Monday, October 09, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- Kerepek says, give us a chance

picture- sad kerepek

KUALA LUMPUR- The Prime Minister's appeal to the people to "give local products a chance" has been received with eager applause by local manufacturers and entrepreneurs.

And not less so, by the products themselves.

In an appeal to gather sympathy for local products alike, one "Kerepek Pisang" has stepped forward to champion the cause of fried local delicacies

"Malaysians have changed in the past few years, they have gradually turned away from consuming my peers. They are lured by the colorful packaging of international brands, Twisties, Pringles and that dastardly enticing Mr. Potato."

picture- kerepek gone bad

He states that everyday bundles of "Kerepek Pisang" lay to waste in storage, till they reach their due dates and are discarded.

"Without any purpose to fulfill, "kerepek" rejected by society have to turn to a life of crime."

He states that the local crime rate has risen due to this very factor. "Think of this, every time you choose Mr. Potato over us, one "kerepek" is forced to steal, rob or even become prostitutes in order to survive."

His admission explains why a large number of crimes have yet to be solved here. "Who would suspect a "kerepek"?

In his final statement he asks Malaysians to "have a heart" and consume "kerepek pisang" everywhere. "At first I thought that a life of crime would be exciting, instead of the normal life of an average "kerepek". Now the cheap thrills and money mean nothing to me. I want to be eaten."

He is currently working as a bouncer for a prominent club in Jalan Telawi. "Its too late for me now. I am a kerepek that has already "masuk angin". I am nothing but a thug."

LOCAL NEWS- Cloning, Malaysia is the new frontier.

picture- failed clone experiments released to the wild after mass labs closing down

KUALA LUMPUR-The announcement of cloned APs in Malaysia has confounded scientists everywhere.

"This is a breakthrough we would never have expected from such a small country." says Dr Iago, Head of Research in GratuisCorp a multinational corporation specializing in genome studies."I cant even find the country on the bloody map. When I did, I realized it was covered by a coffee stain, which inhibited me from locating it."

A member of the Senate who has been identified as the pioneer of this breakthrough in science, refuses to take credit for it and attributes the success to his son. This has been assumed to be a classic display of Asian modesty.

Scientists from around the world have continued to send in messages of congratulations mixed with statements of utter bewilderment.

"Cloning is still in its infant stages, no one attempt has been completely successful." says Dr Radhika, who heads a research facility in Holland. "Dolly was a mess, and the facade in South Korea was just shameful. Billions of dollars have been spent in these failed experiments, and its just amazing that a country with a GDP of my annual salary to have done this."

Some scientists have even responded by committing "harakiri" or simply hanging themselves in shame.

"Its just indecent of you people." says one scientist (who refuses to be identified) tearfully. "Its embarassing for people in our field, to have someone without a proper educational background to achieve what you have achieved."

"Youre a third world country. Shouldnt you be concentrating on feeding hungry people or something? Where is all the money coming from?"

In a fit of contempt numerous research labs have simply halted their experiments and refuse to continue until their demands have been met.

"Politicians should stick to their jobs, and let us do ours. There are so many of you people with ribs sticking out he shouldnt be gallivanting around making scientific breakthroughs. I see you people on Discovery channel. Youre a mess." says Dr Hallenschaeur, a prominent scientist for Delante Inc, a genome research facility.

He stated that "brown" people were in the same plight everywhere, "Africa or whatever your country is called, its the same thing."

The United States State Department has issued a statement of congratulations stating that "Its okay, as long as you guys arent making bombs. Clone all you want."

reported by Jade L.