FEATURED- Mysteries of Ramadhan

KUALA LUMPUR-Latest statistics conducted by the Royal Malaysian Social Engineering Society has concluded that the Muslim population in Malaysia has become more obese and financially poorer during the fasting month. The findings have been met with some degree of confusion and widespread denial among Muslims.



56.4% of the Muslim population have gained weight by an average of 12.6% as compared to their body weight before Ramadhan. This development has left religious authorities and medical personnel baffled, as it appears that they have gained weight despite supposedly reducing their food intake during the fasting month.




"This is totally opposite to what one would expect. Normally, when a person fasts and consumes a moderate, balanced meal while breaking fast, he or she will actually lose weight and be more fit and healthy. But what we're seeing here is that they have become fatter!", says Dr. Tambhirajah Sivaseelan, head of the Dietary and Nutrition Department of Kuala Lumpur Hospital.


"It is a medical mystery."



Some however do not find it surprising. "I see the fella working at the garmen counter always sleeping only. I think they all fat because morning that time eat so much, rest of the day they sleep only". says Chen Tek Ong, 28.



His remarks are met with death threats from certain quarters, and Khairy Jamaluddin has promised to personally yell at his face with a megaphone to teach him not to insult Muslims.




Another unaccountable but unrelated phenomenon observed is that Muslims are running out of cash at a faster rate during the Ramadhan month. Some have attributed it to toyols. (Small, nasty, yet entertaining creatures.)





Prominent parapsychologist-cum-ghostbuster, Uncle Seeker, explained: "It is not impossible for toyols to be roaming free during the Ramadhan month."He says that other creatures of the night usually take time off from scaring random people as this is a holy month.


"Toyols however, do not give a damn."




UMNO Youth had an answer that they insist is more logical - the Jews are up to their nonsense again. Khairy issued a press statement today, saying "The evil international brotherhood of Jews and Zionists are taking advantage of the Ramadhan month to further oppress the Muslims by making our money vanish mysteriously".




In a poll conducted, it was found that 93.2% of Muslims admitted that they went broke faster during the Ramadhan month than they did in the earlier months. The only people immune to this are the traffic police.

FEATURED- Proton sales surge in the United Kingdom

PETALING JAYA-Proton Holdings Bhd has seen a surge in car sales in Britain as the number of cars sold from January to last month is 48% higher compared to the same period in 2005.


Proton UK general sales and marketing manager Simon Park was reported to have said that a growing dealer network, and the Savvy and ongoing advertising campaigns had resulted in the increase in sales this year.

Included below are the sales reports of major car companies in the UK market from January 2006 to September 2006.


TOYOTA- 540,119

THE VOLKSWAGEN GROUP- 1.4 million

RENAULT- 1.54 million,

HONDA- 2,563, 631

PROTON- 1,702


CONGRATULATIONS PROTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!!!!

as reported by Joe Lacks

FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister

Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea


The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.


The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.

Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.




picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.



- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?


- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.

Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.




- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?


- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.



- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?


- Because we are the government.



-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?

- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.




-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.

- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.



- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?

-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.



- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?


- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.



-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?

- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.



-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?

-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.



-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.

- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.




- Back then?

- After our independence from white men.




- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-

- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.



- They arent registered as real citizens?

- Yes they are.



-But you just said that they arent real citizens?

-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.



-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?

- Exactly.



- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?

-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.


-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?

-We also allow equal treatment there too.



-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.

- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.



- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.

- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.



-Why the Mojo-mojos?

-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.



-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?

- That is too long ago.



-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.

-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.


-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?

-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.



-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?

- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."


-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


- source- CNN (Censored News Network)

FEATURED- World Mental Health Day- Dont kill yourself.

Today is World Mental Health Day.



In conjunction with this date, governments and NGO's worldwide promote awareness on issues such as suicide and chronic depression.


Malaysians generally do not want to discuss issues such as these. It is a matter that is unpopular in public discourse, and the attitude towards it is generally apathetic.



This reluctance prevails despite an escalating number of suicides from year to year; in fact suicide is the second leading cause of death after cardiovascular diseases. 'We seem to be in a national denial,' says Professor Hussain Habil, the president of the Malaysian Psychiatric Association.


13 out of 100,000 people in Malaysia commit suicide on a yearly basis.

Our in-house psychiatrist, (who is also a magic performer for birthday parties) has suggested a few ways for self-treatment should an individual wish to end his/her life.



1. If you want to kill yourself because you think that you have a bad life- review pictures of people in Africa. They will always make you feel privileged and that you should feel thankful that your life is not one tormented by genocide, starvation or random adoptions by famous people.

Alternatively, review pictures of people in Singapore. You will always feel good about yourself.




2. If you want to kill yourself because your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife left you, write down ten things you have always hated about him/her.

Everyone has character flaws and physical defects, so rejoice because now you can look for someone better than the ugly cow/beast-thing/swamp-monster that left you.


Did your ex have some embarrassing secrets/herpes? Get it off your chest, tell your best gossip mongering untrustworthy with secrets loud-mouthed friend.



3. If you want to kill yourself because your business is failing, or other monetary catastrophies keep in mind that most major successes today failed a million times; some were even homeless.
(read about Damien Rice and Jewel)

They managed to get where they are today because they continued to live and fight on another day.

Since this was quite serious heres a picture of a ridiculous man to offset the effects.


picture- ridiculous man


4. If you want to kill yourself because you are in a cult that tells you to do so, join another cult. We recommend the cult "mismatched cheese warriors".


It preaches terrorizing the lives of people who use camembert cheese in a reckless manner (e.g. eating it with whole wheat bread instead of croissants) . Its a more fulfilling and delicious way of life.





5. If you want to kill yourself because you feel lonely and you dont have any real friends, hey, we dont either! Friends are a drag, they always need you to do stuff for them and things like that. We highly recommend a friend-less lifestyle.

Alternatively, you can ditch the people who dont care about you, and go out and meet new people. According to statistics, there are a gazillion living breathing humans out there who are also into this unhealthy needing friends lifestyle.




6. If you want to kill yourself because you are a political leader who swindled the money of his people, cheated in elections, and sent innocent people who have spoken out against you in jail, GO FOR IT!


Happy World Mental Health Day.

FEATURED: Happy Invaders

09 October 2006



KUALA LUMPUR- The aliens are coming and they are happy.

"We are pleased with the Malaysian governments efforts to maintain the purity of the Malay language." says Bob the alien spokesperson. "The fact of the matter is that it has been a hard deal for us in deciding where to invade, but a nation of squishies (the term which the aliens use to refer to human beings) that maintain their old form of communication really appeals to us."


The reason being, as stated by Bob, that it would make communication between invader and invadee easier. The aliens had given up studying human languages because of the constant mutations in them initiated by people all over the world.

(examples given were "lol", "fa-shizzle ma nizzle", and "biatch"; "the english language is barely recognizable from its true form" he states )

But the Malaysian governments actions have bought them a ray of hope.


"If they are starting to clamp down on business posters, and freaking toll cards, soon it will be television shows, drama, any form of expression that abuses the language, and soon people will forget that they had that freedom." this, he believes is the ideal situation.


"We can just refer to our old texts and communicate with them with the language already in our databanks, instead of spending time on more research."


"We need to understand the people we are about to massacre, because we might need important information, like where is the nearest public toilet, what good movies are on right now, where to get the best deals for hardware."


When asked why aliens need to invade and attack humans, he said simply "to eat them".


by Lacks Joe





the alien; as reproduced by our sketch artist