Monday, October 16, 2006

LOCAL NEWS- New Proton Cars For Police Officers

Proton has announced that they have decided to contribute to the crime fighting cause - by sealing a deal with the Royal Malaysian Police for over RM80 million on 2000 new Proton cars.

The Royal Malaysian Police will be taking delivery of 1000 Waja Campros, 500 Wiras, 400 Sagas and 100 Perdana V6s. Proton is also generously donating approximately 5000 unsold Proton Juaras (reported to have been unanimously voted the world over as the Ugliest Car of All Time) to be used as mobile road barricades.

picture- awarded The Ugliest Car of All Time

At present, the police have a fleet of 1,939 patrol cars and the average response time is about 12 minutes.

"We have some 3,000 policemen under special training for the mobile police vehicle unit and they will graduate next February," Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said at the handover ceremony at the Proton Centre of Excellence in Subang Jaya.

"When there's a free stretch of road anywhere in Kuala Lumpur, it takes 12 minutes for us to deploy 200 patrol cars to set up road blocks and create massive traffic jams. With the additional 2000 cars, we aim to streamline our system so that it takes us only 4 minutes to get the entire stretch of Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan Kuching to come to a standstill." he says proudly.

The fleet of new Proton Juaras, for which the 'special training' is intended, it will replace the task of everything from crash barricades to traffic cones.

picture- proton juara to replace traffic cones forever.

"The officers are given special training in order for them to be fearless. If there is a robbery, we will use a Juara fleet to stop the car. If we need to set up a road block and issue summons under 'reasonable suspicion', we can double-park an entire row of Juaras to narrow down the three-lane highway to one lane. "

"It's more effective and safer than setting up traffic cones".

UMNO Youth, however, is not as enthusiastic about this move. "With the new cars cops will run Mat Rempits off the roads for sure!"

"We have observed that on a typical week, a single police car runs over an average of 5 Mat Rempits. Having a total of almost 4000 patrol cars would mean having 20,000 less Mat Rempits every week. This will severely reduce the number of votes that we'll be getting by the 2008 General Elections!".

Tan Sri Musa Hassan, however, was quick to reassure the UMNO Youth movement: "You might get lesser votes from Mat Rempits, but don't forget that we still have postal votes. Rileks, brader."

(We were not able to reach Proton to respond to comments that this move was made to make up for poor earnings this year. We also do not know their telephone number.)

as reported by Jae M.

From the editor...

Greetings readers. Here are a few answers to questions that you have sent us.

a) Who are the members of the Karipanas Crew?

Please refer to my Welcome Post. And yes, Im serious.

b) Arent you guys afraid of getting in trouble?


c) Who are these crab creatures?

They are crabs, but bigger. And with an evil agenda.

d) Are you a boy or a girl?

The important thing is I am not a crab.

As you can see, we work hard to please you readers.

The first announcement is that there will be an international news column, even though we say we specialize in local news (as stated in our side bar) we lie all the time.

Secondly, we have set up a poll at the side bar, and we hope you participate and vote. Multiple voting is allowed, because we also cater for readers with multiple personalities.

Recently there has been a lot going on in the news about "rempit raids". I personally detest these sub-humans, and for the first time in my life I agree with the government and the police. Since they are now on the "hate-list" I presume killing them will not result in any legal consequences.

Anyone who brings me the head of a "mat rempit" will be rewarded handsomely. Maybe a writer to use as a pet, or slave. Or table. Your choice.
Limbs are also acceptable. When else can you release the psycho-killer inside you? Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

LOCAL NEWS- New Ways For Police To Fight Crime

GEORGE TOWN- Local curry producers have been mobilized to help the police fight crime.

Drug mules use an ingenious stealth technique to bring their goods across the border.

"We shove it in our ass."

Says one drug mule candidly.

Luckily however the local police are using a "local" technique to uncover the crime. One Zambian was forced to eat spiced curry, bananas, and other equally starchy foodstuffs until he naturally relieved himself and along with other disgusting paraphernalia 37 tubes of heroin was found.

Local curry producers are told to create "fiery concoctions of doom" to help the police in their efforts.
One Kariappan, a chef in a local restaurant, said that he had never put so much chili in his dishes before. "No human can take that much spice without exploding in their pants." he says.

The police have had a track record for coming up with innovative methods to fight crime. Business areas around police stations are used to "unique" requests from these commanders of justice.

" If the police ask you for anything, you just give it to them." says Chin Teck Onn, an owner of a dog pound here in George Town. "Even if it is for a dog "who is probably in league with Satan."

picture- dog who is probably in league with Satan.

Chin says that he is not surprised with the way the police work anymore. "I am used to it. I have been here for 30 years, and I dont look amazed anymore when they buy pliers, scorpions and sharpened ice picks."

"But the screams. I just cannot stand the screams."

As reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister

Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea

The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.

The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.

Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.

picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.

- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?

- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.

Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.

- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?

- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.

- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?

- Because we are the government.

-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?

- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.

-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.

- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.

- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?

-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.

- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?

- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.

-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?

- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.

-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?

-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.

-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.

- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.

- Back then?

- After our independence from white men.

- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-

- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.

- They arent registered as real citizens?

- Yes they are.

-But you just said that they arent real citizens?

-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.

-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?

- Exactly.

- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?

-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.

-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?

-We also allow equal treatment there too.

-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.

- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.

- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.

- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.

-Why the Mojo-mojos?

-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.

-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?

- That is too long ago.

-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.

-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.

-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?

-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.

-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?

- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."

-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- source- CNN (Censored News Network)

FRONTPAGE- The government is transparent on Equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Deputy Prime Minister stated that the government would release its methodology of estimating the current equity ownership of Bumiputeras.

“The statistics are not modified for the interest of any community. If it is necessary and there are doubts, we will release the data,” he said.

We have received, via a government informant (who shall remain anonymous) certain documents pertaining to the data.

Alas, the crab creatures strike again.

as reported by Joe Lax