Sunday, October 08, 2006

FEATURED: Happy Invaders

09 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- The aliens are coming and they are happy.

"We are pleased with the Malaysian governments efforts to maintain the purity of the Malay language." says Bob the alien spokesperson. "The fact of the matter is that it has been a hard deal for us in deciding where to invade, but a nation of squishies (the term which the aliens use to refer to human beings) that maintain their old form of communication really appeals to us."

The reason being, as stated by Bob, that it would make communication between invader and invadee easier. The aliens had given up studying human languages because of the constant mutations in them initiated by people all over the world.

(examples given were "lol", "fa-shizzle ma nizzle", and "biatch"; "the english language is barely recognizable from its true form" he states )

But the Malaysian governments actions have bought them a ray of hope.

"If they are starting to clamp down on business posters, and freaking toll cards, soon it will be television shows, drama, any form of expression that abuses the language, and soon people will forget that they had that freedom." this, he believes is the ideal situation.

"We can just refer to our old texts and communicate with them with the language already in our databanks, instead of spending time on more research."

"We need to understand the people we are about to massacre, because we might need important information, like where is the nearest public toilet, what good movies are on right now, where to get the best deals for hardware."

When asked why aliens need to invade and attack humans, he said simply "to eat them".

by Lacks Joe

the alien; as reproduced by our sketch artist

Taiko says: Send them to jail

08 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently local politicians announced that NS dodgers (the multitude of youths who refuse to attend compulsory national service after school) would be punished by jail terms or hefty fines.

"As the law stands, those who fail to attend National Service without valid reason can be sentenced to a fine of up to RM3,000 or six months jail, or both," NS Training Council chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye.

In an unprecedented move of unity, the local mafia, petty crooks and scores of unaffiliated gangsters have issued a press statement agreeing and supporting the goverments decision.

One "taiko" commented (we cannot publish his name due to anonymity contracts signed before hand.) that teaching new recruits was getting tougher these days because "the experienced ones are in prison".

The level of sophistication and professionalism in crime has "taken a downturn" these days, says one crime boss. "The new recruits, especially the ones in school are all messy. They watch television and they think they can already break into a car and steal the cd-player."

"Now, they can meet the professionals and learn."

Various efforts have been made by these lords of the underworld to ensure proper training but police crackdowns have taken their very best teachers from them. "One of my people (name not stated) already had a textbook going, it had diagrams and everything, but then he went and got caught."
laments one lord of the underworld.

Petty criminal "Jo" (last name not stated) said that it would be easier for him to teach his child about the profession.

"I was never that good, but now I can give him the very best." In a fit of emotion he stated his hopes that his child would be better at it than "he ever was".

Asking whether he would feel compassion for his child enduring a jail-term and subsequently pay for the fine, he answered in a fit of laughter. "Even if I did, I wouldnt have the money to pay for it. Thats what they (the crime-bosses) can do for their kids. Rich criminals will have to bail their kids out. My kid will have to do time, and for once being poor is the advantage. He will have to serve time."

reported by Edie J.

picture: what the criminals would look like if they were cowboys.