Tuesday, October 17, 2006

FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008

JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.

He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.

Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are

-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.

-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.

- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.

- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".

The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.

No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.

as reported by Joseph Lax

LOCAL NEWS- Superintendent was ordered to disrupt speech, not assembly.

KUALA LUMPUR- Asst Supt Anuar Jusoh, was questioned by the Suhakam panel of inquiry regarding his actions during the protest in KLCC regarding rising fuel prices.

He had allegedly flown a helicopter "dangerously close", and reports were made stating that the police had used "excessive force" to halt the gathering. The Suhakam panel is trying to determine whether human rights had been violated during the operation.

The Superintendent denied having had any intention to harm members of the assembly.

We were given instructions to fly low to disrupt a person's speech, not the assembly."

He is part of the Special Covert Ops which specializes in dealing with "oral danger".

"The target was that evil talking mouth. Not the people around him."
Criticisms have been made that a helicopter was an "inappropriate tool" to stop a man from talking. According to the ops Chief, (who shall not be named due to security reasons) they are trained to recognize and eliminate any "vocal threat".

"We have to use any means possible. In the past we have used harpoons, small rockets and elephants on performance enhancing drugs."

picture- elephant on performance-enhancing drugs

"It is important that citizens are protected from dangerous voices." he states.

He states that dangerous voices may cause harmful diseases. When asked what form of disease, he said it could range from temporary disorders such as bleeding from every orifice of the body for several hours, to terminal illnesses. "Like cancer... of the ass."

"The medical term is... assinificititis. Or "buttdenoonade".

"We will do everything within our power to protect the people. Sometimes excessive force is necessary."

as reported by Edie J.

(All writers of karipanas have been diagnosed with assinificititis. Readers who do not want to be infected are advised to avoid physical contact as this disease may be transmitted to anyone within hearing range.)

LOCAL NEWS- Ending the debate on public equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Tun Musa Hitam stated yesterday that the public debate on equity should end.

He said that he believes that it will soon spin out of control, as he has watched seemingly innocent arguments spun into highly emotional situations. "And the emotions in racial terms need to be managed with care." he states.

Responding to his comments, both sides of the fence have agreed to stop making public statements on the matter.

Apparently they have found a new method to convey their feelings that is deemed safe to use in volatile Malaysia.

"We are going to have a dance-off."

Similar to breakdance showdowns in 80's movies, they are donning on headgear and wrist warmers to prepare for what is likely to be an entertaining event. The criticizers of the EPU (Economic Planning Unit) findings have already started rehearsing their moves.

"Even though most of us are in our 40's, we still can "trip to the beat", says one representative from this camp.

Among moves that they have "nailed" are;

-the G-Kick, a kick with the legs and the arms forming a G shape:
which will signify the question "why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?"

-the Insane Corkscrew, a spin with the direction constantly changing:
which will mean "youre not answering our questions directly!"

-the Helicopter/Coffeegrinder/Ball-and-chain - a rotation of the legs while the hands are on the floor:

this will just be for showing off purposes.

picture- why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?

When asked if he had anything to say to his opponents, the message was;

"ITS ON BIATCH!!!!!!!"

(We could not reach representatives of the other camp for comments. Rumors state that they are debating on whether it would be concurrent with government policy to "keep it real".)

as reported by Joe Lacks