Friday, October 13, 2006

FEATURED- World Mental Health Day- Dont kill yourself.

Today is World Mental Health Day.

In conjunction with this date, governments and NGO's worldwide promote awareness on issues such as suicide and chronic depression.

Malaysians generally do not want to discuss issues such as these. It is a matter that is unpopular in public discourse, and the attitude towards it is generally apathetic.

This reluctance prevails despite an escalating number of suicides from year to year; in fact suicide is the second leading cause of death after cardiovascular diseases. 'We seem to be in a national denial,' says Professor Hussain Habil, the president of the Malaysian Psychiatric Association.

13 out of 100,000 people in Malaysia commit suicide on a yearly basis.

Our in-house psychiatrist, (who is also a magic performer for birthday parties) has suggested a few ways for self-treatment should an individual wish to end his/her life.

1. If you want to kill yourself because you think that you have a bad life- review pictures of people in Africa. They will always make you feel privileged and that you should feel thankful that your life is not one tormented by genocide, starvation or random adoptions by famous people.

Alternatively, review pictures of people in Singapore. You will always feel good about yourself.

2. If you want to kill yourself because your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife left you, write down ten things you have always hated about him/her.

Everyone has character flaws and physical defects, so rejoice because now you can look for someone better than the ugly cow/beast-thing/swamp-monster that left you.

Did your ex have some embarrassing secrets/herpes? Get it off your chest, tell your best gossip mongering untrustworthy with secrets loud-mouthed friend.

3. If you want to kill yourself because your business is failing, or other monetary catastrophies keep in mind that most major successes today failed a million times; some were even homeless.
(read about Damien Rice and Jewel)

They managed to get where they are today because they continued to live and fight on another day.

Since this was quite serious heres a picture of a ridiculous man to offset the effects.

picture- ridiculous man

4. If you want to kill yourself because you are in a cult that tells you to do so, join another cult. We recommend the cult "mismatched cheese warriors".

It preaches terrorizing the lives of people who use camembert cheese in a reckless manner (e.g. eating it with whole wheat bread instead of croissants) . Its a more fulfilling and delicious way of life.

5. If you want to kill yourself because you feel lonely and you dont have any real friends, hey, we dont either! Friends are a drag, they always need you to do stuff for them and things like that. We highly recommend a friend-less lifestyle.

Alternatively, you can ditch the people who dont care about you, and go out and meet new people. According to statistics, there are a gazillion living breathing humans out there who are also into this unhealthy needing friends lifestyle.

6. If you want to kill yourself because you are a political leader who swindled the money of his people, cheated in elections, and sent innocent people who have spoken out against you in jail, GO FOR IT!

Happy World Mental Health Day.

LOCAL NEWS- Breakthrough with English problem

picture-previous teaching material

KUALA LUMPUR- A local corporation has discovered a way to help with the lack of English language proficiency among students here in Malaysia.

The company will be sponsoring 60 copies of the a local newspaper daily to various schools. According to experts this "hits the nail on the head" in solving the problem.

"Its ingenious", says one Dr Alberta of the Research Institute of Misunderstood Languages (RILM). "We thought the problem was with the teaching methods, but now we finally see the light!"

In past years students have not had access to proper reading material. "We usually give them the backs of cereal boxes to read." says one teacher in Johor Bahru. "Or we make them decipher ancient Aryan texts."

"We thought that reading in English was not that important to learn the language itself."

picture- backs of cereal boxes only thing students read

Since the corporation will only be sponsoring 60 copies per school, not all students will have access to the precious goods.

However the teachers have been innovative in making sure that all students will benefit from this measure.

"We are going to cut the newspapers into little pieces, and give each student one piece (coupon-size) to read," says one school headmaster proudly.

Students have been enthusiastic about this new development.

"Its a big opportunity to see what this "English" looks like on paper." says one Khoo Teck Khay. "We have never really seen it before." pipes up friend, MaryAnn Jevaratnam.

When asked if it has helped with their language skills they eagerly nod. When also asked if they like the new method they responded with more eager nods.

When finally asked if they would like to donate their kidneys they continued to nod. Other questions such as "do you like eating garden slugs," and "have you ever killed anyone by extracting their eyeballs with your bare teeth," also received the same response.

Eventually the students had to be sent to a chiropractor to reset their necks.

as reported by Edie J.