Thursday, October 19, 2006
From the editor
Greetings readers.
We would like to apologize for our late posts today. There is no real reason why. We are just lazy bastards.
Secondly, we would like to announce that we have a karipanas forum, located at the sidebar. This is a unique forum, as unlike other forums where you have to register, follow anal-retentive rules and get constant warnings from the moderator, we allow you to roam freely like wild animals.
You can say anything you want, the same rules apply as to the comments made here. There is a registration request, and you may choose to register but you may also post replies as a guest.
We dont care either way.
Thirdly, one reader submitted that our poll had too many choices and people would not make time to read all of the choices. The point he has made is valid. Dyslexia is common these days. From now on, polls will have less answers to choose from to cater to the abject laziness of our readers. Thank you for your support, and happy reading.
the editor
"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."
SNIPPETS
DR M and Badawi to meet
Both prominent political figures have announced their desire to meet and reconcile with each other. This move has reportedly been engineered by people within the Barisan Nasional party, who are uncomfortable with the feud between them.
87 percent of Malaysians however would like it to go on as they find it more entertaining that way.
11 ISA detaineed released
Nik Adli, son of PAS leader Nik Aziz was released from the ISA today. Ten others released were two Norwegian tourists, one random old man, a baby, a yellow baboon, a neurotic teenager, and five angry lawyers.
Nik Adli was detained for allegedly having links with the KMM (Kumpulan Militan Malaysia). The others were detained for "looking fishy".
The lawyers however were kept there as a silly prank.
Police on Megaphones in Segamat
In a new move to reduce crime, the Segamat police are broadcasting their messages using megaphones from their patrol cars. This is a move to constantly remind residents to be careful of their surroundings.
Residents in turn are buying their own megaphones. Some to announce thank you messages back to the vigilant policemen.
Most just to say "SHUT UP YOU CRAZY BASTARDS! I CANT FCKIN SLEEP YOU STUPID GITS!"
Amir Muhammad to make a sequel to Lelaki Komunis Terakhir
Even though the first part of the movie was banned by the Malaysian government Amir Muhammad is soldiering on and creating the sequel.
The authorities have already announced that they are going to ban the sequel even if they have not seen it yet. This, as announced by officials, is to simply save time. "We know we are going to ban it anyway."
The movie preview will be held in Amir Muhammad's bedroom, and the invited guests will be himself and his cat, Poco.
Mat Rempit in hiding
The Mat Rempit's who attacked the Kubang Semang police station are nowhere to be seen. The official stance of the police is that they have gone into hiding.
However according to one source, various responsible members of the public have hunted them down and beaten them to death with shovels and other lethal gardening tools.
"Three down. One more to go."says one caring citizen.
LOCAL NEWS- Killer emu's roam loose in Klang
picture-killer emu
KLANG- Killer emu's have been sighted in various areas in Klang Valley.
"We think that they escaped from one of the zoo's" says one local forest ranger, Hamid Hussein. The emu's are ingenious at concealing themselves from the naked eye. They conceal themselves in various rubbish heaps that can be found in the Klang area.
"Also, most people are too hungry to notice a killer emu this fasting month."
One unfortunate victim is Klang Umno Puteri chief Roselinda Abdul Jamil.
Killer emu's have a liking for human eyeballs. "It is a natural instinct for them. They come from the African continent, where eyeballs can be found everywhere because people die carelessly in random places." says Hamid. He admits that this is irresponsible behavior on the part of African people.
"They have created monsters."
Today, in responding to the barrage of criticisms concerning her appointment as municipal councillor along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law she announced the horrible tragedy that had befallen her.
"I cannot see." she said to the surprise of reporters.
picture- Roselinda, before the horrible tragedy.
Roselinda was attacked while at home with her father-in law, brother-in law, grandmother, maid, and Hassan, the family iguana, who are all coincidentally also Klang Municipal Councillors.
"This is an attack against the Klang Municipal Council."says Roselinda. There are no records of killer emu's having political aspirations. She says it may be her many political enemies or outraged citizens who let the killer emu's into her place of residence.
Her eyesight is damaged permanently. She may have her drivers license revoked, but this is not an issue with her as she has already hired a driver so as not to endanger other citizens. The driver will be nominated as Klang Municipal councillor in the next following year.
Referring to the unreasonable behavior of Klang residents who disagree with having all the members of her household in the Klang Municipal Council she says,“I do not see anything wrong as all of us were appointed councillors in our different capacities,” said Roselinda.
This, experts say is understandable as she has lost all capability of seeing after the vicious attack.
as reported by Edie J.
FEATURED- Mysteries of Ramadhan
KUALA LUMPUR-Latest statistics conducted by the Royal Malaysian Social Engineering Society has concluded that the Muslim population in Malaysia has become more obese and financially poorer during the fasting month. The findings have been met with some degree of confusion and widespread denial among Muslims.
56.4% of the Muslim population have gained weight by an average of 12.6% as compared to their body weight before Ramadhan. This development has left religious authorities and medical personnel baffled, as it appears that they have gained weight despite supposedly reducing their food intake during the fasting month.
"This is totally opposite to what one would expect. Normally, when a person fasts and consumes a moderate, balanced meal while breaking fast, he or she will actually lose weight and be more fit and healthy. But what we're seeing here is that they have become fatter!", says Dr. Tambhirajah Sivaseelan, head of the Dietary and Nutrition Department of Kuala Lumpur Hospital.
"It is a medical mystery."
Some however do not find it surprising. "I see the fella working at the garmen counter always sleeping only. I think they all fat because morning that time eat so much, rest of the day they sleep only". says Chen Tek Ong, 28.
His remarks are met with death threats from certain quarters, and Khairy Jamaluddin has promised to personally yell at his face with a megaphone to teach him not to insult Muslims.
Another unaccountable but unrelated phenomenon observed is that Muslims are running out of cash at a faster rate during the Ramadhan month. Some have attributed it to toyols. (Small, nasty, yet entertaining creatures.)
Prominent parapsychologist-cum-ghostbuster, Uncle Seeker, explained: "It is not impossible for toyols to be roaming free during the Ramadhan month."He says that other creatures of the night usually take time off from scaring random people as this is a holy month.
"Toyols however, do not give a damn."
UMNO Youth had an answer that they insist is more logical - the Jews are up to their nonsense again. Khairy issued a press statement today, saying "The evil international brotherhood of Jews and Zionists are taking advantage of the Ramadhan month to further oppress the Muslims by making our money vanish mysteriously".
In a poll conducted, it was found that 93.2% of Muslims admitted that they went broke faster during the Ramadhan month than they did in the earlier months. The only people immune to this are the traffic police.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
From the editor
Greetings readers,
We are happy to announce that karipanas has reached "1000" visitors in the first two weeks of its creation. It may be 20 people who have nothing to do but click on the same page 100 times a day, but we still consider it an achievement.
Thank you to all who have come, and commented. We hope that you help us in spreading the word about this newsblog, or if you do not have adequate interpersonal skills, you can kidnap random people on the street to help do it for you. We advise that you release them after that, or at least ensure that they are washed and fed daily.
Some of you have posted links to this newsblog, and we highly appreciate the gesture. It shows that there are people who care about this country.
The second issue is that I want to formally announce our policy on comments.
You can say anything you want, as we believe in freedom of speech. Quoting Voltaire "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
It also means that we can say anything we want in response. Racist, prejudiced and downright ignorant comments will not be deleted. We will just tell you that you are a scumbag bastard and that you can rot in hell, or something to that effect.
Happy reading.
the editor
"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."
FEATURED- Proton sales surge in the United Kingdom
PETALING JAYA-Proton Holdings Bhd has seen a surge in car sales in Britain as the number of cars sold from January to last month is 48% higher compared to the same period in 2005.
Proton UK general sales and marketing manager Simon Park was reported to have said that a growing dealer network, and the Savvy and ongoing advertising campaigns had resulted in the increase in sales this year.
Included below are the sales reports of major car companies in the UK market from January 2006 to September 2006.
TOYOTA- 540,119
THE VOLKSWAGEN GROUP- 1.4 million
RENAULT- 1.54 million,
HONDA- 2,563, 631
PROTON- 1,702
CONGRATULATIONS PROTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!!!!
as reported by Joe Lacks
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008
JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.
He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.
Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are
-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.
-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.
- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.
- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".
The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.
No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.
as reported by Joseph Lax
LOCAL NEWS- Superintendent was ordered to disrupt speech, not assembly.
KUALA LUMPUR- Asst Supt Anuar Jusoh, was questioned by the Suhakam panel of inquiry regarding his actions during the protest in KLCC regarding rising fuel prices.
He had allegedly flown a helicopter "dangerously close", and reports were made stating that the police had used "excessive force" to halt the gathering. The Suhakam panel is trying to determine whether human rights had been violated during the operation.
The Superintendent denied having had any intention to harm members of the assembly.
"We were given instructions to fly low to disrupt a person's speech, not the assembly."
He is part of the Special Covert Ops which specializes in dealing with "oral danger".
"The target was that evil talking mouth. Not the people around him." Criticisms have been made that a helicopter was an "inappropriate tool" to stop a man from talking. According to the ops Chief, (who shall not be named due to security reasons) they are trained to recognize and eliminate any "vocal threat".
"We have to use any means possible. In the past we have used harpoons, small rockets and elephants on performance enhancing drugs." 
picture- elephant on performance-enhancing drugs
"It is important that citizens are protected from dangerous voices." he states.
He states that dangerous voices may cause harmful diseases. When asked what form of disease, he said it could range from temporary disorders such as bleeding from every orifice of the body for several hours, to terminal illnesses. "Like cancer... of the ass."
"The medical term is... assinificititis. Or "buttdenoonade".
"We will do everything within our power to protect the people. Sometimes excessive force is necessary."
as reported by Edie J.
(All writers of karipanas have been diagnosed with assinificititis. Readers who do not want to be infected are advised to avoid physical contact as this disease may be transmitted to anyone within hearing range.)
LOCAL NEWS- Ending the debate on public equity
KUALA LUMPUR- Tun Musa Hitam stated yesterday that the public debate on equity should end.
He said that he believes that it will soon spin out of control, as he has watched seemingly innocent arguments spun into highly emotional situations. "And the emotions in racial terms need to be managed with care." he states.
Responding to his comments, both sides of the fence have agreed to stop making public statements on the matter.
Apparently they have found a new method to convey their feelings that is deemed safe to use in volatile Malaysia.
"We are going to have a dance-off."
Similar to breakdance showdowns in 80's movies, they are donning on headgear and wrist warmers to prepare for what is likely to be an entertaining event. The criticizers of the EPU (Economic Planning Unit) findings have already started rehearsing their moves.
"Even though most of us are in our 40's, we still can "trip to the beat", says one representative from this camp.
Among moves that they have "nailed" are;
-the G-Kick, a kick with the legs and the arms forming a G shape:
which will signify the question "why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?"
-the Insane Corkscrew, a spin with the direction constantly changing:
which will mean "youre not answering our questions directly!"
-the Helicopter/Coffeegrinder/Ball-and-chain - a rotation of the legs while the hands are on the floor:
this will just be for showing off purposes.
picture- why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?
When asked if he had anything to say to his opponents, the message was;
"ITS ON BIATCH!!!!!!!"
(We could not reach representatives of the other camp for comments. Rumors state that they are debating on whether it would be concurrent with government policy to "keep it real".)
as reported by Joe Lacks
Monday, October 16, 2006
LOCAL NEWS- New Proton Cars For Police Officers
Proton has announced that they have decided to contribute to the crime fighting cause - by sealing a deal with the Royal Malaysian Police for over RM80 million on 2000 new Proton cars.
The Royal Malaysian Police will be taking delivery of 1000 Waja Campros, 500 Wiras, 400 Sagas and 100 Perdana V6s. Proton is also generously donating approximately 5000 unsold Proton Juaras (reported to have been unanimously voted the world over as the Ugliest Car of All Time) to be used as mobile road barricades.
picture- awarded The Ugliest Car of All Time
At present, the police have a fleet of 1,939 patrol cars and the average response time is about 12 minutes.
"We have some 3,000 policemen under special training for the mobile police vehicle unit and they will graduate next February," Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said at the handover ceremony at the Proton Centre of Excellence in Subang Jaya.
"When there's a free stretch of road anywhere in Kuala Lumpur, it takes 12 minutes for us to deploy 200 patrol cars to set up road blocks and create massive traffic jams. With the additional 2000 cars, we aim to streamline our system so that it takes us only 4 minutes to get the entire stretch of Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan Kuching to come to a standstill." he says proudly.
The fleet of new Proton Juaras, for which the 'special training' is intended, it will replace the task of everything from crash barricades to traffic cones.
picture- proton juara to replace traffic cones forever.
"The officers are given special training in order for them to be fearless. If there is a robbery, we will use a Juara fleet to stop the car. If we need to set up a road block and issue summons under 'reasonable suspicion', we can double-park an entire row of Juaras to narrow down the three-lane highway to one lane. "
"It's more effective and safer than setting up traffic cones".
UMNO Youth, however, is not as enthusiastic about this move. "With the new cars cops will run Mat Rempits off the roads for sure!"
"We have observed that on a typical week, a single police car runs over an average of 5 Mat Rempits. Having a total of almost 4000 patrol cars would mean having 20,000 less Mat Rempits every week. This will severely reduce the number of votes that we'll be getting by the 2008 General Elections!".
Tan Sri Musa Hassan, however, was quick to reassure the UMNO Youth movement: "You might get lesser votes from Mat Rempits, but don't forget that we still have postal votes. Rileks, brader."
(We were not able to reach Proton to respond to comments that this move was made to make up for poor earnings this year. We also do not know their telephone number.)
as reported by Jae M.
From the editor...
Greetings readers. Here are a few answers to questions that you have sent us.
a) Who are the members of the Karipanas Crew?
Please refer to my Welcome Post. And yes, Im serious.
b) Arent you guys afraid of getting in trouble?
No.
c) Who are these crab creatures?
They are crabs, but bigger. And with an evil agenda.
d) Are you a boy or a girl?
The important thing is I am not a crab.
As you can see, we work hard to please you readers.
The first announcement is that there will be an international news column, even though we say we specialize in local news (as stated in our side bar) we lie all the time.
Secondly, we have set up a poll at the side bar, and we hope you participate and vote. Multiple voting is allowed, because we also cater for readers with multiple personalities.
Recently there has been a lot going on in the news about "rempit raids". I personally detest these sub-humans, and for the first time in my life I agree with the government and the police. Since they are now on the "hate-list" I presume killing them will not result in any legal consequences.
Anyone who brings me the head of a "mat rempit" will be rewarded handsomely. Maybe a writer to use as a pet, or slave. Or table. Your choice. Limbs are also acceptable. When else can you release the psycho-killer inside you? Happy reading.
the editor
"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."
LOCAL NEWS- New Ways For Police To Fight Crime
GEORGE TOWN- Local curry producers have been mobilized to help the police fight crime.
Drug mules use an ingenious stealth technique to bring their goods across the border.
"We shove it in our ass."
Says one drug mule candidly.
Luckily however the local police are using a "local" technique to uncover the crime. One Zambian was forced to eat spiced curry, bananas, and other equally starchy foodstuffs until he naturally relieved himself and along with other disgusting paraphernalia 37 tubes of heroin was found.
Local curry producers are told to create "fiery concoctions of doom" to help the police in their efforts. One Kariappan, a chef in a local restaurant, said that he had never put so much chili in his dishes before. "No human can take that much spice without exploding in their pants." he says.
The police have had a track record for coming up with innovative methods to fight crime. Business areas around police stations are used to "unique" requests from these commanders of justice.
" If the police ask you for anything, you just give it to them." says Chin Teck Onn, an owner of a dog pound here in George Town. "Even if it is for a dog "who is probably in league with Satan."
picture- dog who is probably in league with Satan.
Chin says that he is not surprised with the way the police work anymore. "I am used to it. I have been here for 30 years, and I dont look amazed anymore when they buy pliers, scorpions and sharpened ice picks."
"But the screams. I just cannot stand the screams."
As reported by Edie J.
FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister
Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea
The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.
The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.
Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.
picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.
- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?
- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.
Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.
- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?
- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.
- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?
- Because we are the government.
-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?
- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.
-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.
- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.
- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?
-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.
- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?
- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.
-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?
- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.
-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?
-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.
-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.
- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.
- Back then?
- After our independence from white men.
- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-
- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.
- They arent registered as real citizens?
- Yes they are.
-But you just said that they arent real citizens?
-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.
-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?
- Exactly.
- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?
-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.
-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?
-We also allow equal treatment there too.
-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.
- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.
- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.
- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.
-Why the Mojo-mojos?
-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.
-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?
- That is too long ago.
-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.
-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.
-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?
-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.
-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?
- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."
-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- source- CNN (Censored News Network)
FRONTPAGE- The government is transparent on Equity
KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Deputy Prime Minister stated that the government would release its methodology of estimating the current equity ownership of Bumiputeras.
“The statistics are not modified for the interest of any community. If it is necessary and there are doubts, we will release the data,” he said.
We have received, via a government informant (who shall remain anonymous) certain documents pertaining to the data.
Alas, the crab creatures strike again.
as reported by Joe Lax
Sunday, October 15, 2006
RAMBLINGS-Increase in price of Rubber
Those of you who follow the commodities market (so easily misinterpreted as the commode market) will be aware that the price of Rubber is at a record high. At Rm 8 a kg there is a noticeable Urban-Rural migration pattern as people rush back to the plantations to tap rubber.
This of course will have a ripple effect as more openings in the “pay them as little as possible and who cares if they starve” category of jobs in the big cities.
In addition, all the people who “balik kampung” to work will be eating up the fresh fruits and veggies and thus limiting the amount that can be sent to towns, thereby increasing the price of fibre, which will lead to an increase in the cost of living etc etc.
However, the big question that is ranging through the perverted minds of accountants and economic experts is… how will this affect the price of condoms?
After all, if the price goes up, youngsters might not buy ‘em, this might lead to unprotected sex which may lead to a population explosion which might cause soaring prices of everything else…
So… what price rubber? (You’ll only get that joke if you go for OLD style humour)
Irrelevant Quote
Life ISN'T like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorow.
From the editor
Hello dear readers,
Today is slow news day, and we have only managed to churn out two posts. A lack of relevant local news on Sunday is one reason (we do not like repeating material unless there is a significant development, e.g. no more AP stories unless a swamp creature eats Dr Muhammad Abdul Ghani. Or he eats his son. Or something to that effect.).
Another reason is that the writers are lazy bastards.
We encourage submissions to this blog, as a means to create discourse with our readers. It can be snap-shots, taken with your handy camera phones, or articles that you found funny/interesting/disturbing.
Another announcement is that as per request of one of the readers, we will accept suggestions on issues that you, the reader, think is worth investigating. Our in-house spies (who are also professional trapeze artists) will look into the matter for you.
And please survey the contents on our sidebar which has been painstakingly put together by one of the members of our crew, who is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome now due to his hard work on our blog. This is due to monkeys who keep on messing up the html.
To new readers, please read the rules in my welcome post. Profanity is allowed, we consider it a beautiful way of expressing yourself.
Happy reading, and we hope the news was good for you.
the editor.
LOCAL NEWS- We support Fauzi, says religious leader.
KUALA LUMPUR- Takaful Malaysia's Syariah Department head Fauzi Mustaffar sent an e-mail to his staff earlier this month prohibiting them from extending greetings in conjunction with festivals such as Deepavali, Durga Pooja and Laksmi Pooja.
Since then he has been criticized publicly by numerous religious figures and public officials. Some have even called for his resignation.
However in this mass wave of protest, there are those who support his stance. A representative of the faith "Temple of Correct Dining-ware" or better known as "The Use the Right Dinner Fork You Heathen Bastards Religious Order" stated today that Fauzi's views are admirable.
picture- symbol of the "Temple of Correct Dining-ware"
"We preach the same thing in our faith. Our followers are forbidden from wishing holiday greetings to people of other less believable religions." He says that it signifies tolerance of their "false gods".
The religion also explicitly forbids the buying of holiday greeting cards. "Wishing a person joy and happiness while he celebrates his religion, means that you recognize that his demonic practice can bring joy and happiness. Therefore it means that you believe in that false god."
He says that even if that is not the intention, it would be an act supporting the deliverance of the misguided heathen to hell. "Which would be just as bad."he says sternly.
Among greetings that are forbidden are "Merry Christmas", "Selamat Hari Raya" (Happy Hari Raya) and "Selamat Hari Buruh" (Happy Labor Day). "Some of the more orthodox among us do not even wish infidels "good morning" as this would mean that they believe anything good could come out of their ridiculous religion."
"But I do not go so far as that. We still want to get along with everyone. We dont want to them to think we dont like them or anything like that." he says.
For more information on this religion, readers may consult the back of the boxes of cutlery and silverware under the headline "instructions".
Saturday, October 14, 2006
LOCAL NEWS- IIlegals must go home
KUALA LUMPUR- Home Affairs Minister Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has announced that illegal immigrants should return to their respective countries during the Hari Raya and Deepavali celebrations, before the authorities launch a nationwide crackdown.
This however should not be misconstrued as a grant of amnesty. "If they get caught leaving the country, its tough luck." he states.
Despite legal restrictions facing them either way several illegal immigrants have found a way out of this conundrum.
"We are going to pretend to be electric appliances." says one Bunga Hariyanto from Indonesia.
The illegal "aliens" in Klang Valley have decided to mail themselves home, as it seems to them that this is the only viable option.
picture- the new way to travel
"If we stay, we get arrested. If we leave, we also get arrested. This is the only way we can get back without being caught."
They are currently scouring the city for large boxes and smaller ones for their children. "An LG refrigerator box can fit all three of us" says Heri Adikesuma, pointing to his petite wife, and 3- year-old child. "It is a tight fit, but we all can wrap our legs behind our necks, like scarves."
picture- the position the family will be in when mailed home
Their baby, 7-month-year old Krista, will be sent back posing as a blender.
as reported by Joseph Lax
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