LOCAL NEWS- Kerepek says, give us a chance

picture- sad kerepek


KUALA LUMPUR- The Prime Minister's appeal to the people to "give local products a chance" has been received with eager applause by local manufacturers and entrepreneurs.

And not less so, by the products themselves.

In an appeal to gather sympathy for local products alike, one "Kerepek Pisang" has stepped forward to champion the cause of fried local delicacies.

"Malaysians have changed in the past few years, they have gradually turned away from consuming my peers. They are lured by the colorful packaging of international brands, Twisties, Pringles and that dastardly enticing Mr. Potato."




picture- kerepek gone bad

He states that everyday bundles of "Kerepek Pisang" lay to waste in storage, till they reach their due dates and are discarded.


"Without any purpose to fulfill, "kerepek" rejected by society have to turn to a life of crime."

He states that the local crime rate has risen due to this very factor. "Think of this, every time you choose Mr. Potato over us, one "kerepek" is forced to steal, rob or even become prostitutes in order to survive."


His admission explains why a large number of crimes have yet to be solved here. "Who would suspect a "kerepek"?

In his final statement he asks Malaysians to "have a heart" and consume "kerepek pisang" everywhere. "At first I thought that a life of crime would be exciting, instead of the normal life of an average "kerepek". Now the cheap thrills and money mean nothing to me. I want to be eaten."

He is currently working as a bouncer for a prominent club in Jalan Telawi. "Its too late for me now. I am a kerepek that has already "masuk angin". I am nothing but a thug."

LOCAL NEWS- Cloning, Malaysia is the new frontier.

picture- failed clone experiments released to the wild after mass labs closing down

09-October-2006

KUALA LUMPUR-The announcement of cloned APs in Malaysia has confounded scientists everywhere.

"This is a breakthrough we would never have expected from such a small country." says Dr Iago, Head of Research in GratuisCorp a multinational corporation specializing in genome studies."I cant even find the country on the bloody map. When I did, I realized it was covered by a coffee stain, which inhibited me from locating it."

A member of the Senate who has been identified as the pioneer of this breakthrough in science, refuses to take credit for it and attributes the success to his son. This has been assumed to be a classic display of Asian modesty.

Scientists from around the world have continued to send in messages of congratulations mixed with statements of utter bewilderment.

"Cloning is still in its infant stages, no one attempt has been completely successful." says Dr Radhika, who heads a research facility in Holland. "Dolly was a mess, and the facade in South Korea was just shameful. Billions of dollars have been spent in these failed experiments, and its just amazing that a country with a GDP of my annual salary to have done this."

Some scientists have even responded by committing "harakiri" or simply hanging themselves in shame.

"Its just indecent of you people." says one scientist (who refuses to be identified) tearfully. "Its embarassing for people in our field, to have someone without a proper educational background to achieve what you have achieved."

"Youre a third world country. Shouldnt you be concentrating on feeding hungry people or something? Where is all the money coming from?"

In a fit of contempt numerous research labs have simply halted their experiments and refuse to continue until their demands have been met.

"Politicians should stick to their jobs, and let us do ours. There are so many of you people with ribs sticking out he shouldnt be gallivanting around making scientific breakthroughs. I see you people on Discovery channel. Youre a mess." says Dr Hallenschaeur, a prominent scientist for Delante Inc, a genome research facility.

He stated that "brown" people were in the same plight everywhere, "Africa or whatever your country is called, its the same thing."

The United States State Department has issued a statement of congratulations stating that "Its okay, as long as you guys arent making bombs. Clone all you want."

reported by Jade L.

FEATURED: Happy Invaders

09 October 2006



KUALA LUMPUR- The aliens are coming and they are happy.

"We are pleased with the Malaysian governments efforts to maintain the purity of the Malay language." says Bob the alien spokesperson. "The fact of the matter is that it has been a hard deal for us in deciding where to invade, but a nation of squishies (the term which the aliens use to refer to human beings) that maintain their old form of communication really appeals to us."


The reason being, as stated by Bob, that it would make communication between invader and invadee easier. The aliens had given up studying human languages because of the constant mutations in them initiated by people all over the world.

(examples given were "lol", "fa-shizzle ma nizzle", and "biatch"; "the english language is barely recognizable from its true form" he states )

But the Malaysian governments actions have bought them a ray of hope.


"If they are starting to clamp down on business posters, and freaking toll cards, soon it will be television shows, drama, any form of expression that abuses the language, and soon people will forget that they had that freedom." this, he believes is the ideal situation.


"We can just refer to our old texts and communicate with them with the language already in our databanks, instead of spending time on more research."


"We need to understand the people we are about to massacre, because we might need important information, like where is the nearest public toilet, what good movies are on right now, where to get the best deals for hardware."


When asked why aliens need to invade and attack humans, he said simply "to eat them".


by Lacks Joe





the alien; as reproduced by our sketch artist

Taiko says: Send them to jail

08 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently local politicians announced that NS dodgers (the multitude of youths who refuse to attend compulsory national service after school) would be punished by jail terms or hefty fines.

"As the law stands, those who fail to attend National Service without valid reason can be sentenced to a fine of up to RM3,000 or six months jail, or both," NS Training Council chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye.


In an unprecedented move of unity, the local mafia, petty crooks and scores of unaffiliated gangsters have issued a press statement agreeing and supporting the goverments decision.


One "taiko" commented (we cannot publish his name due to anonymity contracts signed before hand.) that teaching new recruits was getting tougher these days because "the experienced ones are in prison".


The level of sophistication and professionalism in crime has "taken a downturn" these days, says one crime boss. "The new recruits, especially the ones in school are all messy. They watch television and they think they can already break into a car and steal the cd-player."


"Now, they can meet the professionals and learn."


Various efforts have been made by these lords of the underworld to ensure proper training but police crackdowns have taken their very best teachers from them. "One of my people (name not stated) already had a textbook going, it had diagrams and everything, but then he went and got caught."
laments one lord of the underworld.


Petty criminal "Jo" (last name not stated) said that it would be easier for him to teach his child about the profession.


"I was never that good, but now I can give him the very best." In a fit of emotion he stated his hopes that his child would be better at it than "he ever was".


Asking whether he would feel compassion for his child enduring a jail-term and subsequently pay for the fine, he answered in a fit of laughter. "Even if I did, I wouldnt have the money to pay for it. Thats what they (the crime-bosses) can do for their kids. Rich criminals will have to bail their kids out. My kid will have to do time, and for once being poor is the advantage. He will have to serve time."

reported by Edie J.


picture: what the criminals would look like if they were cowboys.