FRONTPAGE- Khalwat Raid On Non-Muslims

KUALA LUMPUR-Breaking down a few times towards the course of the interview, the Petronas Ad Chinese Kid (who would like to remain anonymous) related tearfully on how he was harassed by religious department officials during a 4am khalwat raid on his house. Speaking at the MCA Public Complains Bureau, he related the incident which have rendered him sleepless for the past 2 nights.



In the raid, religious officers continuously banged on his door, insisting that he opened up. He was accused of concealing a Malay girl in his room at that time, which he vehemently denied.


The department officials claimed that they have hard evidence that he has been doing some "immoral activities" with the Malay girl since at least 4 years ago, and they forced him to produce the girl in the early hours of the morning although he insisted that he doesn't know where she is now.


"It was only a commercial, for crying out loud! How am I supposed to know where she is now?"




He insisted that he's a Buddhist, but the religious department officers apparently snapped back at him "You lived in a Malay kampung area and flirted with a Malay girl. You are definitely a Muslim, don't lie!", to which he retorted "That's not even my real house!".



The officers remained unconvinced, but left after harassing him for several hours.



Michael Chong, head of the MCA Public Complains Bureau, expressed extreme disgust at this invasion of privacy. The religious department, however, defended their khalwat raid.


A religious department spokesperson said, "We acted on a tip-off based on hard evidence which we have received (see Exhibit A below), and we can safely say that we have at least 8 million reliable witnesses to his crime of khalwat who have seen him doing it again and again. In addition to him denying that he's a Muslim, we're planning to charge him for apostasy as well".



The department insisted that they're not intentionally targeting non-Muslims in misguided raids. "All our raids are conducted based on excellent intelligence information. For instance, we were planning to nab this guy, 'Jason'. We also had video evidence of him commiting khalwat, and all we needed to do was to find out his surname and his house address. "


"We were on the verge of obtaining a Syariah Court order to subpoena Yasmin Ahmad for information relating to his whereabouts, but at the last minute, our intelligence-gathering team discovered that 'Jason' died in a motorbike accident. Hence, we did not pursue that case any further."


"As you can see, the religious department is very meticulous in our procedures, and we do not simply pick on random targets with poor bits of information."


Exhibit A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dI6YuQay7ds

as reported by Jae M.

FRONTPAGE- DAP and Zakaria supporters face-off

KLANG- Today a near-bloody scuffle ensued between members of the DAP (Democratic Action Party) and the supporters of Datuk Zakaria Mat Deros.



DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng, led a 300-man procession to protest outside the residence of the UMNO division chief. After realizing that the latter and his wife, Datin Zizah Ngah were not at home they began chanting anti-Zakaria slogans.



When Zakaria's supporters came on the scene to stop this public protest, it started a physical confrontation from what had initially began as a mere oral demonstration.

picture- the funniest use of the word "fracas" in human history. we dare you to refute this.

Onlookers are divided on which side actually started the fight, but all agree that the Zakaria's supporters emerged victorious.


Some say that this was due to the fact that the DAP members were "middle-aged unfit men", while some DAP members have refuted this point by saying that they were simply caught off guard.


"They werent ready for a fight. If they had known you would have seen some kung-fu ass shit man."says one source.

It is a proven fact that all Chinese know kung-fu.


However most agree that one reason is that Zakaria's supporters mainly consisted of several barnyard animals, and a few creatures from the endangered species list as identified by the the WWF (World Wildlife Fund.)



Members of the DAP have also stated that it was difficult to engage their opponents in battle as the few homosapiens involved were active participants of the Special Olympics. "My mother say cannot hit people that cacat one." says one bystander.


They were reportedly enlisted under the category "Spelling and Reading Deficiency" which experts state is practically an incurable disease.


"But they are all still very special."


as reported by Joe Lacks

FRONTPAGE- Stand behind Badawi

Kuala Lumpur- Recently local authority figures have called out to Malaysians to cease from criticizing the government. They also urge that citizens stand strongly behind the Prime Minister for the good of the nation.


Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi has also commented on Tun Dr Mahathir's unrelenting campaign against the government, stating that the former is attacking with "stronger venom" and that the people also share his sentiment that it is baseless and that it should be stopped.



Scientists have pitched in this rally call for support, citing empirical evidence that criticisms upon the government may hurt the country and gradually bring it to its doom.


"It is as dangerous as real venom."



"Through our studies we have found that there will be extreme detriment to the Prime Minister, and of course the government as a whole if things go on as they are. And naturally if the government is affected, so are the people of this country."


He stated that criticisms lets off a certain wave that can only be detected by special equipment.

"And these waves might as well be nuclear waves, with the effect that they bring."


He calls them "negative germs". "To help the public understand how serious the problem is, we are releasing extremely detailed graphs."

picture- extremely detailed graph

"The red waves represent the criticisms that is directed towards the Prime Minister."


However they state that the public need not panic as there is still time to repair the harm that has been done.


"What the public can do in the interest of the nation is to praise and love the government. This will help cleanse the germs that have infested, and bring our country back to its natural state."

picture- extremely detailed graph 2

The pink waves signify the love shown from the people, he states.


"It is important that we do these measures as soon as possible, before we all meet our doom."


He also adds that there does not have to be a particularly good reason to give love and praise. "You can just say something nice about his hair."


"This is for the country. Citizens should forget about sincerity and their real feelings when this is at stake."


(scientists conducting this research are also economists of the Economic Planning Unit, and sometimes are F1 Race-car girls)


as reported by Edie J.

FRONTPAGE- "The Real Bumiputera's"?

KUALA LUMPUR- The announcement by Scientific Research Group stunned the nation this morning.


Apparently through long and extensive research their scientists have discovered a small ethnic minority which was not included in the Bumiputera classification by the government, as true people of the land.


They released a chronology of tribes that had inhabited the land "before" the arrivals of Malays to the archipelago.


"As known by most Malaysians the Orang Asli inhabited this island, way before everyone else." says Dr. Harish Mohammed.

picture- privileged Orang Asli

"And they have been given as much privilege and help as Malay Bumiputera's and other people falling into that category."


"But now there is evidence to show that they were not the first here."


Their findings were that the very first living being to have reached the shores of the peninsula was a cockroach named Joe.

The reinstatement of Joe's rights are being processed and since he and his kin were around for a longer period they are seeking to give them extra privileges.



"They should be given more than the 30 percent equity rights, and a larger budget for their religious schools and places of worship."



The New Bumiputeras apparently worship bits of cheese that are found on the floor. "Legislation should be made that the citizens of Malaysia respect their beliefs and stop sweeping their floors when cheese falls on it." says Dr Harish.


as reported by Kandy K.

FRONTPAGE- Government to create Super Teachers (Beta)

PUTRAJAYA- Proving that Malaysia is not behind in technology, the government has announced a new scientific innovation for the education system.


"We are going to create Super Teachers." says Education Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.



This move was made in response to growing concern over the standard of education in this country. “This is to ensure that the profession is regarded highly. We believe that these new Super Teachers will perform and live up to our expectations.”


Among features of these robotic wonders are improved skills of reading and writing, embedded mp3 players and tetris (new edition).


"They are like the Transformers, only smaller. And they cannot turn into cars."




He states that this feature will be included in the next edition. "This version is understandably at its beta stage. There are still a few things that have to be worked out." They have had a problem in programming the system to "motivate and communicate" with children.

picture- super teacher (beta)

"The initial programming was death and utter destruction, so sometimes they revert back to their old ways." He states that the robots were remnants of a failed government project to deal with public protests and littering.




"We thought that it would be a waste to simply throw away these "Robots of Doom", and decided to turn them into "Caring Robots of Education".




The new Super Teachers will be posted to all schools by the end of this year. The government firmly believes that this will accurately address the problems with the current education system.


as reported by Edie J.

source: the star

FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008

JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.


He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.





Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are

-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.



-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.



- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.



- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".




The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.

No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.


as reported by Joseph Lax

FRONTPAGE- The government is transparent on Equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Deputy Prime Minister stated that the government would release its methodology of estimating the current equity ownership of Bumiputeras.


“The statistics are not modified for the interest of any community. If it is necessary and there are doubts, we will release the data,” he said.


We have received, via a government informant (who shall remain anonymous) certain documents pertaining to the data.







Alas, the crab creatures strike again.


as reported by Joe Lax

FRONTPAGE- Illegitimate use of jedi powers

picture- have malaysian jedi's turned to the "dark side"?


KUALA LUMPUR- The local Jedi Council here in Malaysia have issued a public statement warning users of Jedi powers without proper authorization that they will be punished by "the force".



"It is utterly unforgivable for a Jedi to use Jedi mind tricks for political gain," says Muthu Balavijendran, leader of the Jedi Council of Malaysia.



This announcement was made in response to reports of political authorities being able to "change" the minds of prominent think tanks "without any pressure". Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak said that Asli president Mirzan Mahathir had retracted their findings on Bumiputera equity ownership "voluntarily".


The leader of the Jedi Council had felt an imbalance "in the force" during Mizan's public apology.




picture-unrelated to post. jedi squirrels.



"It is clear that Jedi powers were used." he says. "Obviously there had been no pressure on that poor man, he was powerless against that Jedi mind trick where you sort of wave the hand and then you agree with everything the Jedi says. Like that part in Star Wars where Obi Wan wants to get a flying space thing, and the owner sort of like just gives it to him."

He states that he was referring to the new Star Wars trilogy and "not the old one with Harrison Ford".




When asked what action will be taken against rogue Jedi's the president said that this was a decision that the council had to make with due caution. Apparently without proper care, disobedient Jedi's may turn "to the dark side".


"We are worried that these Jedi's might already have."



Reports of the misuse of Jedi powers may be forwarded to the Jedi Council Headquarters which is located in a playground at SK Wangsamaju.

"If its recess time, they can find us at the canteen." says the Jedi Master.

FRONTPAGE- The Haze- The real cause

KUALA LUMPUR- The haze in Malaysia has turned into an annual event. Indonesia has been held responsible for the health hazard creeping into the borders of of its neighboring countries. The patience of its fellow ASEAN members is wearing thin.

Public animosity has risen due to fact that Indonesia is seen as lethargic in dealing with the problem despite having ratified the trans boundary agreement on haze.

It has been concluded by several research groups however that the Indonesian government is not completely responsible for this reoccurring crises.

Apparently the main cause for the forest fires are smoking monkeys.

picture-smoking monkey

"We have been trying to get them to quit for the longest time," says forest ranger Hamidoon Bambangsila. "They just rip off nicotine patches, and they never commit to twelve-step programs we try to get them into."

The monkeys cause the forest fires by carelessly dropping cigarettes without properly extinguishing them. "We've had various campaigns to educate them about the importance of disposing cigarettes in a safe way, but they just wont listen."

Recently the monkeys have also started smoking marijuana, stolen from dealers in the city area. "Now its even harder to control them. How are you going to talk sense into stoned monkeys?" says Hamidoon.

picture-stoned monkey

When asked if they have consulted experts on solving this problem the forest ranger lets out an exasperated sigh. "We did. They said "They are monkeys. What do you expect?" Until this monkey smoking epidemic is solved, the haze will continue to be a yearly event.

as reported by- Jade L.

Taiko says: Send them to jail

08 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently local politicians announced that NS dodgers (the multitude of youths who refuse to attend compulsory national service after school) would be punished by jail terms or hefty fines.

"As the law stands, those who fail to attend National Service without valid reason can be sentenced to a fine of up to RM3,000 or six months jail, or both," NS Training Council chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye.


In an unprecedented move of unity, the local mafia, petty crooks and scores of unaffiliated gangsters have issued a press statement agreeing and supporting the goverments decision.


One "taiko" commented (we cannot publish his name due to anonymity contracts signed before hand.) that teaching new recruits was getting tougher these days because "the experienced ones are in prison".


The level of sophistication and professionalism in crime has "taken a downturn" these days, says one crime boss. "The new recruits, especially the ones in school are all messy. They watch television and they think they can already break into a car and steal the cd-player."


"Now, they can meet the professionals and learn."


Various efforts have been made by these lords of the underworld to ensure proper training but police crackdowns have taken their very best teachers from them. "One of my people (name not stated) already had a textbook going, it had diagrams and everything, but then he went and got caught."
laments one lord of the underworld.


Petty criminal "Jo" (last name not stated) said that it would be easier for him to teach his child about the profession.


"I was never that good, but now I can give him the very best." In a fit of emotion he stated his hopes that his child would be better at it than "he ever was".


Asking whether he would feel compassion for his child enduring a jail-term and subsequently pay for the fine, he answered in a fit of laughter. "Even if I did, I wouldnt have the money to pay for it. Thats what they (the crime-bosses) can do for their kids. Rich criminals will have to bail their kids out. My kid will have to do time, and for once being poor is the advantage. He will have to serve time."

reported by Edie J.


picture: what the criminals would look like if they were cowboys.