PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT- How to identify "Bogus Doctors".

Director-general of Health Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican today stated that he believes there are many illegal centres and clinics operating nationwide. One such clinic was recently discovered in Shah Alam.

The bogus doctor had already performed several complicated medical procedures on unsuspecting Malaysians, including removal of tumours, kidney stones and ovarian cysts.

The Karipanas Crew cares for the welfare of its readers, and here we provide you a few ways to make sure your doctor is authentic.



1. Is your doctor nice and friendly?

- This probably means that he is a fraud. Real doctors are not nice. They are trained to look at patients as whiny insects. They do not care for your yelps of pain or cries of anguish when they poke you with needles and other equally sharp and painful instruments. Real doctors are also half-reptile.



2. Does your doctor have family members?

- This should be regarded as a red flag. Doctors do not breed like mammals; they release spores from their bodies and various insects settle on their surfaces, and spread the pollen on to other doctors. Or they have sex with themselves, like bacteria you see on Discovery channel.

They do not need to marry or have a mate. If there is a picture of a happy family displayed on the wall, these people are more likely kidnap victims. It would be prudent to call the local authorities.



3. Does your doctor refer to you by your name when giving instructions the the nurse?

- Obviously a dangerous sign. A real doctor would use "it", "that thing" or "disgusting meaty insect". (refer above- doctors are half-reptile) Authentic doctors would also be able to transmit orders to the nurses via telepathy using gills located under their armpits. They can locate their nurses by sonar.



4. Does your doctor have a sense of style?
- Real doctors are color blind and are not familiar with the human concept of fashion. They usually obtain their clothes from dead patients.



5. Have you ever seen your doctor "go home", or refer to another residential address?
- Doctors nest in dark damp areas of their clinics. They shun the sunlight and detest warmth. If exposed to the sun they may melt, or sprout tentacles like that "species" alien and start eating random people.



For safety purposes, please make sure that your doctor is certified. If you find that he is in fact a masquerading bastard in a white coat, gather an angry mob and stab at him with various sharp instruments.

These guideline are mere suggestions, we strongly advise you to contact your local authorities for more information. Their advice may be more valid, ours simply more satisfying.

SIGHTINGS- Proud to be Malaysian

Other people need cell phones, "just for an emergency". We on the other hand don't... our phones work fine even during natural disasters!

Of course, when theres no disaster, our phone lines, power supply etc aren't worth a damn, but hey, you can't have everything!


as reported by Rambler

PROPS- Dr Lim Teck Ghee

Economist Dr Lim Teck Ghee stands by findings and says he cannot accept backdown by Asli president, Mirzan Mahathir.



“It is the fundamental right of the Malaysian public to question all government statistics and policies, more so when these are not transparent or defensible,” he said.



Dr Lim said he could not accept the ASLI president's (Mizan Mahathir) backdown over the issue. Mizan Mahathir had stated publicly that the methodology used to base the findings had been flawed.


“I think it is better for people to do things based on principle rather than on any other agenda,” he said.


**The Karipanas Crew regrets to inform you that we cannot find any humor in this news report. According to our in-house experts this is due to the fact that it is "too damn respectable".

LOCAL NEWS- ASLI apologizes

KUALA LUMPUR-The Asian Strategy and Leadership Institute (ASLI) has issued a public statement admitting that the recent survey conducted by this prominent think-tank on Bumiputera equity ownership may have been flawed.



This report strikes a sensitive nerve in Malaysian society as the New Economic Policy was constructed to achieve 30% Bumiputera equity ownership, igniting a public debate on whether affirmative action measures should desist after reaching its target.


ASLI president Mirzan Mahathir stated that its conclusions; namely that Bumiputera equity ownership in public listed companies are at 45 percent, cannot be "vigorously justified".


"Asli deeply regrets the hurt and confusion felt by all Malaysians caused by the center's report."


Despite his obvious sincerity and commitment to the nations interest many Malaysians have been lethargic in responding to his public apology. Only a smattering few have responded via sms saying "Its okay,' and a desolate number of one saying "I forgive you."


In a survey conducted by our in-house think-tank on whether Malaysians will ever truly forgive ASLI for this erroneous report;


42 percent say: Maybe, time will tell.

36 percent say: No, its over between us.

234 percent say: what report?

71 percent say: Give me that banana.

(survey participants: one orangutan with multiple personalities.)


picture-survey participant


*The karipanas crew would like to state that our conclusions cannot be vigorously justified. We would like to apologize for any pain suffered by Malaysians as a result of this report.


as reported by Edie J.

Quotes- Datuk Muhammad Abdul Ghani: Nominated Role Model Father of The Year by The Karipanas Crew

"He (his son) is not clever at doing it ... to be a fraudster you need skills. Fraudsters should always be a notch above their victims. If one were smart, one wouldn’t clone all the APs in a week. There should at least be a three-month interval. He didn’t learn from me or I could have given him some tips,"



"I am more concerned about what is happening to my company than what is happening to my son."



(Datuk Muhammad Abd Ghani, responding to the press on the matter of the AP scandal. He has claimed complete ignorance of the matter and is placing the blame on his son.)



Contending for this award, the crew has also nominated "Half-eaten bag of Corntos (Chicken Flavour)". The votes are in, and we think this will be a close fight. Results will be announced at the end of the year, or when we finish eating the second nominee.

WHO WILL WIN?

DATUK GHANI vs. HALF-EATEN BAG OF CORNTOS (chicken flavour)

FRONTPAGE- The Haze- The real cause

KUALA LUMPUR- The haze in Malaysia has turned into an annual event. Indonesia has been held responsible for the health hazard creeping into the borders of of its neighboring countries. The patience of its fellow ASEAN members is wearing thin.

Public animosity has risen due to fact that Indonesia is seen as lethargic in dealing with the problem despite having ratified the trans boundary agreement on haze.

It has been concluded by several research groups however that the Indonesian government is not completely responsible for this reoccurring crises.

Apparently the main cause for the forest fires are smoking monkeys.

picture-smoking monkey

"We have been trying to get them to quit for the longest time," says forest ranger Hamidoon Bambangsila. "They just rip off nicotine patches, and they never commit to twelve-step programs we try to get them into."

The monkeys cause the forest fires by carelessly dropping cigarettes without properly extinguishing them. "We've had various campaigns to educate them about the importance of disposing cigarettes in a safe way, but they just wont listen."

Recently the monkeys have also started smoking marijuana, stolen from dealers in the city area. "Now its even harder to control them. How are you going to talk sense into stoned monkeys?" says Hamidoon.

picture-stoned monkey

When asked if they have consulted experts on solving this problem the forest ranger lets out an exasperated sigh. "We did. They said "They are monkeys. What do you expect?" Until this monkey smoking epidemic is solved, the haze will continue to be a yearly event.

as reported by- Jade L.

LOCAL NEWS- Kerepek says, give us a chance

picture- sad kerepek


KUALA LUMPUR- The Prime Minister's appeal to the people to "give local products a chance" has been received with eager applause by local manufacturers and entrepreneurs.

And not less so, by the products themselves.

In an appeal to gather sympathy for local products alike, one "Kerepek Pisang" has stepped forward to champion the cause of fried local delicacies.

"Malaysians have changed in the past few years, they have gradually turned away from consuming my peers. They are lured by the colorful packaging of international brands, Twisties, Pringles and that dastardly enticing Mr. Potato."




picture- kerepek gone bad

He states that everyday bundles of "Kerepek Pisang" lay to waste in storage, till they reach their due dates and are discarded.


"Without any purpose to fulfill, "kerepek" rejected by society have to turn to a life of crime."

He states that the local crime rate has risen due to this very factor. "Think of this, every time you choose Mr. Potato over us, one "kerepek" is forced to steal, rob or even become prostitutes in order to survive."


His admission explains why a large number of crimes have yet to be solved here. "Who would suspect a "kerepek"?

In his final statement he asks Malaysians to "have a heart" and consume "kerepek pisang" everywhere. "At first I thought that a life of crime would be exciting, instead of the normal life of an average "kerepek". Now the cheap thrills and money mean nothing to me. I want to be eaten."

He is currently working as a bouncer for a prominent club in Jalan Telawi. "Its too late for me now. I am a kerepek that has already "masuk angin". I am nothing but a thug."

LOCAL NEWS- Cloning, Malaysia is the new frontier.

picture- failed clone experiments released to the wild after mass labs closing down

09-October-2006

KUALA LUMPUR-The announcement of cloned APs in Malaysia has confounded scientists everywhere.

"This is a breakthrough we would never have expected from such a small country." says Dr Iago, Head of Research in GratuisCorp a multinational corporation specializing in genome studies."I cant even find the country on the bloody map. When I did, I realized it was covered by a coffee stain, which inhibited me from locating it."

A member of the Senate who has been identified as the pioneer of this breakthrough in science, refuses to take credit for it and attributes the success to his son. This has been assumed to be a classic display of Asian modesty.

Scientists from around the world have continued to send in messages of congratulations mixed with statements of utter bewilderment.

"Cloning is still in its infant stages, no one attempt has been completely successful." says Dr Radhika, who heads a research facility in Holland. "Dolly was a mess, and the facade in South Korea was just shameful. Billions of dollars have been spent in these failed experiments, and its just amazing that a country with a GDP of my annual salary to have done this."

Some scientists have even responded by committing "harakiri" or simply hanging themselves in shame.

"Its just indecent of you people." says one scientist (who refuses to be identified) tearfully. "Its embarassing for people in our field, to have someone without a proper educational background to achieve what you have achieved."

"Youre a third world country. Shouldnt you be concentrating on feeding hungry people or something? Where is all the money coming from?"

In a fit of contempt numerous research labs have simply halted their experiments and refuse to continue until their demands have been met.

"Politicians should stick to their jobs, and let us do ours. There are so many of you people with ribs sticking out he shouldnt be gallivanting around making scientific breakthroughs. I see you people on Discovery channel. Youre a mess." says Dr Hallenschaeur, a prominent scientist for Delante Inc, a genome research facility.

He stated that "brown" people were in the same plight everywhere, "Africa or whatever your country is called, its the same thing."

The United States State Department has issued a statement of congratulations stating that "Its okay, as long as you guys arent making bombs. Clone all you want."

reported by Jade L.

FEATURED: Happy Invaders

09 October 2006



KUALA LUMPUR- The aliens are coming and they are happy.

"We are pleased with the Malaysian governments efforts to maintain the purity of the Malay language." says Bob the alien spokesperson. "The fact of the matter is that it has been a hard deal for us in deciding where to invade, but a nation of squishies (the term which the aliens use to refer to human beings) that maintain their old form of communication really appeals to us."


The reason being, as stated by Bob, that it would make communication between invader and invadee easier. The aliens had given up studying human languages because of the constant mutations in them initiated by people all over the world.

(examples given were "lol", "fa-shizzle ma nizzle", and "biatch"; "the english language is barely recognizable from its true form" he states )

But the Malaysian governments actions have bought them a ray of hope.


"If they are starting to clamp down on business posters, and freaking toll cards, soon it will be television shows, drama, any form of expression that abuses the language, and soon people will forget that they had that freedom." this, he believes is the ideal situation.


"We can just refer to our old texts and communicate with them with the language already in our databanks, instead of spending time on more research."


"We need to understand the people we are about to massacre, because we might need important information, like where is the nearest public toilet, what good movies are on right now, where to get the best deals for hardware."


When asked why aliens need to invade and attack humans, he said simply "to eat them".


by Lacks Joe





the alien; as reproduced by our sketch artist

Taiko says: Send them to jail

08 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently local politicians announced that NS dodgers (the multitude of youths who refuse to attend compulsory national service after school) would be punished by jail terms or hefty fines.

"As the law stands, those who fail to attend National Service without valid reason can be sentenced to a fine of up to RM3,000 or six months jail, or both," NS Training Council chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye.


In an unprecedented move of unity, the local mafia, petty crooks and scores of unaffiliated gangsters have issued a press statement agreeing and supporting the goverments decision.


One "taiko" commented (we cannot publish his name due to anonymity contracts signed before hand.) that teaching new recruits was getting tougher these days because "the experienced ones are in prison".


The level of sophistication and professionalism in crime has "taken a downturn" these days, says one crime boss. "The new recruits, especially the ones in school are all messy. They watch television and they think they can already break into a car and steal the cd-player."


"Now, they can meet the professionals and learn."


Various efforts have been made by these lords of the underworld to ensure proper training but police crackdowns have taken their very best teachers from them. "One of my people (name not stated) already had a textbook going, it had diagrams and everything, but then he went and got caught."
laments one lord of the underworld.


Petty criminal "Jo" (last name not stated) said that it would be easier for him to teach his child about the profession.


"I was never that good, but now I can give him the very best." In a fit of emotion he stated his hopes that his child would be better at it than "he ever was".


Asking whether he would feel compassion for his child enduring a jail-term and subsequently pay for the fine, he answered in a fit of laughter. "Even if I did, I wouldnt have the money to pay for it. Thats what they (the crime-bosses) can do for their kids. Rich criminals will have to bail their kids out. My kid will have to do time, and for once being poor is the advantage. He will have to serve time."

reported by Edie J.


picture: what the criminals would look like if they were cowboys.