Thursday, November 16, 2006


Fun things to do in a "guided democracy".

1. Pretend to be a Japanese tourist and visit the ISA. Better yet, send real Japanese tourists.
Tell them its the National Zoo.

2. Become a stalker-obsessed fan of a BN politician. Camp in front of his house and sing sexy
love songs from a loudspeaker. (Suggestion, cover the song "We are the cheeky girls, you are the cheeky boys".)

3. Dress like Dorothy in The Land of Oz and visit Putrajaya. It is better if you are a dude.

4. Send Nigerian emails to the Prime Minister.

5. Make a new opposition party made up of your stuffed animals. Get your friends to vote for them.

6. Pretend to be the Crocodile Hunter in the Parliament.

7. Dress up as the khalwat police and catch fornicating cats in alleys. Include videos as documentary evidence and submit it to the local religious authorities with straight faces.

8. Catch a monkey and send it to the police station. Say that he was disturbing national security
with his anti-government lice. Pinpoint lice on the monkeys head, point out anti-government
demonstrations happening between the hairs on his fur.

9. In traffic jams, use markers and paper, and flash patriotic messages to your neighbor. If
they dont respond positively, pretend to call the police on your handphone.

10. Follow the cars of local politicians. AFTER they park, set up no parking signs next to the car.
Call the traffic police, and alert the press. Repeat.

(If you have any more, feel free to add below/email us with more.)

Thursday, November 09, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- News Straits Times Teaches Youth Bad Things

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Weekend Mail was suspended by government authorities for publishing "lewd articles". The News Straits Times Press Malaysia (NSTP) apologized for the publication that had focused on "teenagers and sex".

Local politicians have condemned the issue. Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak stated that the daily had gone overboard, and that he received numerous calls complaining that the articles were extreme and should not have been published.

Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil said newspaper articles influenced the minds of the readers.

A resolution made at the Federal Territory Umno convention yesterday condemned such articles and stated that it would contribute to immoral sexual behaviour and increased social problems among youngsters.

Following the publication, according to research conducted by our in-house think-tank lewd thoughts among youngsters in Malaysia reached an all-time high.

Says one young man "After I read that article, I immediately felt like doing something bad and sexy." he states that before this he used to only engage in healthy activities such as sudoku and "Mario Brothers 4" occasionally. "Only when I want to walk on the wild side".

Another young woman states that she immediately bought condoms and looked for people to have sex with. "It was like I was in a trance. I saw the word "sex" and "teenagers" and I just couldnt control myself." She reportedly attacked a young man and demanded him to engage in sexual activities with her.

The young man was reportedly "extremely pleased".

Fulfilling their role as responsible journalists the karipanas crew inc distributed pictures to neutralize the heinous effects of the sexually stimulating articles. This picture has been guaranteed by scientists to make any human being of either gender to stop thinking about sex altogether.

(Warning: Some people have actually cut off their respective genitalia after observing this image.)

After distribution of this image to the masses, our survey polls found that an overwhelming amount of young people had sworn off sex and "other social ills" for the rest of their lives.

However there were still a few sick perverts out there who were reportedly "more excited than ever".

The Karipanas Crew would like to congratulate itself on cleansing the minds of the youth of Malaysia.


as reported by Joe Lacks

LOCAL NEWS- ISA Your All Purpose Exterminator

KUALA LUMPUR- It was announced recently that the Internal Security Act (ISA) can be used against people spreading libel or false rumors through short messaging services (SMS) or email.

This statement was made by Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan, in reference to messages spread via SMS that a group of Muslims were to be baptised as Christians in Ipoh last Saturday.

Citizens everywhere have applauded this effort and in survey polls conducted by our in-house think-tank many have suggested other groups of people who should be locked up in the ISA.

1. People who queue in the 10 items line when they have more than 10 items.

2. People who smell bad. (Submitted by LRT passengers.)

3. KL bus drivers.

4. Random old people.

5. The guy who makes you pay when he waves you to an empty parking spot that you already
saw in the first place.

6. The Selangor football team. (Submitted by the Kedah football team)

7. Singaporeans.

8. That fckin annoying dancing blue hippo.

picture- "the fckin annoying blue hyppo"

9. All the people on "Akademi Fantasia".

10. My mother-in-law.

To qualify these groups as a threat to "national security", citizens have stated that they are prepared to riot. When asked if they think that the punishment would be "unproportionate" for the "crimes" committed, they stated that they stood by the governments policy of proportion.

"We believe in this government, because we also think that overwhelming stupidity, ugliness or just being plain annoying is enough of a reason for people to be locked away for the rest of their lifetimes, without trial or being given a coherent reason."

Edie J.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


INTERNATIONAL NEWS-The Space Monkey Federation announced their far-reaching long-term plan today, called the "Monkey Agenda".

In a nutshell, the Space Monkeys will unilaterally declare anything that they fancy on Earth to be theirs, whether they rightfully lay claim to it or not, and whether they deserve it or not. They won't call it an invasion outright, they claim to be "just reminding the world about the rightful owners of the land".

picture- your future leader. bow to him.

Jag'dish Muxt, leader of the 1st Space Monkey Battalion, explains: "Monkeys were here before humans. Therefore, monkeys own all land on Earth by default. Monkeys should be given special privileges, unlimited economic handouts, claim to all useful infrastructure, and the right to re-write history for Space Monkeys to take all the credit".

However, the United Nations was not amused: "What the hell are they talking about?! Hell, they are SPACE MONKEYS! They're not even EARTH MONKEYS. How can they lay claim to this world, when they're not even the native inhabitants?", quoted an unnamed source high up in the UN shadow government.

He added, "Furthermore, the Earth Monkeys do not seem to be helped by you guys, so-called Monkey brothers. In fact, they appear to be sidelined by Space Monkeys!"

Mr. Muxt retorted, "That's not the point. The Earth monkeys did not make use of the available opportunity, and are still unable to do so. We, on the other hand, will be able to champion Monkey Rights on their behalf as we are known across the galaxy to be the defenders of the Monkey Race. We, monkeys, have been very patient with humans.

"There has always been that unwritten 'social contract' between us.. and now that humans have relegated monkeys to the zoo, and questioning Space Monkeys' claim on the Earth, you guys are going too far. These are sensitive issues which should be side-stepped in the interest of peace and tolerance, as we wouldn't like to be using our nuclear weapons".

What about the fact that various human races developed all the technology that we have today, and all the useful buildings, infrastructures and political systems?

"Who cares? We'll re-write history to say that Monkeys have always been a master race, and the fact remains that Monkeys were here earlier. Earth Monkeys, Space Monkeys, what's the bloody difference?"

"The point is that you, humans, are not monkeys, and are therefore not eligible for special rights to live on this Earth. End of discussion. Don't stir any trouble, or we'll nuke all of you to damnation. We are patient and tolerant, remember that."

as reported by Jae M.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- The People Want to Focus Says Badawi

KUALA LUMPUR-Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said the people decide what they want and although some may be concerned with his differences with the former premier, he says that most people are looking forward to development projects that would come on board by the middle of next year.

‘People are focusing on my work’ says the Prime Minister, and not on the spat between him and Tun Mahathir. He is of the opinion that he still remains popular and that the people are not divided on this issue.

Malaysians have agreed that his arbitrary statement is true. "He is a total mind-reader."says Govinda Jeyaratnam, 43. "Those two words, focus and work are on our minds."

In a survey conducted to identify the specific details of what "work" Malaysian's want to "focus" on, the polls revealed that:

i- 32 percent want to "focus" on Jessica Alba's body and maybe her "work".

ii- 24 percent want to "focus" on killing the queue-cutters who stop them from
getting to "work" on time.

iii- 36 percent want to "focus" on getting some damn "work".

iv- 8 percent want to "focus" on porn. And not "work."

As reported by a source the Prime Minister googled the word "work" and "focus", added up the number of sites, and made his conclusion without following up on the links.

as reported by Edie J.

FRONTPAGE- Khalwat Raid On Non-Muslims

KUALA LUMPUR-Breaking down a few times towards the course of the interview, the Petronas Ad Chinese Kid (who would like to remain anonymous) related tearfully on how he was harassed by religious department officials during a 4am khalwat raid on his house. Speaking at the MCA Public Complains Bureau, he related the incident which have rendered him sleepless for the past 2 nights.

In the raid, religious officers continuously banged on his door, insisting that he opened up. He was accused of concealing a Malay girl in his room at that time, which he vehemently denied.

The department officials claimed that they have hard evidence that he has been doing some "immoral activities" with the Malay girl since at least 4 years ago, and they forced him to produce the girl in the early hours of the morning although he insisted that he doesn't know where she is now.

"It was only a commercial, for crying out loud! How am I supposed to know where she is now?"

He insisted that he's a Buddhist, but the religious department officers apparently snapped back at him "You lived in a Malay kampung area and flirted with a Malay girl. You are definitely a Muslim, don't lie!", to which he retorted "That's not even my real house!".

The officers remained unconvinced, but left after harassing him for several hours.

Michael Chong, head of the MCA Public Complains Bureau, expressed extreme disgust at this invasion of privacy. The religious department, however, defended their khalwat raid.

A religious department spokesperson said, "We acted on a tip-off based on hard evidence which we have received (see Exhibit A below), and we can safely say that we have at least 8 million reliable witnesses to his crime of khalwat who have seen him doing it again and again. In addition to him denying that he's a Muslim, we're planning to charge him for apostasy as well".

The department insisted that they're not intentionally targeting non-Muslims in misguided raids. "All our raids are conducted based on excellent intelligence information. For instance, we were planning to nab this guy, 'Jason'. We also had video evidence of him commiting khalwat, and all we needed to do was to find out his surname and his house address. "

"We were on the verge of obtaining a Syariah Court order to subpoena Yasmin Ahmad for information relating to his whereabouts, but at the last minute, our intelligence-gathering team discovered that 'Jason' died in a motorbike accident. Hence, we did not pursue that case any further."

"As you can see, the religious department is very meticulous in our procedures, and we do not simply pick on random targets with poor bits of information."

Exhibit A

as reported by Jae M.

Monday, October 30, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- Scientists complain and leave.

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Science, Technology and Innovation Ministry published an internal report citing reasons for the poor state of scientific innovation in this country.

"The scientists are whiny bitches." Says one unnamed source.

A staggering amount of 70 foreign scientists and 22 local scientists this year have not renewed their contracts with local universities and research programs, despite having been given what has been said to be "pretty sweet deals".

The programmes ensured allowances for housing, relocation and schooling for scientists families. In addition to this it also included return airfares to their home country and medical benefits.

However the scientists have not duly appreciated these benefits and have raised numerous complaints about other issues which were deemed by the Ministry as "quite irrelevant". These complaints include:

a) poor research infrastructures -

current locations used by scientists

i- A broom cupboard in UKM
ii- Discarded cages from Zoo Negara
iii- Lim Kit Siang's kitchen

a critical shortage of scientists and support staff with required research experience;

-an example of this has been the hybrid tree research team of University Malaya, which consists of one German scientist and three confused Bangladeshi men. They thought that they were there to pick the fruit.

c) cumbersome administrative procedures to procure research equipment;

the procedures are reportedly:

step one- file a request to the head office

step two- fill in the necessary forms

step three- journey to Mordor, defeat the Uruk-hai and throw the ring into the Cracks of Doom.

The Ministry has not announced as of yet if they are to cater to these selfish and blatantly whiny complaints.

as reported by Zara K.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

FRONTPAGE- DAP and Zakaria supporters face-off

KLANG- Today a near-bloody scuffle ensued between members of the DAP (Democratic Action Party) and the supporters of Datuk Zakaria Mat Deros.

DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng, led a 300-man procession to protest outside the residence of the UMNO division chief. After realizing that the latter and his wife, Datin Zizah Ngah were not at home they began chanting anti-Zakaria slogans.

When Zakaria's supporters came on the scene to stop this public protest, it started a physical confrontation from what had initially began as a mere oral demonstration.

picture- the funniest use of the word "fracas" in human history. we dare you to refute this.

Onlookers are divided on which side actually started the fight, but all agree that the Zakaria's supporters emerged victorious.

Some say that this was due to the fact that the DAP members were "middle-aged unfit men", while some DAP members have refuted this point by saying that they were simply caught off guard.

"They werent ready for a fight. If they had known you would have seen some kung-fu ass shit man."says one source.

It is a proven fact that all Chinese know kung-fu.

However most agree that one reason is that Zakaria's supporters mainly consisted of several barnyard animals, and a few creatures from the endangered species list as identified by the the WWF (World Wildlife Fund.)

Members of the DAP have also stated that it was difficult to engage their opponents in battle as the few homosapiens involved were active participants of the Special Olympics. "My mother say cannot hit people that cacat one." says one bystander.

They were reportedly enlisted under the category "Spelling and Reading Deficiency" which experts state is practically an incurable disease.

"But they are all still very special."

as reported by Joe Lacks

FRONTPAGE- Stand behind Badawi

Kuala Lumpur- Recently local authority figures have called out to Malaysians to cease from criticizing the government. They also urge that citizens stand strongly behind the Prime Minister for the good of the nation.

Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi has also commented on Tun Dr Mahathir's unrelenting campaign against the government, stating that the former is attacking with "stronger venom" and that the people also share his sentiment that it is baseless and that it should be stopped.

Scientists have pitched in this rally call for support, citing empirical evidence that criticisms upon the government may hurt the country and gradually bring it to its doom.

"It is as dangerous as real venom."

"Through our studies we have found that there will be extreme detriment to the Prime Minister, and of course the government as a whole if things go on as they are. And naturally if the government is affected, so are the people of this country."

He stated that criticisms lets off a certain wave that can only be detected by special equipment.

"And these waves might as well be nuclear waves, with the effect that they bring."

He calls them "negative germs". "To help the public understand how serious the problem is, we are releasing extremely detailed graphs."

picture- extremely detailed graph

"The red waves represent the criticisms that is directed towards the Prime Minister."

However they state that the public need not panic as there is still time to repair the harm that has been done.

"What the public can do in the interest of the nation is to praise and love the government. This will help cleanse the germs that have infested, and bring our country back to its natural state."

picture- extremely detailed graph 2

The pink waves signify the love shown from the people, he states.

"It is important that we do these measures as soon as possible, before we all meet our doom."

He also adds that there does not have to be a particularly good reason to give love and praise. "You can just say something nice about his hair."

"This is for the country. Citizens should forget about sincerity and their real feelings when this is at stake."

(scientists conducting this research are also economists of the Economic Planning Unit, and sometimes are F1 Race-car girls)

as reported by Edie J.

Friday, October 27, 2006



What kind of Malaysian are you? Take our quiz and find out!

1. The Prime Minister announced today the government does not curtail the peoples freedom.

a) True. There has been no moment in history where the current government administration has impeded upon the public's civil rights.

b) False. The government has, on several occasions stopped its citizens from utilizing rights that should be available to all in a democracy e.g. protest, freedom of press etc.

c) Whatever.

d) Please give me a banana.

The Prime Minister stated today that UMNO members are given space to give their views.
This is;

a) True. UMNO members have always had different opinions regarding matters of the country.

b) False. They usually all stand in line like trained penguins and do not have independent views.

c) Who cares anyway. No one there has anything worth hearing. I would rather hear the sound of mating llamas.

d) I think I need to go potty. Bad.

3. The Prime Minister stated that Malaysia is a democratic country.

a) True. All principles of democracy are implemented within its framework.

b) False. There are several points that do not meet the expectations of a democracy, such as transparency and accountability.

c) Democracy Schemocracy. Bah! Tui! Tui!

d) (purring sound.)

4. The Prime Minister stated today that most citizens believe that Mahathir should stop
criticizing the government.

a) True. We do not have time to listen to an old "pensioners" views about what should happen in a country. Furthermore his criticisms are baseless.

b) False. His views have, at the very least highlighted several problems with the current
government. And people in general should be allowed to criticize the government as they please. And the majority agree.

c) Are you kidding me? All he needs are super powers. Like acid green slime that shoots out
from his ears. Its fucking fun! We need more of this! Someone dump him in some toxic waste,NOW!!!

d) Wheres my banana?


1. All b's. You are a smart and discerning citizen. You also bore us.

2. All c's. You are full of cynicism and rage, despite your intelligence. You may kill someone soon. You are also entertaining.

3. All d's. You are some sort of animal, who needs to be cleaned because you have soiled your litterbox.

4. All a's. Same as number 3.

(This quiz was certified by the Cretuv Association of Psychologists and Social Scientists. And one crack head we found on the street.)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

SEMI-INTERNATIONAL NEWS- Malaysia's new trade deal

With the greater influx of Nigerian businessmen and entrepeneurs to Malaysia, the government has decided to expand economic ties with Nigeria through a program of mutual trade exchange.

Under the agreement, Nigeria will continue to earn from Malaysia in the industries that they're best at - "profitable e-mail deals", while Malaysia will export our Magic Stone experts and Bomohs to Nigeria.

Nigeria has earned an estimated RM2.43 million last year by co-operating with Malaysians through their Nigerian "Business deal" E-mails.

"There are so many trustworthy people here!" says Akuli Mbabwa. "And to think we managed to decide that only based on their email addresses!".

He stated that he woud like to personally thank, and for their help in the transactions.

"They will be hearing from us soon".

With this new trade agreement in place, Malaysians in the same line of business will make their way to Nigeria to offer them Magic Stones and "traditional healing" services.

"The market here in Malaysia is saturated.", said Chen, 42, President of the Malaysian Magic Stone Sellers Association.

"Nigeria is full of sickly people with no access to proper nutrition. Most of them are at risk of getting weird diseases and cancer. There's no better industry that exploits people's poor health and fear of death than Magic Stones. Lagos itself has around 15 million people, of which almost 40% are elderly and rich (and most importantly, gullible). We expect to be able to make RM500 million from them in 3 months, flee the country for the rest of the year and return the year after for more prospecting".

Haji Hassan bin Haron, a leading "traditional medicine" practitioner from Gombak who also happens to be a serial rapist, welcomed the government's decision wholeheartedly. "Nigeria is lawless. We can get away with anything. Even if I charge a patient RM100 per treatment, they are more than willing to pay. They still rely a lot on witch doctors, and everyone has sex like monkeys. That's paradise!"

Commenting on this surprising forward-looking trade agreement, a MITI spokesperson explained that it's a part of the government's long-term plans. "

"Since Malaysia is poised to be world's largest coconut exporter by 2010, we have to ensure that we have a global monopoly over the world's coconut supplies. Nigeria is our only real competition. By embedding other Malaysian industries in Nigeria, we will be able to control their coconut output over time."

"Make no mistake, we will corner the world coconut market."

as reported by Jae M.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

FRONTPAGE- "The Real Bumiputera's"?

KUALA LUMPUR- The announcement by Scientific Research Group stunned the nation this morning.

Apparently through long and extensive research their scientists have discovered a small ethnic minority which was not included in the Bumiputera classification by the government, as true people of the land.

They released a chronology of tribes that had inhabited the land "before" the arrivals of Malays to the archipelago.

"As known by most Malaysians the Orang Asli inhabited this island, way before everyone else." says Dr. Harish Mohammed.

picture- privileged Orang Asli

"And they have been given as much privilege and help as Malay Bumiputera's and other people falling into that category."

"But now there is evidence to show that they were not the first here."

Their findings were that the very first living being to have reached the shores of the peninsula was a cockroach named Joe.

The reinstatement of Joe's rights are being processed and since he and his kin were around for a longer period they are seeking to give them extra privileges.

"They should be given more than the 30 percent equity rights, and a larger budget for their religious schools and places of worship."

The New Bumiputeras apparently worship bits of cheese that are found on the floor. "Legislation should be made that the citizens of Malaysia respect their beliefs and stop sweeping their floors when cheese falls on it." says Dr Harish.

as reported by Kandy K.

Friday, October 20, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- Police to hunt down evil people

KUALA LUMPUR- In concurrence with their roles as enforcers of justice, the police are setting up a special task force to track down what may be the very root of all evil.

1,426 young people have failed to turn up for National Service training. Reports have been circulated of the formation of a cult consisting of these very people.

This cult worships, what is reported to be a "god with horns". Experts speculate that this may be Satan, or an intimidating looking goat.

Pamphlets have been found with the basic tenants of its belief in various schools. It forbids;

i) the use of blue camouflage outfits in green surroundings
ii) spending long periods in jungles while listening to mindless drivel
iii) drinking milk

Due to the level of danger that this cult poses to society, the police are not holding back. "We do not have a special department to deal with this issue, but we have roped in investigating officers to form a temporary team to track them down.

In a final bid before the nation-wide crackdown, the police are calling upon the misled youth to turn themselves in.

"I advise all of them to report to the nearest police station or we will track you down." says Federal CID deputy director Datuk Mokhtar Hassan.

To date however none of the NS dodgers/cult members have responded to this final act of mercy. The cult is reported to call itself "People Who Really Have Better Things To Do."

as reported by Jae M.


Samy announces roads are safe to use
The MRR2 highway has been announced as safe to use. Citizens making their way back to their hometowns shall have additional routes to choose from to avoid traffic congestion.

Other highways which are still "Cracked Pillars of Doom" may be used as a more exciting alternative.

Dr M invited to UMNO General Assembly

Umno secretary-general Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has sent an invitation to former Umno president Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad to attend the Umno general assembly on Nov 13.

UMNO officials hope that this will be a step towards reconciliation between the former Prime Minister and several high officials.

Citizens hope that he will "Unleash The Beast Within".

Prime Minister says to strengthen ties

In his Deepavali message Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said that all Malaysians should celebrate Deepavali tomorrow with the spirit to further strengthen multi-racial ties and mutual respect and trust for one another.

He also said "
bla bla... happiness is shared .. bla-bla..rhetoric crap.. bla bla.. friends .. bla bla rhetoric crap".

And something about joy. Or maybe small boys.

Jumping queue a major cause of accidents
Deputy Internal Security Minister Datuk Johari Baharom said that jumping queue was the main cause of traffic accidents which tallied up to 3,175 since last Tuesday. In the last three days the police have issued 10,000 summons for offences such as these.

Other contributing causes are "being ridiculous bastards" and "acting like impatient monkeys."

Fake Goods seized at Bazaar
Negri Sembilan Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs enforcement officers who raided the stalls and seized more than RM50,000 worth of fake goods in Ampangan on Wednesday night.

Operation Extreme Redundancy is going right on track, say experts and one random man.

as reported by Mickey D.

From the editor

Greetings readers.

We would like to thank all of you who have sent us positive feedback, criticisms, and slightly disturbing naked images of yourselves.

I take that back. Make it very, very disturbing.

The Karipanas Crew would like to wish all of you Selamat Hari Raya, and Happy Deepavali. To worshippers of Satan, stay strong, it will be over soon.

We will still be working during the holidays, and hopefully there will be more to report about other than cars crashing into each other.

I am using a lot of space in this post so that it seems that I am writing a lot, when Im not. Clever trick ey?

Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FRONTPAGE- Government to create Super Teachers (Beta)

PUTRAJAYA- Proving that Malaysia is not behind in technology, the government has announced a new scientific innovation for the education system.

"We are going to create Super Teachers." says Education Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

This move was made in response to growing concern over the standard of education in this country.
“This is to ensure that the profession is regarded highly. We believe that these new Super Teachers will perform and live up to our expectations.”

Among features of these robotic wonders are improved skills of reading and writing, embedded mp3 players and tetris (new edition).

"They are like the Transformers, only smaller. And they cannot turn into cars."

He states that this feature will be included in the next edition. "This version is understandably at its beta stage. There are still a few things that have to be worked out." They have had a problem in programming the system to "motivate and communicate" with children.

picture- super teacher (beta)

"The initial programming was death and utter destruction, so sometimes they revert back to their old ways." He states that the robots were remnants of a failed government project to deal with public protests and littering.

"We thought that it would be a waste to simply throw away these "Robots of Doom", and decided to turn them into "Caring Robots of Education".

The new Super Teachers will be posted to all schools by the end of this year. The government firmly believes that this will accurately address the problems with the current education system.

as reported by Edie J.

source: the star

LOCAL NEWS - New weight-loss program for Penan students.

LONG LELLANG (Ulu Baram, Miri): 106 students Penan boys and girls at Sekolah Kebangsaan Long Lellang have been chosen to test-pilot the governments new fitness program to address a growing problem of obesity among young people.

"It is a great success," says local health official, Bujang Mahmud.

"100 percent of the students have experienced rapid weight loss in just the first 6 months." The students are treated to a nutritious meal of papaya's and porridge once a day.

"Three meals a day is just a modern day greedy norm. Many people all over the world can even do just half a meal a day." The fact that these same people are also dying like flies is because of unhygienic practices, and not because of their lack of food.

"They dont wash their hands before they eat, those Africans."

He says that weighing lighter than a small cat is a healthy state to be in for children at that age.

picture- Penan students

The Penan and Kelabit parents, however, have not shown proper co-operation. Most parents secretly give their children rice, fish and vegetables when visting the school.

"It is outrageous." says one school official. "How can we reach the governments mission and vision when citizens do not co-operate."

Their lack of patriotism is appalling, yet officials are not worried as "these jungle people dont have that much food to give away anyway."

"What do you think the jungle is? Tesco?"

He says that the parents will give up eventually and "a nation of healthy, clever children will be born."

as reported by Zakaria M.

source: the star

Thursday, October 19, 2006


-the rambler

From the editor

Greetings readers.

We would like to apologize for our late posts today. There is no real reason why. We are just lazy bastards.

Secondly, we would like to announce that we have a karipanas forum, located at the sidebar. This is a unique forum, as unlike other forums where you have to register, follow anal-retentive rules and get constant warnings from the moderator, we allow you to roam freely like wild animals.

You can say anything you want, the same rules apply as to the comments made here. There is a registration request, and you may choose to register but you may also post replies as a guest.

We dont care either way.

Thirdly, one reader submitted that our poll had too many choices and people would not make time to read all of the choices. The point he has made is valid. Dyslexia is common these days. From now on, polls will have less answers to choose from to cater to the abject laziness of our readers.
Thank you for your support, and happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."


DR M and Badawi to meet
Both prominent political figures have announced their desire to meet and reconcile with each other. This move has reportedly been engineered by people within the Barisan Nasional party, who are uncomfortable with the feud between them.

87 percent of Malaysians however would like it to go on as they find it more entertaining that way.

11 ISA detaineed released

Nik Adli, son of PAS leader Nik Aziz was released from the ISA today. Ten others released were two Norwegian tourists, one random old man, a baby, a yellow baboon, a neurotic teenager, and five angry lawyers.

Nik Adli was detained for allegedly having links with the KMM (Kumpulan Militan Malaysia). The others were detained for "looking fishy".

The lawyers however were kept there as a silly prank.

Police on Megaphones in Segamat

In a new move to reduce crime, the Segamat police are broadcasting their messages using megaphones from their patrol cars. This is a move to constantly remind residents to be careful of their surroundings.

Residents in turn are buying their own megaphones. Some to announce thank you messages back to the vigilant policemen.


Amir Muhammad to make a sequel to Lelaki Komunis Terakhir

Even though the first part of the movie was banned by the Malaysian government Amir Muhammad is soldiering on and creating the sequel.

The authorities have already announced that they are going to ban the sequel even if they have not seen it yet. This, as announced by officials, is to simply save time. "We know we are going to ban it anyway."

The movie preview will be held in Amir Muhammad's bedroom, and the invited guests will be himself and his cat, Poco.

Mat Rempit in hiding

The Mat Rempit's who attacked the Kubang Semang police station are nowhere to be seen. The official stance of the police is that they have gone into hiding.

However according to one source, various responsible members of the public have hunted them down and beaten them to death with shovels and other lethal gardening tools.

"Three down. One more to go."says one caring citizen.

LOCAL NEWS- Killer emu's roam loose in Klang

picture-killer emu

KLANG- Killer emu's have been sighted in various areas in Klang Valley.

"We think that they escaped from one of the zoo's" says one local forest ranger, Hamid Hussein. The emu's are ingenious at concealing themselves from the naked eye. They conceal themselves in various rubbish heaps that can be found in the Klang area.

"Also, most people are too hungry to notice a killer emu this fasting month."

One unfortunate victim is Klang Umno Puteri chief Roselinda Abdul Jamil.

Killer emu's have a liking for human eyeballs. "It is a natural instinct for them. They come from the African continent, where eyeballs can be found everywhere because people die carelessly in random places." says Hamid. He admits that this is irresponsible behavior on the part of African people.

"They have created monsters."

Today, in responding to the barrage of criticisms concerning her
appointment as municipal councillor along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law she announced the horrible tragedy that had befallen her.

"I cannot see." she said to the surprise of reporters.

picture- Roselinda, before the horrible tragedy.

Roselinda was attacked while at home with her father-in law, brother-in law, grandmother, maid, and Hassan, the family iguana, who are all coincidentally also Klang Municipal Councillors.

"This is an attack against the Klang Municipal Council."says Roselinda. There are no records of killer emu's having political aspirations. She says it may be her many political enemies or outraged citizens who let the killer emu's into her place of residence.

Her eyesight is damaged permanently. She may have her drivers license revoked, but this is not an issue with her as she has already hired a driver so as not to endanger other citizens. The driver will be nominated as Klang Municipal councillor in the next following year.

Referring to the unreasonable behavior of Klang residents who disagree with having all the members of her household in the Klang Municipal Council she says,“I do not see anything wrong as all of us were appointed councillors in our different capacities,” said Roselinda.

This, experts say is understandable as she has lost all capability of seeing after the vicious attack.

as reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- Mysteries of Ramadhan

KUALA LUMPUR-Latest statistics conducted by the Royal Malaysian Social Engineering Society has concluded that the Muslim population in Malaysia has become more obese and financially poorer during the fasting month. The findings have been met with some degree of confusion and widespread denial among Muslims.

56.4% of the Muslim population have gained weight by an average of 12.6% as compared to their body weight before Ramadhan. This development has left religious authorities and medical personnel baffled, as it appears that they have gained weight despite supposedly reducing their food intake during the fasting month.

"This is totally opposite to what one would expect. Normally, when a person fasts and consumes a moderate, balanced meal while breaking fast, he or she will actually lose weight and be more fit and healthy. But what we're seeing here is that they have become fatter!", says Dr. Tambhirajah Sivaseelan, head of the Dietary and Nutrition Department of Kuala Lumpur Hospital.

"It is a medical mystery."

Some however do not find it surprising. "I see the fella working at the garmen counter always sleeping only. I think they all fat because morning that time eat so much, rest of the day they sleep only". says Chen Tek Ong, 28.

His remarks are met with death threats from certain quarters, and Khairy Jamaluddin has promised to personally yell at his face with a megaphone to teach him not to insult Muslims.

Another unaccountable but unrelated phenomenon observed is that Muslims are running out of cash at a faster rate during the Ramadhan month. Some have attributed it to toyols. (Small, nasty, yet entertaining creatures.)

Prominent parapsychologist-cum-ghostbuster, Uncle Seeker, explained: "It is not impossible for toyols to be roaming free during the Ramadhan month."He says that other creatures of the night usually take time off from scaring random people as this is a holy month.

"Toyols however, do not give a damn."

UMNO Youth had an answer that they insist is more logical - the Jews are up to their nonsense again. Khairy issued a press statement today, saying "The evil international brotherhood of Jews and Zionists are taking advantage of the Ramadhan month to further oppress the Muslims by making our money vanish mysteriously".

In a poll conducted, it was found that 93.2% of Muslims admitted that they went broke faster during the Ramadhan month than they did in the earlier months. The only people immune to this are the traffic police.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

From the editor

Greetings readers,

We are happy to announce that karipanas has reached "1000" visitors in the first two weeks of its creation. It may be 20 people who have nothing to do but click on the same page 100 times a day, but we still consider it an achievement.

Thank you to all who have come, and commented. We hope that you help us in spreading the word about this newsblog, or if you do not have adequate interpersonal skills, you can kidnap random people on the street to help do it for you. We advise that you release them after that, or at least ensure that they are washed and fed daily.

Some of you have posted links to this newsblog, and we highly appreciate the gesture. It shows that there are people who care about this country.

The second issue is that I want to formally announce our policy on comments.

You can say anything you want, as we believe in freedom of speech.
Quoting Voltaire "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

It also means that we can say anything we want in response. Racist, prejudiced and downright ignorant comments will not be deleted. We will just tell you that you are a scumbag bastard and that you can rot in hell, or something to that effect.

Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FEATURED- Proton sales surge in the United Kingdom

PETALING JAYA-Proton Holdings Bhd has seen a surge in car sales in Britain as the number of cars sold from January to last month is 48% higher compared to the same period in 2005.

Proton UK general sales and marketing manager Simon Park was reported to have said that a growing dealer network, and the Savvy and ongoing advertising campaigns had resulted in the increase in sales this year.

Included below are the sales reports of major car companies in the UK market from January 2006 to September 2006.



RENAULT- 1.54 million,

HONDA- 2,563, 631

PROTON- 1,702


as reported by Joe Lacks

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008

JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.

He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.

Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are

-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.

-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.

- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.

- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".

The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.

No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.

as reported by Joseph Lax

LOCAL NEWS- Superintendent was ordered to disrupt speech, not assembly.

KUALA LUMPUR- Asst Supt Anuar Jusoh, was questioned by the Suhakam panel of inquiry regarding his actions during the protest in KLCC regarding rising fuel prices.

He had allegedly flown a helicopter "dangerously close", and reports were made stating that the police had used "excessive force" to halt the gathering. The Suhakam panel is trying to determine whether human rights had been violated during the operation.

The Superintendent denied having had any intention to harm members of the assembly.

We were given instructions to fly low to disrupt a person's speech, not the assembly."

He is part of the Special Covert Ops which specializes in dealing with "oral danger".

"The target was that evil talking mouth. Not the people around him."
Criticisms have been made that a helicopter was an "inappropriate tool" to stop a man from talking. According to the ops Chief, (who shall not be named due to security reasons) they are trained to recognize and eliminate any "vocal threat".

"We have to use any means possible. In the past we have used harpoons, small rockets and elephants on performance enhancing drugs."

picture- elephant on performance-enhancing drugs

"It is important that citizens are protected from dangerous voices." he states.

He states that dangerous voices may cause harmful diseases. When asked what form of disease, he said it could range from temporary disorders such as bleeding from every orifice of the body for several hours, to terminal illnesses. "Like cancer... of the ass."

"The medical term is... assinificititis. Or "buttdenoonade".

"We will do everything within our power to protect the people. Sometimes excessive force is necessary."

as reported by Edie J.

(All writers of karipanas have been diagnosed with assinificititis. Readers who do not want to be infected are advised to avoid physical contact as this disease may be transmitted to anyone within hearing range.)

LOCAL NEWS- Ending the debate on public equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Tun Musa Hitam stated yesterday that the public debate on equity should end.

He said that he believes that it will soon spin out of control, as he has watched seemingly innocent arguments spun into highly emotional situations. "And the emotions in racial terms need to be managed with care." he states.

Responding to his comments, both sides of the fence have agreed to stop making public statements on the matter.

Apparently they have found a new method to convey their feelings that is deemed safe to use in volatile Malaysia.

"We are going to have a dance-off."

Similar to breakdance showdowns in 80's movies, they are donning on headgear and wrist warmers to prepare for what is likely to be an entertaining event. The criticizers of the EPU (Economic Planning Unit) findings have already started rehearsing their moves.

"Even though most of us are in our 40's, we still can "trip to the beat", says one representative from this camp.

Among moves that they have "nailed" are;

-the G-Kick, a kick with the legs and the arms forming a G shape:
which will signify the question "why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?"

-the Insane Corkscrew, a spin with the direction constantly changing:
which will mean "youre not answering our questions directly!"

-the Helicopter/Coffeegrinder/Ball-and-chain - a rotation of the legs while the hands are on the floor:

this will just be for showing off purposes.

picture- why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?

When asked if he had anything to say to his opponents, the message was;

"ITS ON BIATCH!!!!!!!"

(We could not reach representatives of the other camp for comments. Rumors state that they are debating on whether it would be concurrent with government policy to "keep it real".)

as reported by Joe Lacks

Monday, October 16, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- New Proton Cars For Police Officers

Proton has announced that they have decided to contribute to the crime fighting cause - by sealing a deal with the Royal Malaysian Police for over RM80 million on 2000 new Proton cars.

The Royal Malaysian Police will be taking delivery of 1000 Waja Campros, 500 Wiras, 400 Sagas and 100 Perdana V6s. Proton is also generously donating approximately 5000 unsold Proton Juaras (reported to have been unanimously voted the world over as the Ugliest Car of All Time) to be used as mobile road barricades.

picture- awarded The Ugliest Car of All Time

At present, the police have a fleet of 1,939 patrol cars and the average response time is about 12 minutes.

"We have some 3,000 policemen under special training for the mobile police vehicle unit and they will graduate next February," Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said at the handover ceremony at the Proton Centre of Excellence in Subang Jaya.

"When there's a free stretch of road anywhere in Kuala Lumpur, it takes 12 minutes for us to deploy 200 patrol cars to set up road blocks and create massive traffic jams. With the additional 2000 cars, we aim to streamline our system so that it takes us only 4 minutes to get the entire stretch of Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan Kuching to come to a standstill." he says proudly.

The fleet of new Proton Juaras, for which the 'special training' is intended, it will replace the task of everything from crash barricades to traffic cones.

picture- proton juara to replace traffic cones forever.

"The officers are given special training in order for them to be fearless. If there is a robbery, we will use a Juara fleet to stop the car. If we need to set up a road block and issue summons under 'reasonable suspicion', we can double-park an entire row of Juaras to narrow down the three-lane highway to one lane. "

"It's more effective and safer than setting up traffic cones".

UMNO Youth, however, is not as enthusiastic about this move. "With the new cars cops will run Mat Rempits off the roads for sure!"

"We have observed that on a typical week, a single police car runs over an average of 5 Mat Rempits. Having a total of almost 4000 patrol cars would mean having 20,000 less Mat Rempits every week. This will severely reduce the number of votes that we'll be getting by the 2008 General Elections!".

Tan Sri Musa Hassan, however, was quick to reassure the UMNO Youth movement: "You might get lesser votes from Mat Rempits, but don't forget that we still have postal votes. Rileks, brader."

(We were not able to reach Proton to respond to comments that this move was made to make up for poor earnings this year. We also do not know their telephone number.)

as reported by Jae M.

From the editor...

Greetings readers. Here are a few answers to questions that you have sent us.

a) Who are the members of the Karipanas Crew?

Please refer to my Welcome Post. And yes, Im serious.

b) Arent you guys afraid of getting in trouble?


c) Who are these crab creatures?

They are crabs, but bigger. And with an evil agenda.

d) Are you a boy or a girl?

The important thing is I am not a crab.

As you can see, we work hard to please you readers.

The first announcement is that there will be an international news column, even though we say we specialize in local news (as stated in our side bar) we lie all the time.

Secondly, we have set up a poll at the side bar, and we hope you participate and vote. Multiple voting is allowed, because we also cater for readers with multiple personalities.

Recently there has been a lot going on in the news about "rempit raids". I personally detest these sub-humans, and for the first time in my life I agree with the government and the police. Since they are now on the "hate-list" I presume killing them will not result in any legal consequences.

Anyone who brings me the head of a "mat rempit" will be rewarded handsomely. Maybe a writer to use as a pet, or slave. Or table. Your choice.
Limbs are also acceptable. When else can you release the psycho-killer inside you? Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

LOCAL NEWS- New Ways For Police To Fight Crime

GEORGE TOWN- Local curry producers have been mobilized to help the police fight crime.

Drug mules use an ingenious stealth technique to bring their goods across the border.

"We shove it in our ass."

Says one drug mule candidly.

Luckily however the local police are using a "local" technique to uncover the crime. One Zambian was forced to eat spiced curry, bananas, and other equally starchy foodstuffs until he naturally relieved himself and along with other disgusting paraphernalia 37 tubes of heroin was found.

Local curry producers are told to create "fiery concoctions of doom" to help the police in their efforts.
One Kariappan, a chef in a local restaurant, said that he had never put so much chili in his dishes before. "No human can take that much spice without exploding in their pants." he says.

The police have had a track record for coming up with innovative methods to fight crime. Business areas around police stations are used to "unique" requests from these commanders of justice.

" If the police ask you for anything, you just give it to them." says Chin Teck Onn, an owner of a dog pound here in George Town. "Even if it is for a dog "who is probably in league with Satan."

picture- dog who is probably in league with Satan.

Chin says that he is not surprised with the way the police work anymore. "I am used to it. I have been here for 30 years, and I dont look amazed anymore when they buy pliers, scorpions and sharpened ice picks."

"But the screams. I just cannot stand the screams."

As reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister

Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea

The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.

The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.

Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.

picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.

- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?

- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.

Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.

- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?

- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.

- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?

- Because we are the government.

-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?

- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.

-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.

- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.

- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?

-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.

- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?

- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.

-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?

- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.

-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?

-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.

-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.

- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.

- Back then?

- After our independence from white men.

- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-

- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.

- They arent registered as real citizens?

- Yes they are.

-But you just said that they arent real citizens?

-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.

-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?

- Exactly.

- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?

-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.

-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?

-We also allow equal treatment there too.

-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.

- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.

- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.

- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.

-Why the Mojo-mojos?

-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.

-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?

- That is too long ago.

-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.

-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.

-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?

-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.

-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?

- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."

-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- source- CNN (Censored News Network)