Friday, October 20, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- Police to hunt down evil people

KUALA LUMPUR- In concurrence with their roles as enforcers of justice, the police are setting up a special task force to track down what may be the very root of all evil.

1,426 young people have failed to turn up for National Service training. Reports have been circulated of the formation of a cult consisting of these very people.

This cult worships, what is reported to be a "god with horns". Experts speculate that this may be Satan, or an intimidating looking goat.

Pamphlets have been found with the basic tenants of its belief in various schools. It forbids;

i) the use of blue camouflage outfits in green surroundings
ii) spending long periods in jungles while listening to mindless drivel
iii) drinking milk

Due to the level of danger that this cult poses to society, the police are not holding back. "We do not have a special department to deal with this issue, but we have roped in investigating officers to form a temporary team to track them down.

In a final bid before the nation-wide crackdown, the police are calling upon the misled youth to turn themselves in.

"I advise all of them to report to the nearest police station or we will track you down." says Federal CID deputy director Datuk Mokhtar Hassan.

To date however none of the NS dodgers/cult members have responded to this final act of mercy. The cult is reported to call itself "People Who Really Have Better Things To Do."

as reported by Jae M.


Samy announces roads are safe to use
The MRR2 highway has been announced as safe to use. Citizens making their way back to their hometowns shall have additional routes to choose from to avoid traffic congestion.

Other highways which are still "Cracked Pillars of Doom" may be used as a more exciting alternative.

Dr M invited to UMNO General Assembly

Umno secretary-general Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has sent an invitation to former Umno president Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad to attend the Umno general assembly on Nov 13.

UMNO officials hope that this will be a step towards reconciliation between the former Prime Minister and several high officials.

Citizens hope that he will "Unleash The Beast Within".

Prime Minister says to strengthen ties

In his Deepavali message Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said that all Malaysians should celebrate Deepavali tomorrow with the spirit to further strengthen multi-racial ties and mutual respect and trust for one another.

He also said "
bla bla... happiness is shared .. bla-bla..rhetoric crap.. bla bla.. friends .. bla bla rhetoric crap".

And something about joy. Or maybe small boys.

Jumping queue a major cause of accidents
Deputy Internal Security Minister Datuk Johari Baharom said that jumping queue was the main cause of traffic accidents which tallied up to 3,175 since last Tuesday. In the last three days the police have issued 10,000 summons for offences such as these.

Other contributing causes are "being ridiculous bastards" and "acting like impatient monkeys."

Fake Goods seized at Bazaar
Negri Sembilan Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs enforcement officers who raided the stalls and seized more than RM50,000 worth of fake goods in Ampangan on Wednesday night.

Operation Extreme Redundancy is going right on track, say experts and one random man.

as reported by Mickey D.

From the editor

Greetings readers.

We would like to thank all of you who have sent us positive feedback, criticisms, and slightly disturbing naked images of yourselves.

I take that back. Make it very, very disturbing.

The Karipanas Crew would like to wish all of you Selamat Hari Raya, and Happy Deepavali. To worshippers of Satan, stay strong, it will be over soon.

We will still be working during the holidays, and hopefully there will be more to report about other than cars crashing into each other.

I am using a lot of space in this post so that it seems that I am writing a lot, when Im not. Clever trick ey?

Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FRONTPAGE- Government to create Super Teachers (Beta)

PUTRAJAYA- Proving that Malaysia is not behind in technology, the government has announced a new scientific innovation for the education system.

"We are going to create Super Teachers." says Education Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

This move was made in response to growing concern over the standard of education in this country.
“This is to ensure that the profession is regarded highly. We believe that these new Super Teachers will perform and live up to our expectations.”

Among features of these robotic wonders are improved skills of reading and writing, embedded mp3 players and tetris (new edition).

"They are like the Transformers, only smaller. And they cannot turn into cars."

He states that this feature will be included in the next edition. "This version is understandably at its beta stage. There are still a few things that have to be worked out." They have had a problem in programming the system to "motivate and communicate" with children.

picture- super teacher (beta)

"The initial programming was death and utter destruction, so sometimes they revert back to their old ways." He states that the robots were remnants of a failed government project to deal with public protests and littering.

"We thought that it would be a waste to simply throw away these "Robots of Doom", and decided to turn them into "Caring Robots of Education".

The new Super Teachers will be posted to all schools by the end of this year. The government firmly believes that this will accurately address the problems with the current education system.

as reported by Edie J.

source: the star

LOCAL NEWS - New weight-loss program for Penan students.

LONG LELLANG (Ulu Baram, Miri): 106 students Penan boys and girls at Sekolah Kebangsaan Long Lellang have been chosen to test-pilot the governments new fitness program to address a growing problem of obesity among young people.

"It is a great success," says local health official, Bujang Mahmud.

"100 percent of the students have experienced rapid weight loss in just the first 6 months." The students are treated to a nutritious meal of papaya's and porridge once a day.

"Three meals a day is just a modern day greedy norm. Many people all over the world can even do just half a meal a day." The fact that these same people are also dying like flies is because of unhygienic practices, and not because of their lack of food.

"They dont wash their hands before they eat, those Africans."

He says that weighing lighter than a small cat is a healthy state to be in for children at that age.

picture- Penan students

The Penan and Kelabit parents, however, have not shown proper co-operation. Most parents secretly give their children rice, fish and vegetables when visting the school.

"It is outrageous." says one school official. "How can we reach the governments mission and vision when citizens do not co-operate."

Their lack of patriotism is appalling, yet officials are not worried as "these jungle people dont have that much food to give away anyway."

"What do you think the jungle is? Tesco?"

He says that the parents will give up eventually and "a nation of healthy, clever children will be born."

as reported by Zakaria M.

source: the star