From the editor

Greetings readers,


We are happy to announce that karipanas has reached "1000" visitors in the first two weeks of its creation. It may be 20 people who have nothing to do but click on the same page 100 times a day, but we still consider it an achievement.



Thank you to all who have come, and commented. We hope that you help us in spreading the word about this newsblog, or if you do not have adequate interpersonal skills, you can kidnap random people on the street to help do it for you. We advise that you release them after that, or at least ensure that they are washed and fed daily.


Some of you have posted links to this newsblog, and we highly appreciate the gesture. It shows that there are people who care about this country.





The second issue is that I want to formally announce our policy on comments.

You can say anything you want, as we believe in freedom of speech. Quoting Voltaire "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."


It also means that we can say anything we want in response. Racist, prejudiced and downright ignorant comments will not be deleted. We will just tell you that you are a scumbag bastard and that you can rot in hell, or something to that effect.


Happy reading.


the editor


"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FEATURED- Proton sales surge in the United Kingdom

PETALING JAYA-Proton Holdings Bhd has seen a surge in car sales in Britain as the number of cars sold from January to last month is 48% higher compared to the same period in 2005.


Proton UK general sales and marketing manager Simon Park was reported to have said that a growing dealer network, and the Savvy and ongoing advertising campaigns had resulted in the increase in sales this year.

Included below are the sales reports of major car companies in the UK market from January 2006 to September 2006.


TOYOTA- 540,119

THE VOLKSWAGEN GROUP- 1.4 million

RENAULT- 1.54 million,

HONDA- 2,563, 631

PROTON- 1,702


CONGRATULATIONS PROTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!!!!

as reported by Joe Lacks

FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008

JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.


He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.





Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are

-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.



-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.



- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.



- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".




The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.

No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.


as reported by Joseph Lax

LOCAL NEWS- Superintendent was ordered to disrupt speech, not assembly.

KUALA LUMPUR- Asst Supt Anuar Jusoh, was questioned by the Suhakam panel of inquiry regarding his actions during the protest in KLCC regarding rising fuel prices.


He had allegedly flown a helicopter "dangerously close", and reports were made stating that the police had used "excessive force" to halt the gathering. The Suhakam panel is trying to determine whether human rights had been violated during the operation.



The Superintendent denied having had any intention to harm members of the assembly.

"We were given instructions to fly low to disrupt a person's speech, not the assembly."



He is part of the Special Covert Ops which specializes in dealing with "oral danger".

"The target was that evil talking mouth. Not the people around him." Criticisms have been made that a helicopter was an "inappropriate tool" to stop a man from talking. According to the ops Chief, (who shall not be named due to security reasons) they are trained to recognize and eliminate any "vocal threat".



"We have to use any means possible. In the past we have used harpoons, small rockets and elephants on performance enhancing drugs."


picture- elephant on performance-enhancing drugs


"It is important that citizens are protected from dangerous voices." he states.


He states that dangerous voices may cause harmful diseases. When asked what form of disease, he said it could range from temporary disorders such as bleeding from every orifice of the body for several hours, to terminal illnesses. "Like cancer... of the ass."

"The medical term is... assinificititis. Or "buttdenoonade".


"We will do everything within our power to protect the people. Sometimes excessive force is necessary."


as reported by Edie J.


(All writers of karipanas have been diagnosed with assinificititis. Readers who do not want to be infected are advised to avoid physical contact as this disease may be transmitted to anyone within hearing range.)

LOCAL NEWS- Ending the debate on public equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Tun Musa Hitam stated yesterday that the public debate on equity should end.


He said that he believes that it will soon spin out of control, as he has watched seemingly innocent arguments spun into highly emotional situations. "And the emotions in racial terms need to be managed with care." he states.



Responding to his comments, both sides of the fence have agreed to stop making public statements on the matter.


Apparently they have found a new method to convey their feelings that is deemed safe to use in volatile Malaysia.


"We are going to have a dance-off."



Similar to breakdance showdowns in 80's movies, they are donning on headgear and wrist warmers to prepare for what is likely to be an entertaining event. The criticizers of the EPU (Economic Planning Unit) findings have already started rehearsing their moves.


"Even though most of us are in our 40's, we still can "trip to the beat", says one representative from this camp.




Among moves that they have "nailed" are;

-the G-Kick, a kick with the legs and the arms forming a G shape:
which will signify the question "why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?"


-the Insane Corkscrew, a spin with the direction constantly changing:
which will mean "youre not answering our questions directly!"


-the Helicopter/Coffeegrinder/Ball-and-chain - a rotation of the legs while the hands are on the floor:

this will just be for showing off purposes.



picture- why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?


When asked if he had anything to say to his opponents, the message was;

"ITS ON BIATCH!!!!!!!"


(We could not reach representatives of the other camp for comments. Rumors state that they are debating on whether it would be concurrent with government policy to "keep it real".)


as reported by Joe Lacks

LOCAL NEWS- New Proton Cars For Police Officers

Proton has announced that they have decided to contribute to the crime fighting cause - by sealing a deal with the Royal Malaysian Police for over RM80 million on 2000 new Proton cars.


The Royal Malaysian Police will be taking delivery of 1000 Waja Campros, 500 Wiras, 400 Sagas and 100 Perdana V6s. Proton is also generously donating approximately 5000 unsold Proton Juaras (reported to have been unanimously voted the world over as the Ugliest Car of All Time) to be used as mobile road barricades.



picture- awarded The Ugliest Car of All Time


At present, the police have a fleet of 1,939 patrol cars and the average response time is about 12 minutes.


"We have some 3,000 policemen under special training for the mobile police vehicle unit and they will graduate next February," Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said at the handover ceremony at the Proton Centre of Excellence in Subang Jaya.



"When there's a free stretch of road anywhere in Kuala Lumpur, it takes 12 minutes for us to deploy 200 patrol cars to set up road blocks and create massive traffic jams. With the additional 2000 cars, we aim to streamline our system so that it takes us only 4 minutes to get the entire stretch of Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan Kuching to come to a standstill." he says proudly.




The fleet of new Proton Juaras, for which the 'special training' is intended, it will replace the task of everything from crash barricades to traffic cones.



picture- proton juara to replace traffic cones forever.

"The officers are given special training in order for them to be fearless. If there is a robbery, we will use a Juara fleet to stop the car. If we need to set up a road block and issue summons under 'reasonable suspicion', we can double-park an entire row of Juaras to narrow down the three-lane highway to one lane. "

"It's more effective and safer than setting up traffic cones".



UMNO Youth, however, is not as enthusiastic about this move. "With the new cars cops will run Mat Rempits off the roads for sure!"


"We have observed that on a typical week, a single police car runs over an average of 5 Mat Rempits. Having a total of almost 4000 patrol cars would mean having 20,000 less Mat Rempits every week. This will severely reduce the number of votes that we'll be getting by the 2008 General Elections!".



Tan Sri Musa Hassan, however, was quick to reassure the UMNO Youth movement: "You might get lesser votes from Mat Rempits, but don't forget that we still have postal votes. Rileks, brader."


(We were not able to reach Proton to respond to comments that this move was made to make up for poor earnings this year. We also do not know their telephone number.)


as reported by Jae M.

From the editor...

Greetings readers. Here are a few answers to questions that you have sent us.


a) Who are the members of the Karipanas Crew?

Please refer to my Welcome Post. And yes, Im serious.


b) Arent you guys afraid of getting in trouble?

No.


c) Who are these crab creatures?

They are crabs, but bigger. And with an evil agenda.


d) Are you a boy or a girl?

The important thing is I am not a crab.


As you can see, we work hard to please you readers.

The first announcement is that there will be an international news column, even though we say we specialize in local news (as stated in our side bar) we lie all the time.


Secondly, we have set up a poll at the side bar, and we hope you participate and vote. Multiple voting is allowed, because we also cater for readers with multiple personalities.



Recently there has been a lot going on in the news about "rempit raids". I personally detest these sub-humans, and for the first time in my life I agree with the government and the police. Since they are now on the "hate-list" I presume killing them will not result in any legal consequences.



Anyone who brings me the head of a "mat rempit" will be rewarded handsomely. Maybe a writer to use as a pet, or slave. Or table. Your choice. Limbs are also acceptable. When else can you release the psycho-killer inside you? Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

LOCAL NEWS- New Ways For Police To Fight Crime

GEORGE TOWN- Local curry producers have been mobilized to help the police fight crime.


Drug mules use an ingenious stealth technique to bring their goods across the border.


"We shove it in our ass."

Says one drug mule candidly.

Luckily however the local police are using a "local" technique to uncover the crime. One Zambian was forced to eat spiced curry, bananas, and other equally starchy foodstuffs until he naturally relieved himself and along with other disgusting paraphernalia 37 tubes of heroin was found.




Local curry producers are told to create "fiery concoctions of doom" to help the police in their efforts. One Kariappan, a chef in a local restaurant, said that he had never put so much chili in his dishes before. "No human can take that much spice without exploding in their pants." he says.




The police have had a track record for coming up with innovative methods to fight crime. Business areas around police stations are used to "unique" requests from these commanders of justice.



" If the police ask you for anything, you just give it to them." says Chin Teck Onn, an owner of a dog pound here in George Town. "Even if it is for a dog "who is probably in league with Satan."



picture- dog who is probably in league with Satan.



Chin says that he is not surprised with the way the police work anymore. "I am used to it. I have been here for 30 years, and I dont look amazed anymore when they buy pliers, scorpions and sharpened ice picks."


"But the screams. I just cannot stand the screams."

As reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister

Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea


The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.


The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.

Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.




picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.



- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?


- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.

Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.




- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?


- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.



- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?


- Because we are the government.



-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?

- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.




-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.

- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.



- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?

-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.



- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?


- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.



-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?

- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.



-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?

-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.



-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.

- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.




- Back then?

- After our independence from white men.




- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-

- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.



- They arent registered as real citizens?

- Yes they are.



-But you just said that they arent real citizens?

-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.



-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?

- Exactly.



- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?

-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.


-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?

-We also allow equal treatment there too.



-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.

- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.



- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.

- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.



-Why the Mojo-mojos?

-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.



-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?

- That is too long ago.



-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.

-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.


-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?

-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.



-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?

- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."


-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


- source- CNN (Censored News Network)

FRONTPAGE- The government is transparent on Equity

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Deputy Prime Minister stated that the government would release its methodology of estimating the current equity ownership of Bumiputeras.


“The statistics are not modified for the interest of any community. If it is necessary and there are doubts, we will release the data,” he said.


We have received, via a government informant (who shall remain anonymous) certain documents pertaining to the data.







Alas, the crab creatures strike again.


as reported by Joe Lax

RAMBLINGS-Increase in price of Rubber

Those of you who follow the commodities market (so easily misinterpreted as the commode market) will be aware that the price of Rubber is at a record high. At Rm 8 a kg there is a noticeable Urban-Rural migration pattern as people rush back to the plantations to tap rubber.

This of course will have a ripple effect as more openings in the “pay them as little as possible and who cares if they starve” category of jobs in the big cities.

In addition, all the people who “balik kampung” to work will be eating up the fresh fruits and veggies and thus limiting the amount that can be sent to towns, thereby increasing the price of fibre, which will lead to an increase in the cost of living etc etc.

However, the big question that is ranging through the perverted minds of accountants and economic experts is… how will this affect the price of condoms?

After all, if the price goes up, youngsters might not buy ‘em, this might lead to unprotected sex which may lead to a population explosion which might cause soaring prices of everything else…

So… what price rubber? (You’ll only get that joke if you go for OLD style humour)

The choice to use latex depends on ones moralistic and religious beliefs. The Karipanas Crew does not have an official position on the use of condoms.

as reported by The Rambler

Irrelevant Quote

Life ISN'T like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorow.

From the editor

Hello dear readers,


Today is slow news day, and we have only managed to churn out two posts. A lack of relevant local news on Sunday is one reason (we do not like repeating material unless there is a significant development, e.g. no more AP stories unless a swamp creature eats Dr Muhammad Abdul Ghani. Or he eats his son. Or something to that effect.).


Another reason is that the writers are lazy bastards.

We encourage submissions to this blog, as a means to create discourse with our readers. It can be snap-shots, taken with your handy camera phones, or articles that you found funny/interesting/disturbing.



Another announcement is that as per request of one of the readers, we will accept suggestions on issues that you, the reader, think is worth investigating. Our in-house spies (who are also professional trapeze artists) will look into the matter for you.


And please survey the contents on our sidebar which has been painstakingly put together by one of the members of our crew, who is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome now due to his hard work on our blog. This is due to monkeys who keep on messing up the html.



To new readers, please read the rules in my welcome post. Profanity is allowed, we consider it a beautiful way of expressing yourself.


Happy reading, and we hope the news was good for you.


the editor.

LOCAL NEWS- We support Fauzi, says religious leader.

KUALA LUMPUR- Takaful Malaysia's Syariah Department head Fauzi Mustaffar sent an e-mail to his staff earlier this month prohibiting them from extending greetings in conjunction with festivals such as Deepavali, Durga Pooja and Laksmi Pooja.


Since then he has been criticized publicly by numerous religious figures and public officials. Some have even called for his resignation.



However in this mass wave of protest, there are those who support his stance. A representative of the faith "Temple of Correct Dining-ware" or better known as "The Use the Right Dinner Fork You Heathen Bastards Religious Order" stated today that Fauzi's views are admirable.



picture- symbol of the "Temple of Correct Dining-ware"


"We preach the same thing in our faith. Our followers are forbidden from wishing holiday greetings to people of other less believable religions." He says that it signifies tolerance of their "false gods".




The religion also explicitly forbids the buying of holiday greeting cards. "Wishing a person joy and happiness while he celebrates his religion, means that you recognize that his demonic practice can bring joy and happiness. Therefore it means that you believe in that false god."

He says that even if that is not the intention, it would be an act supporting the deliverance of the misguided heathen to hell. "Which would be just as bad."he says sternly.




Among greetings that are forbidden are "Merry Christmas", "Selamat Hari Raya" (Happy Hari Raya) and "Selamat Hari Buruh" (Happy Labor Day). "Some of the more orthodox among us do not even wish infidels "good morning" as this would mean that they believe anything good could come out of their ridiculous religion."



"But I do not go so far as that. We still want to get along with everyone. We dont want to them to think we dont like them or anything like that." he says.


For more information on this religion, readers may consult the back of the boxes of cutlery and silverware under the headline "instructions".

LOCAL NEWS- IIlegals must go home

KUALA LUMPUR- Home Affairs Minister Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has announced that illegal immigrants should return to their respective countries during the Hari Raya and Deepavali celebrations, before the authorities launch a nationwide crackdown.

This however should not be misconstrued as a grant of amnesty. "If they get caught leaving the country, its tough luck." he states.



Despite legal restrictions facing them either way several illegal immigrants have found a way out of this conundrum.


"We are going to pretend to be electric appliances." says one Bunga Hariyanto from Indonesia.



The illegal "aliens" in Klang Valley have decided to mail themselves home, as it seems to them that this is the only viable option.


picture- the new way to travel



"If we stay, we get arrested. If we leave, we also get arrested. This is the only way we can get back without being caught."


They are currently scouring the city for large boxes and smaller ones for their children. "An LG refrigerator box can fit all three of us" says Heri Adikesuma, pointing to his petite wife, and 3- year-old child. "It is a tight fit, but we all can wrap our legs behind our necks, like scarves."



picture- the position the family will be in when mailed home


Their baby, 7-month-year old Krista, will be sent back posing as a blender.


as reported by Joseph Lax

Welcome message from the editor

Welcome, readers of karipanas.

I would like to thank all of the visitors to this website for taking time out of your busy schedules to come here. Our reporters work hard and they are not paid for their blood, sweat and tears. This is because it is enough for them to know that they are getting important information across to Malaysians everywhere.

(They are also mostly refugees from war-stricken countries who are locked up under my basement. One, is a talking monkey.)




Everyone is welcome to comment on our articles, and make suggestions about how to make this newsblog better. We are always looking to improve. If the comments are offensive, to race or religion, we will send ninjas to hunt you down and kill you.



There is a chatbox cleverly embedded at our sidebar, and we hope that you announce your visit in that manner.


Even if our blog tracker tells us that "x" amount of people have visited this site, we need to know whether it was a human being or those damn crab creatures surfing the net for crab porn. (DAMN YOU CRAB PERVERTS! DAMN YOU!)


Thats all for now, and I hope that you continue to read karipanas, if only for your own mental health. We only give you news that is good for you.


the editor

LOCAL NEWS- Klang Municipal Council, Family First

KUALA LUMPUR- It was announced today that Datuk Zakaria Md Deros, his son Zainuri and daughter-in-law Roselinda Abdul Jamil have been appointed councillors in the Klang Municipal Council.


These appointments have been greeted with approval by the Malaysian public. "It is in line with our policy of "family first", says one happy Klang resident, Chan Yee Ling.


"Obviously with all the family in one place, it will make sure that they will always have time to spend with one another." says her husband Martin Liew.




The Klang Municipal council has implemented this policy in the past; Selangor state assembly speaker Tan Sri Onn Ismail had his daughter, Senator Datin Paduka Nor Hayati, her husband Suffian and son-in-law Faizal Abdullah as fellow councillors.


Klang residents hope that the practice will be taken a step further.




Not only are they lobbying that their children should be appointed as councillors, they are also nominating Roselinda Abdul Jamil's Indonesian maid, Suriyanti, and Hassan, the family's pet iguana.


picture- iguana, future member of Klang Municipal Council



This would be the first nomination of an animal to a political post, and it is considered to be a great victory for the animal community because they have been largely under-represented.

Though there have been reports of the nominations of monkeys to political positions in Malaysia, this cannot be corroborated with hard evidence.


as reported by Jade L.

FRONTPAGE- Illegitimate use of jedi powers

picture- have malaysian jedi's turned to the "dark side"?


KUALA LUMPUR- The local Jedi Council here in Malaysia have issued a public statement warning users of Jedi powers without proper authorization that they will be punished by "the force".



"It is utterly unforgivable for a Jedi to use Jedi mind tricks for political gain," says Muthu Balavijendran, leader of the Jedi Council of Malaysia.



This announcement was made in response to reports of political authorities being able to "change" the minds of prominent think tanks "without any pressure". Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak said that Asli president Mirzan Mahathir had retracted their findings on Bumiputera equity ownership "voluntarily".


The leader of the Jedi Council had felt an imbalance "in the force" during Mizan's public apology.




picture-unrelated to post. jedi squirrels.



"It is clear that Jedi powers were used." he says. "Obviously there had been no pressure on that poor man, he was powerless against that Jedi mind trick where you sort of wave the hand and then you agree with everything the Jedi says. Like that part in Star Wars where Obi Wan wants to get a flying space thing, and the owner sort of like just gives it to him."

He states that he was referring to the new Star Wars trilogy and "not the old one with Harrison Ford".




When asked what action will be taken against rogue Jedi's the president said that this was a decision that the council had to make with due caution. Apparently without proper care, disobedient Jedi's may turn "to the dark side".


"We are worried that these Jedi's might already have."



Reports of the misuse of Jedi powers may be forwarded to the Jedi Council Headquarters which is located in a playground at SK Wangsamaju.

"If its recess time, they can find us at the canteen." says the Jedi Master.

FEATURED- World Mental Health Day- Dont kill yourself.

Today is World Mental Health Day.



In conjunction with this date, governments and NGO's worldwide promote awareness on issues such as suicide and chronic depression.


Malaysians generally do not want to discuss issues such as these. It is a matter that is unpopular in public discourse, and the attitude towards it is generally apathetic.



This reluctance prevails despite an escalating number of suicides from year to year; in fact suicide is the second leading cause of death after cardiovascular diseases. 'We seem to be in a national denial,' says Professor Hussain Habil, the president of the Malaysian Psychiatric Association.


13 out of 100,000 people in Malaysia commit suicide on a yearly basis.

Our in-house psychiatrist, (who is also a magic performer for birthday parties) has suggested a few ways for self-treatment should an individual wish to end his/her life.



1. If you want to kill yourself because you think that you have a bad life- review pictures of people in Africa. They will always make you feel privileged and that you should feel thankful that your life is not one tormented by genocide, starvation or random adoptions by famous people.

Alternatively, review pictures of people in Singapore. You will always feel good about yourself.




2. If you want to kill yourself because your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife left you, write down ten things you have always hated about him/her.

Everyone has character flaws and physical defects, so rejoice because now you can look for someone better than the ugly cow/beast-thing/swamp-monster that left you.


Did your ex have some embarrassing secrets/herpes? Get it off your chest, tell your best gossip mongering untrustworthy with secrets loud-mouthed friend.



3. If you want to kill yourself because your business is failing, or other monetary catastrophies keep in mind that most major successes today failed a million times; some were even homeless.
(read about Damien Rice and Jewel)

They managed to get where they are today because they continued to live and fight on another day.

Since this was quite serious heres a picture of a ridiculous man to offset the effects.


picture- ridiculous man


4. If you want to kill yourself because you are in a cult that tells you to do so, join another cult. We recommend the cult "mismatched cheese warriors".


It preaches terrorizing the lives of people who use camembert cheese in a reckless manner (e.g. eating it with whole wheat bread instead of croissants) . Its a more fulfilling and delicious way of life.





5. If you want to kill yourself because you feel lonely and you dont have any real friends, hey, we dont either! Friends are a drag, they always need you to do stuff for them and things like that. We highly recommend a friend-less lifestyle.

Alternatively, you can ditch the people who dont care about you, and go out and meet new people. According to statistics, there are a gazillion living breathing humans out there who are also into this unhealthy needing friends lifestyle.




6. If you want to kill yourself because you are a political leader who swindled the money of his people, cheated in elections, and sent innocent people who have spoken out against you in jail, GO FOR IT!


Happy World Mental Health Day.

LOCAL NEWS- Breakthrough with English problem

picture-previous teaching material



KUALA LUMPUR- A local corporation has discovered a way to help with the lack of English language proficiency among students here in Malaysia.


The company will be sponsoring 60 copies of the a local newspaper daily to various schools. According to experts this "hits the nail on the head" in solving the problem.


"Its ingenious", says one Dr Alberta of the Research Institute of Misunderstood Languages (RILM). "We thought the problem was with the teaching methods, but now we finally see the light!"


In past years students have not had access to proper reading material. "We usually give them the backs of cereal boxes to read." says one teacher in Johor Bahru. "Or we make them decipher ancient Aryan texts."

"We thought that reading in English was not that important to learn the language itself."




picture- backs of cereal boxes only thing students read

Since the corporation will only be sponsoring 60 copies per school, not all students will have access to the precious goods.

However the teachers have been innovative in making sure that all students will benefit from this measure.



"We are going to cut the newspapers into little pieces, and give each student one piece (coupon-size) to read," says one school headmaster proudly.

Students have been enthusiastic about this new development.



"Its a big opportunity to see what this "English" looks like on paper." says one Khoo Teck Khay. "We have never really seen it before." pipes up friend, MaryAnn Jevaratnam.

When asked if it has helped with their language skills they eagerly nod. When also asked if they like the new method they responded with more eager nods.



When finally asked if they would like to donate their kidneys they continued to nod. Other questions such as "do you like eating garden slugs," and "have you ever killed anyone by extracting their eyeballs with your bare teeth," also received the same response.

Eventually the students had to be sent to a chiropractor to reset their necks.


as reported by Edie J.