News that is good for you

Malaysian Roadsigns

2007-03-02T04:09:00.000-08:00

A very... descriptive road.

FUN THINGS TO DO IN A "GUIDED DEMOCRACY".

2006-11-16T04:03:00.000-08:00

Fun things to do in a "guided democracy".

1. Pretend to be a Japanese tourist and visit the ISA. Better yet, send real Japanese tourists.
Tell them its the National Zoo.

2. Become a stalker-obsessed fan of a BN politician. Camp in front of his house and sing sexy
love songs from a loudspeaker. (Suggestion, cover the song "We are the cheeky girls, you are the cheeky boys".)

3. Dress like Dorothy in The Land of Oz and visit Putrajaya. It is better if you are a dude.

4. Send Nigerian emails to the Prime Minister.

5. Make a new opposition party made up of your stuffed animals. Get your friends to vote for them.

6. Pretend to be the Crocodile Hunter in the Parliament.

7. Dress up as the khalwat police and catch fornicating cats in alleys. Include videos as documentary evidence and submit it to the local religious authorities with straight faces.

8. Catch a monkey and send it to the police station. Say that he was disturbing national security
with his anti-government lice. Pinpoint lice on the monkeys head, point out anti-government
demonstrations happening between the hairs on his fur.

9. In traffic jams, use markers and paper, and flash patriotic messages to your neighbor. If
they dont respond positively, pretend to call the police on your handphone.

10. Follow the cars of local politicians. AFTER they park, set up no parking signs next to the car.
Call the traffic police, and alert the press. Repeat.

(If you have any more, feel free to add below/email us with more.)

LOCAL NEWS- News Straits Times Teaches Youth Bad Things

2006-11-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Weekend Mail was suspended by government authorities for publishing "lewd articles". The News Straits Times Press Malaysia (NSTP) apologized for the publication that had focused on "teenagers and sex".

Local politicians have condemned the issue. Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak stated that the daily had gone overboard, and that he received numerous calls complaining that the articles were extreme and should not have been published.

Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil said newspaper articles influenced the minds of the readers.

A resolution made at the Federal Territory Umno convention yesterday condemned such articles and stated that it would contribute to immoral sexual behaviour and increased social problems among youngsters.

Following the publication, according to research conducted by our in-house think-tank lewd thoughts among youngsters in Malaysia reached an all-time high.

Says one young man "After I read that article, I immediately felt like doing something bad and sexy." he states that before this he used to only engage in healthy activities such as sudoku and "Mario Brothers 4" occasionally. "Only when I want to walk on the wild side".

Another young woman states that she immediately bought condoms and looked for people to have sex with. "It was like I was in a trance. I saw the word "sex" and "teenagers" and I just couldnt control myself." She reportedly attacked a young man and demanded him to engage in sexual activities with her.

The young man was reportedly "extremely pleased".

Fulfilling their role as responsible journalists the karipanas crew inc distributed pictures to neutralize the heinous effects of the sexually stimulating articles. This picture has been guaranteed by scientists to make any human being of either gender to stop thinking about sex altogether.

(Warning: Some people have actually cut off their respective genitalia after observing this image.)

After distribution of this image to the masses, our survey polls found that an overwhelming amount of young people had sworn off sex and "other social ills" for the rest of their lives.

However there were still a few sick perverts out there who were reportedly "more excited than ever".

The Karipanas Crew would like to congratulate itself on cleansing the minds of the youth of Malaysia.

WELL DONE KARIPANAS!!!!!!!!

as reported by Joe Lacks

LOCAL NEWS- ISA Your All Purpose Exterminator

2006-11-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR- It was announced recently that the Internal Security Act (ISA) can be used against people spreading libel or false rumors through short messaging services (SMS) or email.

This statement was made by Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan, in reference to messages spread via SMS that a group of Muslims were to be baptised as Christians in Ipoh last Saturday.

Citizens everywhere have applauded this effort and in survey polls conducted by our in-house think-tank many have suggested other groups of people who should be locked up in the ISA.

1. People who queue in the 10 items line when they have more than 10 items.

2. People who smell bad. (Submitted by LRT passengers.)

3. KL bus drivers.

4. Random old people.

5. The guy who makes you pay when he waves you to an empty parking spot that you already
saw in the first place.

6. The Selangor football team. (Submitted by the Kedah football team)

7. Singaporeans.

8. That fckin annoying dancing blue hippo.

picture- "the fckin annoying blue hyppo"

9. All the people on "Akademi Fantasia".

10. My mother-in-law.

To qualify these groups as a threat to "national security", citizens have stated that they are prepared to riot. When asked if they think that the punishment would be "unproportionate" for the "crimes" committed, they stated that they stood by the governments policy of proportion.

"We believe in this government, because we also think that overwhelming stupidity, ugliness or just being plain annoying is enough of a reason for people to be locked away for the rest of their lifetimes, without trial or being given a coherent reason."

Edie J.

INTERNATIONAL NEWS- Our Rulers Return

2006-11-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

INTERNATIONAL NEWS-The Space Monkey Federation announced their far-reaching long-term plan today, called the "Monkey Agenda".

In a nutshell, the Space Monkeys will unilaterally declare anything that they fancy on Earth to be theirs, whether they rightfully lay claim to it or not, and whether they deserve it or not. They won't call it an invasion outright, they claim to be "just reminding the world about the rightful owners of the land".

picture- your future leader. bow to him.

Jag'dish Muxt, leader of the 1st Space Monkey Battalion, explains: "Monkeys were here before humans. Therefore, monkeys own all land on Earth by default. Monkeys should be given special privileges, unlimited economic handouts, claim to all useful infrastructure, and the right to re-write history for Space Monkeys to take all the credit".

However, the United Nations was not amused: "What the hell are they talking about?! Hell, they are SPACE MONKEYS! They're not even EARTH MONKEYS. How can they lay claim to this world, when they're not even the native inhabitants?", quoted an unnamed source high up in the UN shadow government.

He added, "Furthermore, the Earth Monkeys do not seem to be helped by you guys, so-called Monkey brothers. In fact, they appear to be sidelined by Space Monkeys!"

Mr. Muxt retorted, "That's not the point. The Earth monkeys did not make use of the available opportunity, and are still unable to do so. We, on the other hand, will be able to champion Monkey Rights on their behalf as we are known across the galaxy to be the defenders of the Monkey Race. We, monkeys, have been very patient with humans.

"There has always been that unwritten 'social contract' between us.. and now that humans have relegated monkeys to the zoo, and questioning Space Monkeys' claim on the Earth, you guys are going too far. These are sensitive issues which should be side-stepped in the interest of peace and tolerance, as we wouldn't like to be using our nuclear weapons".

What about the fact that various human races developed all the technology that we have today, and all the useful buildings, infrastructures and political systems?

"Who cares? We'll re-write history to say that Monkeys have always been a master race, and the fact remains that Monkeys were here earlier. Earth Monkeys, Space Monkeys, what's the bloody difference?"

"The point is that you, humans, are not monkeys, and are therefore not eligible for special rights to live on this Earth. End of discussion. Don't stir any trouble, or we'll nuke all of you to damnation. We are patient and tolerant, remember that."

as reported by Jae M.

LOCAL NEWS- The People Want to Focus Says Badawi

2006-10-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR-Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said the people decide what they want and although some may be concerned with his differences with the former premier, he says that most people are looking forward to development projects that would come on board by the middle of next year.

‘People are focusing on my work’ says the Prime Minister, and not on the spat between him and Tun Mahathir. He is of the opinion that he still remains popular and that the people are not divided on this issue.

Malaysians have agreed that his arbitrary statement is true. "He is a total mind-reader."says Govinda Jeyaratnam, 43. "Those two words, focus and work are on our minds."

In a survey conducted to identify the specific details of what "work" Malaysian's want to "focus" on, the polls revealed that:

i- 32 percent want to "focus" on Jessica Alba's body and maybe her "work".

ii- 24 percent want to "focus" on killing the queue-cutters who stop them from
getting to "work" on time.

iii- 36 percent want to "focus" on getting some damn "work".

iv- 8 percent want to "focus" on porn. And not "work."

As reported by a source the Prime Minister googled the word "work" and "focus", added up the number of sites, and made his conclusion without following up on the links.

as reported by Edie J.

FRONTPAGE- Khalwat Raid On Non-Muslims

2006-10-31T20:27:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR-Breaking down a few times towards the course of the interview, the Petronas Ad Chinese Kid (who would like to remain anonymous) related tearfully on how he was harassed by religious department officials during a 4am khalwat raid on his house. Speaking at the MCA Public Complains Bureau, he related the incident which have rendered him sleepless for the past 2 nights.

In the raid, religious officers continuously banged on his door, insisting that he opened up. He was accused of concealing a Malay girl in his room at that time, which he vehemently denied.

The department officials claimed that they have hard evidence that he has been doing some "immoral activities" with the Malay girl since at least 4 years ago, and they forced him to produce the girl in the early hours of the morning although he insisted that he doesn't know where she is now.

"It was only a commercial, for crying out loud! How am I supposed to know where she is now?"

He insisted that he's a Buddhist, but the religious department officers apparently snapped back at him "You lived in a Malay kampung area and flirted with a Malay girl. You are definitely a Muslim, don't lie!", to which he retorted "That's not even my real house!".

The officers remained unconvinced, but left after harassing him for several hours.

Michael Chong, head of the MCA Public Complains Bureau, expressed extreme disgust at this invasion of privacy. The religious department, however, defended their khalwat raid.

A religious department spokesperson said, "We acted on a tip-off based on hard evidence which we have received (see Exhibit A below), and we can safely say that we have at least 8 million reliable witnesses to his crime of khalwat who have seen him doing it again and again. In addition to him denying that he's a Muslim, we're planning to charge him for apostasy as well".

The department insisted that they're not intentionally targeting non-Muslims in misguided raids. "All our raids are conducted based on excellent intelligence information. For instance, we were planning to nab this guy, 'Jason'. We also had video evidence of him commiting khalwat, and all we needed to do was to find out his surname and his house address. "

"We were on the verge of obtaining a Syariah Court order to subpoena Yasmin Ahmad for information relating to his whereabouts, but at the last minute, our intelligence-gathering team discovered that 'Jason' died in a motorbike accident. Hence, we did not pursue that case any further."

"As you can see, the religious department is very meticulous in our procedures, and we do not simply pick on random targets with poor bits of information."

Exhibit A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dI6YuQay7ds

as reported by Jae M.

LOCAL NEWS- Scientists complain and leave.

2006-10-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Science, Technology and Innovation Ministry published an internal report citing reasons for the poor state of scientific innovation in this country.

"The scientists are whiny bitches." Says one unnamed source.

A staggering amount of 70 foreign scientists and 22 local scientists this year have not renewed their contracts with local universities and research programs, despite having been given what has been said to be "pretty sweet deals".

The programmes ensured allowances for housing, relocation and schooling for scientists families. In addition to this it also included return airfares to their home country and medical benefits.

However the scientists have not duly appreciated these benefits and have raised numerous complaints about other issues which were deemed by the Ministry as "quite irrelevant". These complaints include:

a) poor research infrastructures -

current locations used by scientists
i- A broom cupboard in UKM
ii- Discarded cages from Zoo Negara
iii- Lim Kit Siang's kitchen

b) a critical shortage of scientists and support staff with required research experience;

-an example of this has been the hybrid tree research team of University Malaya, which consists of one German scientist and three confused Bangladeshi men. They thought that they were there to pick the fruit.

c) cumbersome administrative procedures to procure research equipment;

the procedures are reportedly:

step one- file a request to the head office

step two- fill in the necessary forms

step three- journey to Mordor, defeat the Uruk-hai and throw the ring into the Cracks of Doom.

The Ministry has not announced as of yet if they are to cater to these selfish and blatantly whiny complaints.

as reported by Zara K.

FRONTPAGE- DAP and Zakaria supporters face-off

2006-10-29T23:53:00.000-08:00

KLANG- Today a near-bloody scuffle ensued between members of the DAP (Democratic Action Party) and the supporters of Datuk Zakaria Mat Deros.

DAP secretary-general Lim Guan Eng, led a 300-man procession to protest outside the residence of the UMNO division chief. After realizing that the latter and his wife, Datin Zizah Ngah were not at home they began chanting anti-Zakaria slogans.

When Zakaria's supporters came on the scene to stop this public protest, it started a physical confrontation from what had initially began as a mere oral demonstration.

picture- the funniest use of the word "fracas" in human history. we dare you to refute this.

Onlookers are divided on which side actually started the fight, but all agree that the Zakaria's supporters emerged victorious.

Some say that this was due to the fact that the DAP members were "middle-aged unfit men", while some DAP members have refuted this point by saying that they were simply caught off guard.

"They werent ready for a fight. If they had known you would have seen some kung-fu ass shit man."says one source.

It is a proven fact that all Chinese know kung-fu.

However most agree that one reason is that Zakaria's supporters mainly consisted of several barnyard animals, and a few creatures from the endangered species list as identified by the the WWF (World Wildlife Fund.)

Members of the DAP have also stated that it was difficult to engage their opponents in battle as the few homosapiens involved were active participants of the Special Olympics. "My mother say cannot hit people that cacat one." says one bystander.

They were reportedly enlisted under the category "Spelling and Reading Deficiency" which experts state is practically an incurable disease.

"But they are all still very special."

as reported by Joe Lacks

FRONTPAGE- Stand behind Badawi

2006-10-29T01:46:00.000-07:00

Kuala Lumpur- Recently local authority figures have called out to Malaysians to cease from criticizing the government. They also urge that citizens stand strongly behind the Prime Minister for the good of the nation.

Datuk Seri Abdullah Badawi has also commented on Tun Dr Mahathir's unrelenting campaign against the government, stating that the former is attacking with "stronger venom" and that the people also share his sentiment that it is baseless and that it should be stopped.

Scientists have pitched in this rally call for support, citing empirical evidence that criticisms upon the government may hurt the country and gradually bring it to its doom.

"It is as dangerous as real venom."

"Through our studies we have found that there will be extreme detriment to the Prime Minister, and of course the government as a whole if things go on as they are. And naturally if the government is affected, so are the people of this country."

He stated that criticisms lets off a certain wave that can only be detected by special equipment.

"And these waves might as well be nuclear waves, with the effect that they bring."

He calls them "negative germs". "To help the public understand how serious the problem is, we are releasing extremely detailed graphs."

picture- extremely detailed graph

"The red waves represent the criticisms that is directed towards the Prime Minister."

However they state that the public need not panic as there is still time to repair the harm that has been done.

"What the public can do in the interest of the nation is to praise and love the government. This will help cleanse the germs that have infested, and bring our country back to its natural state."

picture- extremely detailed graph 2

The pink waves signify the love shown from the people, he states.

"It is important that we do these measures as soon as possible, before we all meet our doom."

He also adds that there does not have to be a particularly good reason to give love and praise. "You can just say something nice about his hair."

"This is for the country. Citizens should forget about sincerity and their real feelings when this is at stake."

(scientists conducting this research are also economists of the Economic Planning Unit, and sometimes are F1 Race-car girls)

as reported by Edie J.

FUN FOR EVERYONE

2006-10-27T02:19:00.000-07:00

Quiz

What kind of Malaysian are you? Take our quiz and find out!

1. The Prime Minister announced today the government does not curtail the peoples freedom.

a) True. There has been no moment in history where the current government administration has impeded upon the public's civil rights.

b) False. The government has, on several occasions stopped its citizens from utilizing rights that should be available to all in a democracy e.g. protest, freedom of press etc.

c) Whatever.

d) Please give me a banana.

2. The Prime Minister stated today that UMNO members are given space to give their views.
This is;

a) True. UMNO members have always had different opinions regarding matters of the country.

b) False. They usually all stand in line like trained penguins and do not have independent views.

c) Who cares anyway. No one there has anything worth hearing. I would rather hear the sound of mating llamas.

d) I think I need to go potty. Bad.

3. The Prime Minister stated that Malaysia is a democratic country.

a) True. All principles of democracy are implemented within its framework.

b) False. There are several points that do not meet the expectations of a democracy, such as transparency and accountability.

c) Democracy Schemocracy. Bah! Tui! Tui!

d) (purring sound.)

4. The Prime Minister stated today that most citizens believe that Mahathir should stop
criticizing the government.

a) True. We do not have time to listen to an old "pensioners" views about what should happen in a country. Furthermore his criticisms are baseless.

b) False. His views have, at the very least highlighted several problems with the current government. And people in general should be allowed to criticize the government as they please. And the majority agree.

c) Are you kidding me? All he needs are super powers. Like acid green slime that shoots out from his ears. Its fucking fun! We need more of this! Someone dump him in some toxic waste,NOW!!!

d) Wheres my banana?

Answers

1. All b's. You are a smart and discerning citizen. You also bore us.

2. All c's. You are full of cynicism and rage, despite your intelligence. You may kill someone soon. You are also entertaining.

3. All d's. You are some sort of animal, who needs to be cleaned because you have soiled your litterbox.

4. All a's. Same as number 3.

(This quiz was certified by the Cretuv Association of Psychologists and Social Scientists. And one crack head we found on the street.)

SEMI-INTERNATIONAL NEWS- Malaysia's new trade deal

2006-10-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

With the greater influx of Nigerian businessmen and entrepeneurs to Malaysia, the government has decided to expand economic ties with Nigeria through a program of mutual trade exchange.

Under the agreement, Nigeria will continue to earn from Malaysia in the industries that they're best at - "profitable e-mail deals", while Malaysia will export our Magic Stone experts and Bomohs to Nigeria.

Nigeria has earned an estimated RM2.43 million last year by co-operating with Malaysians through their Nigerian "Business deal" E-mails.

"There are so many trustworthy people here!" says Akuli Mbabwa. "And to think we managed to decide that only based on their email addresses!".

He stated that he woud like to personally thank chunkylover@yahoo.com, busybee@gmail.com and iamextremelygullible23@hotmail.com for their help in the transactions.

"They will be hearing from us soon".

With this new trade agreement in place, Malaysians in the same line of business will make their way to Nigeria to offer them Magic Stones and "traditional healing" services.

"The market here in Malaysia is saturated.", said Chen, 42, President of the Malaysian Magic Stone Sellers Association.

"Nigeria is full of sickly people with no access to proper nutrition. Most of them are at risk of getting weird diseases and cancer. There's no better industry that exploits people's poor health and fear of death than Magic Stones. Lagos itself has around 15 million people, of which almost 40% are elderly and rich (and most importantly, gullible). We expect to be able to make RM500 million from them in 3 months, flee the country for the rest of the year and return the year after for more prospecting".

Haji Hassan bin Haron, a leading "traditional medicine" practitioner from Gombak who also happens to be a serial rapist, welcomed the government's decision wholeheartedly. "Nigeria is lawless. We can get away with anything. Even if I charge a patient RM100 per treatment, they are more than willing to pay. They still rely a lot on witch doctors, and everyone has sex like monkeys. That's paradise!"

Commenting on this surprising forward-looking trade agreement, a MITI spokesperson explained that it's a part of the government's long-term plans. "

"Since Malaysia is poised to be world's largest coconut exporter by 2010, we have to ensure that we have a global monopoly over the world's coconut supplies. Nigeria is our only real competition. By embedding other Malaysian industries in Nigeria, we will be able to control their coconut output over time."

"Make no mistake, we will corner the world coconut market."

as reported by Jae M.

FRONTPAGE- "The Real Bumiputera's"?

2006-10-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- The announcement by Scientific Research Group stunned the nation this morning.

Apparently through long and extensive research their scientists have discovered a small ethnic minority which was not included in the Bumiputera classification by the government, as true people of the land.

They released a chronology of tribes that had inhabited the land "before" the arrivals of Malays to the archipelago.

"As known by most Malaysians the Orang Asli inhabited this island, way before everyone else." says Dr. Harish Mohammed.

picture- privileged Orang Asli

"And they have been given as much privilege and help as Malay Bumiputera's and other people falling into that category."

"But now there is evidence to show that they were not the first here."

Their findings were that the very first living being to have reached the shores of the peninsula was a cockroach named Joe.

The reinstatement of Joe's rights are being processed and since he and his kin were around for a longer period they are seeking to give them extra privileges.

"They should be given more than the 30 percent equity rights, and a larger budget for their religious schools and places of worship."

The New Bumiputeras apparently worship bits of cheese that are found on the floor. "Legislation should be made that the citizens of Malaysia respect their beliefs and stop sweeping their floors when cheese falls on it." says Dr Harish.

as reported by Kandy K.

LOCAL NEWS- Police to hunt down evil people

2006-10-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- In concurrence with their roles as enforcers of justice, the police are setting up a special task force to track down what may be the very root of all evil.

1,426 young people have failed to turn up for National Service training. Reports have been circulated of the formation of a cult consisting of these very people.

This cult worships, what is reported to be a "god with horns". Experts speculate that this may be Satan, or an intimidating looking goat.

Pamphlets have been found with the basic tenants of its belief in various schools. It forbids;

i) the use of blue camouflage outfits in green surroundings
ii) spending long periods in jungles while listening to mindless drivel
iii) drinking milk

Due to the level of danger that this cult poses to society, the police are not holding back. "We do not have a special department to deal with this issue, but we have roped in investigating officers to form a temporary team to track them down.

In a final bid before the nation-wide crackdown, the police are calling upon the misled youth to turn themselves in.

"I advise all of them to report to the nearest police station or we will track you down." says Federal CID deputy director Datuk Mokhtar Hassan.

To date however none of the NS dodgers/cult members have responded to this final act of mercy. The cult is reported to call itself "People Who Really Have Better Things To Do."

as reported by Jae M.

SNIPPETS

2006-10-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

Samy announces roads are safe to use
The MRR2 highway has been announced as safe to use. Citizens making their way back to their hometowns shall have additional routes to choose from to avoid traffic congestion.

Other highways which are still "Cracked Pillars of Doom" may be used as a more exciting alternative.

Dr M invited to UMNO General Assembly
Umno secretary-general Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has sent an invitation to former Umno president Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad to attend the Umno general assembly on Nov 13.

UMNO officials hope that this will be a step towards reconciliation between the former Prime Minister and several high officials.

Citizens hope that he will "Unleash The Beast Within".

Prime Minister says to strengthen ties
In his Deepavali message Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi said that all Malaysians should celebrate Deepavali tomorrow with the spirit to further strengthen multi-racial ties and mutual respect and trust for one another.

He also said "bla bla... happiness is shared .. bla-bla..rhetoric crap.. bla bla.. friends .. bla bla rhetoric crap".

And something about joy. Or maybe small boys.

Jumping queue a major cause of accidents
Deputy Internal Security Minister Datuk Johari Baharom said that jumping queue was the main cause of traffic accidents which tallied up to 3,175 since last Tuesday. In the last three days the police have issued 10,000 summons for offences such as these.

Other contributing causes are "being ridiculous bastards" and "acting like impatient monkeys."

Fake Goods seized at Bazaar
Negri Sembilan Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs enforcement officers who raided the stalls and seized more than RM50,000 worth of fake goods in Ampangan on Wednesday night.

Operation Extreme Redundancy is going right on track, say experts and one random man.

as reported by Mickey D.

From the editor

2006-10-20T02:25:00.000-07:00

Greetings readers.

We would like to thank all of you who have sent us positive feedback, criticisms, and slightly disturbing naked images of yourselves.

I take that back. Make it very, very disturbing.

The Karipanas Crew would like to wish all of you Selamat Hari Raya, and Happy Deepavali. To worshippers of Satan, stay strong, it will be over soon.

We will still be working during the holidays, and hopefully there will be more to report about other than cars crashing into each other.

I am using a lot of space in this post so that it seems that I am writing a lot, when Im not. Clever trick ey?

Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FRONTPAGE- Government to create Super Teachers (Beta)

2006-10-20T00:57:00.001-07:00

PUTRAJAYA- Proving that Malaysia is not behind in technology, the government has announced a new scientific innovation for the education system.

"We are going to create Super Teachers." says Education Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein.

This move was made in response to growing concern over the standard of education in this country. “This is to ensure that the profession is regarded highly. We believe that these new Super Teachers will perform and live up to our expectations.”

Among features of these robotic wonders are improved skills of reading and writing, embedded mp3 players and tetris (new edition).

"They are like the Transformers, only smaller. And they cannot turn into cars."

He states that this feature will be included in the next edition. "This version is understandably at its beta stage. There are still a few things that have to be worked out." They have had a problem in programming the system to "motivate and communicate" with children.

picture- super teacher (beta)

"The initial programming was death and utter destruction, so sometimes they revert back to their old ways." He states that the robots were remnants of a failed government project to deal with public protests and littering.

"We thought that it would be a waste to simply throw away these "Robots of Doom", and decided to turn them into "Caring Robots of Education".

The new Super Teachers will be posted to all schools by the end of this year. The government firmly believes that this will accurately address the problems with the current education system.

as reported by Edie J.

source: the star

LOCAL NEWS - New weight-loss program for Penan students.

2006-10-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

LONG LELLANG (Ulu Baram, Miri): 106 students Penan boys and girls at Sekolah Kebangsaan Long Lellang have been chosen to test-pilot the governments new fitness program to address a growing problem of obesity among young people.

"It is a great success," says local health official, Bujang Mahmud.

"100 percent of the students have experienced rapid weight loss in just the first 6 months." The students are treated to a nutritious meal of papaya's and porridge once a day.

"Three meals a day is just a modern day greedy norm. Many people all over the world can even do just half a meal a day." The fact that these same people are also dying like flies is because of unhygienic practices, and not because of their lack of food.

"They dont wash their hands before they eat, those Africans."

He says that weighing lighter than a small cat is a healthy state to be in for children at that age.

picture- Penan students

The Penan and Kelabit parents, however, have not shown proper co-operation. Most parents secretly give their children rice, fish and vegetables when visting the school.

"It is outrageous." says one school official. "How can we reach the governments mission and vision when citizens do not co-operate."

Their lack of patriotism is appalling, yet officials are not worried as "these jungle people dont have that much food to give away anyway."

"What do you think the jungle is? Tesco?"

He says that the parents will give up eventually and "a nation of healthy, clever children will be born."

as reported by Zakaria M.

source: the star

SIGHTINGS- PROTON SAVVY

2006-10-19T22:47:00.000-07:00

-the rambler

From the editor

2006-10-19T06:44:00.000-07:00

Greetings readers.

We would like to apologize for our late posts today. There is no real reason why. We are just lazy bastards.

Secondly, we would like to announce that we have a karipanas forum, located at the sidebar. This is a unique forum, as unlike other forums where you have to register, follow anal-retentive rules and get constant warnings from the moderator, we allow you to roam freely like wild animals.

You can say anything you want, the same rules apply as to the comments made here. There is a registration request, and you may choose to register but you may also post replies as a guest.

We dont care either way.

Thirdly, one reader submitted that our poll had too many choices and people would not make time to read all of the choices. The point he has made is valid. Dyslexia is common these days. From now on, polls will have less answers to choose from to cater to the abject laziness of our readers. Thank you for your support, and happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

SNIPPETS

2006-10-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

DR M and Badawi to meet
Both prominent political figures have announced their desire to meet and reconcile with each other. This move has reportedly been engineered by people within the Barisan Nasional party, who are uncomfortable with the feud between them.

87 percent of Malaysians however would like it to go on as they find it more entertaining that way.

11 ISA detaineed released
Nik Adli, son of PAS leader Nik Aziz was released from the ISA today. Ten others released were two Norwegian tourists, one random old man, a baby, a yellow baboon, a neurotic teenager, and five angry lawyers.

Nik Adli was detained for allegedly having links with the KMM (Kumpulan Militan Malaysia). The others were detained for "looking fishy".

The lawyers however were kept there as a silly prank.

Police on Megaphones in Segamat
In a new move to reduce crime, the Segamat police are broadcasting their messages using megaphones from their patrol cars. This is a move to constantly remind residents to be careful of their surroundings.

Residents in turn are buying their own megaphones. Some to announce thank you messages back to the vigilant policemen.

Most just to say "SHUT UP YOU CRAZY BASTARDS! I CANT FCKIN SLEEP YOU STUPID GITS!"

Amir Muhammad to make a sequel to Lelaki Komunis Terakhir
Even though the first part of the movie was banned by the Malaysian government Amir Muhammad is soldiering on and creating the sequel.

The authorities have already announced that they are going to ban the sequel even if they have not seen it yet. This, as announced by officials, is to simply save time. "We know we are going to ban it anyway."

The movie preview will be held in Amir Muhammad's bedroom, and the invited guests will be himself and his cat, Poco.

Mat Rempit in hiding
The Mat Rempit's who attacked the Kubang Semang police station are nowhere to be seen. The official stance of the police is that they have gone into hiding.

However according to one source, various responsible members of the public have hunted them down and beaten them to death with shovels and other lethal gardening tools.

"Three down. One more to go."says one caring citizen.

LOCAL NEWS- Killer emu's roam loose in Klang

2006-10-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

picture-killer emu

KLANG- Killer emu's have been sighted in various areas in Klang Valley.

"We think that they escaped from one of the zoo's" says one local forest ranger, Hamid Hussein. The emu's are ingenious at concealing themselves from the naked eye. They conceal themselves in various rubbish heaps that can be found in the Klang area.

"Also, most people are too hungry to notice a killer emu this fasting month."

One unfortunate victim is Klang Umno Puteri chief Roselinda Abdul Jamil.

Killer emu's have a liking for human eyeballs. "It is a natural instinct for them. They come from the African continent, where eyeballs can be found everywhere because people die carelessly in random places." says Hamid. He admits that this is irresponsible behavior on the part of African people.

"They have created monsters."

Today, in responding to the barrage of criticisms concerning her appointment as municipal councillor along with her father-in-law and brother-in-law she announced the horrible tragedy that had befallen her.

"I cannot see." she said to the surprise of reporters.

picture- Roselinda, before the horrible tragedy.

Roselinda was attacked while at home with her father-in law, brother-in law, grandmother, maid, and Hassan, the family iguana, who are all coincidentally also Klang Municipal Councillors.

"This is an attack against the Klang Municipal Council."says Roselinda. There are no records of killer emu's having political aspirations. She says it may be her many political enemies or outraged citizens who let the killer emu's into her place of residence.

Her eyesight is damaged permanently. She may have her drivers license revoked, but this is not an issue with her as she has already hired a driver so as not to endanger other citizens. The driver will be nominated as Klang Municipal councillor in the next following year.

Referring to the unreasonable behavior of Klang residents who disagree with having all the members of her household in the Klang Municipal Council she says,“I do not see anything wrong as all of us were appointed councillors in our different capacities,” said Roselinda.

This, experts say is understandable as she has lost all capability of seeing after the vicious attack.

as reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- Mysteries of Ramadhan

2006-10-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR-Latest statistics conducted by the Royal Malaysian Social Engineering Society has concluded that the Muslim population in Malaysia has become more obese and financially poorer during the fasting month. The findings have been met with some degree of confusion and widespread denial among Muslims.

56.4% of the Muslim population have gained weight by an average of 12.6% as compared to their body weight before Ramadhan. This development has left religious authorities and medical personnel baffled, as it appears that they have gained weight despite supposedly reducing their food intake during the fasting month.

"This is totally opposite to what one would expect. Normally, when a person fasts and consumes a moderate, balanced meal while breaking fast, he or she will actually lose weight and be more fit and healthy. But what we're seeing here is that they have become fatter!", says Dr. Tambhirajah Sivaseelan, head of the Dietary and Nutrition Department of Kuala Lumpur Hospital.

"It is a medical mystery."

Some however do not find it surprising. "I see the fella working at the garmen counter always sleeping only. I think they all fat because morning that time eat so much, rest of the day they sleep only". says Chen Tek Ong, 28.

His remarks are met with death threats from certain quarters, and Khairy Jamaluddin has promised to personally yell at his face with a megaphone to teach him not to insult Muslims.

Another unaccountable but unrelated phenomenon observed is that Muslims are running out of cash at a faster rate during the Ramadhan month. Some have attributed it to toyols. (Small, nasty, yet entertaining creatures.)

Prominent parapsychologist-cum-ghostbuster, Uncle Seeker, explained: "It is not impossible for toyols to be roaming free during the Ramadhan month."He says that other creatures of the night usually take time off from scaring random people as this is a holy month.

"Toyols however, do not give a damn."

UMNO Youth had an answer that they insist is more logical - the Jews are up to their nonsense again. Khairy issued a press statement today, saying "The evil international brotherhood of Jews and Zionists are taking advantage of the Ramadhan month to further oppress the Muslims by making our money vanish mysteriously".

In a poll conducted, it was found that 93.2% of Muslims admitted that they went broke faster during the Ramadhan month than they did in the earlier months. The only people immune to this are the traffic police.

From the editor

2006-10-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

Greetings readers,

We are happy to announce that karipanas has reached "1000" visitors in the first two weeks of its creation. It may be 20 people who have nothing to do but click on the same page 100 times a day, but we still consider it an achievement.

Thank you to all who have come, and commented. We hope that you help us in spreading the word about this newsblog, or if you do not have adequate interpersonal skills, you can kidnap random people on the street to help do it for you. We advise that you release them after that, or at least ensure that they are washed and fed daily.

Some of you have posted links to this newsblog, and we highly appreciate the gesture. It shows that there are people who care about this country.

The second issue is that I want to formally announce our policy on comments.

You can say anything you want, as we believe in freedom of speech. Quoting Voltaire "I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

It also means that we can say anything we want in response. Racist, prejudiced and downright ignorant comments will not be deleted. We will just tell you that you are a scumbag bastard and that you can rot in hell, or something to that effect.

Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

FEATURED- Proton sales surge in the United Kingdom

2006-10-18T06:08:00.000-07:00

PETALING JAYA-Proton Holdings Bhd has seen a surge in car sales in Britain as the number of cars sold from January to last month is 48% higher compared to the same period in 2005.

Proton UK general sales and marketing manager Simon Park was reported to have said that a growing dealer network, and the Savvy and ongoing advertising campaigns had resulted in the increase in sales this year.

Included below are the sales reports of major car companies in the UK market from January 2006 to September 2006.

TOYOTA- 540,119

THE VOLKSWAGEN GROUP- 1.4 million

RENAULT- 1.54 million,

HONDA- 2,563, 631

PROTON- 1,702

CONGRATULATIONS PROTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MALAYSIA BOLEH!!!!!!!!

as reported by Joe Lacks

FRONTPAGE- Plan to eradicate hardcore poverty by 2008

2006-10-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

JOHOR BAHRU- Poor people everywhere are rejoicing because of the statement the Prime Minister made after breaking fast with Johor Mentri Besar Datuk Abdul Ghani Othman at Saujana yesterday.

He had announced that the government plans to eradicate hard-core poverty by 2008, instead of 2010 as planned.

Among other plans that have been fast-tracked are

-"Making schools less redundant" which will be implemented in 2011 instead of 2014. The government means to make it "Mildly useful" by the set date.

-Flyovers and other public construction works will be upgraded from "Concrete death traps that fall on random people" to "Cracked Pillars that Look Dangerous" by 2016 instead of 2013.

- Standard response time for processing documents for the public will be changed from "Whenever im in the mood" to "After you fill in 20 irrelevant forms, stand in line for 3 days and finally stab yourself in the eye out of hatred and anger" in 2009 instead 0f 2010.

- Plans for toll-free roads will be implemented "On a cold day in hell", instead of "Never while human beings still live and breathe on this earth".

The government will also continue its efforts to help the "relatively" poor.

No announcement has been made regarding the situation of people in the "kind of poor"and the "poor enough to hate you bastards" income bracket.

as reported by Joseph Lax

LOCAL NEWS- Superintendent was ordered to disrupt speech, not assembly.

2006-10-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Asst Supt Anuar Jusoh, was questioned by the Suhakam panel of inquiry regarding his actions during the protest in KLCC regarding rising fuel prices.

He had allegedly flown a helicopter "dangerously close", and reports were made stating that the police had used "excessive force" to halt the gathering. The Suhakam panel is trying to determine whether human rights had been violated during the operation.

The Superintendent denied having had any intention to harm members of the assembly.

"We were given instructions to fly low to disrupt a person's speech, not the assembly."

He is part of the Special Covert Ops which specializes in dealing with "oral danger".

"The target was that evil talking mouth. Not the people around him." Criticisms have been made that a helicopter was an "inappropriate tool" to stop a man from talking. According to the ops Chief, (who shall not be named due to security reasons) they are trained to recognize and eliminate any "vocal threat".

"We have to use any means possible. In the past we have used harpoons, small rockets and elephants on performance enhancing drugs."

picture- elephant on performance-enhancing drugs

"It is important that citizens are protected from dangerous voices." he states.

He states that dangerous voices may cause harmful diseases. When asked what form of disease, he said it could range from temporary disorders such as bleeding from every orifice of the body for several hours, to terminal illnesses. "Like cancer... of the ass."

"The medical term is... assinificititis. Or "buttdenoonade".

"We will do everything within our power to protect the people. Sometimes excessive force is necessary."

as reported by Edie J.

(All writers of karipanas have been diagnosed with assinificititis. Readers who do not want to be infected are advised to avoid physical contact as this disease may be transmitted to anyone within hearing range.)

LOCAL NEWS- Ending the debate on public equity

2006-10-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Tun Musa Hitam stated yesterday that the public debate on equity should end.

He said that he believes that it will soon spin out of control, as he has watched seemingly innocent arguments spun into highly emotional situations. "And the emotions in racial terms need to be managed with care." he states.

Responding to his comments, both sides of the fence have agreed to stop making public statements on the matter.

Apparently they have found a new method to convey their feelings that is deemed safe to use in volatile Malaysia.

"We are going to have a dance-off."

Similar to breakdance showdowns in 80's movies, they are donning on headgear and wrist warmers to prepare for what is likely to be an entertaining event. The criticizers of the EPU (Economic Planning Unit) findings have already started rehearsing their moves.

"Even though most of us are in our 40's, we still can "trip to the beat", says one representative from this camp.

Among moves that they have "nailed" are;

-the G-Kick, a kick with the legs and the arms forming a G shape:
which will signify the question "why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?"

-the Insane Corkscrew, a spin with the direction constantly changing:
which will mean "youre not answering our questions directly!"

-the Helicopter/Coffeegrinder/Ball-and-chain - a rotation of the legs while the hands are on the floor:

this will just be for showing off purposes.

picture- why arent you releasing the EPU data yet?

When asked if he had anything to say to his opponents, the message was;

"ITS ON BIATCH!!!!!!!"

(We could not reach representatives of the other camp for comments. Rumors state that they are debating on whether it would be concurrent with government policy to "keep it real".)

as reported by Joe Lacks

LOCAL NEWS- New Proton Cars For Police Officers

2006-10-16T23:38:00.000-07:00

Proton has announced that they have decided to contribute to the crime fighting cause - by sealing a deal with the Royal Malaysian Police for over RM80 million on 2000 new Proton cars.

The Royal Malaysian Police will be taking delivery of 1000 Waja Campros, 500 Wiras, 400 Sagas and 100 Perdana V6s. Proton is also generously donating approximately 5000 unsold Proton Juaras (reported to have been unanimously voted the world over as the Ugliest Car of All Time) to be used as mobile road barricades.

picture- awarded The Ugliest Car of All Time

At present, the police have a fleet of 1,939 patrol cars and the average response time is about 12 minutes.

"We have some 3,000 policemen under special training for the mobile police vehicle unit and they will graduate next February," Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Musa Hassan said at the handover ceremony at the Proton Centre of Excellence in Subang Jaya.

"When there's a free stretch of road anywhere in Kuala Lumpur, it takes 12 minutes for us to deploy 200 patrol cars to set up road blocks and create massive traffic jams. With the additional 2000 cars, we aim to streamline our system so that it takes us only 4 minutes to get the entire stretch of Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan Kuching to come to a standstill." he says proudly.

The fleet of new Proton Juaras, for which the 'special training' is intended, it will replace the task of everything from crash barricades to traffic cones.

picture- proton juara to replace traffic cones forever.

"The officers are given special training in order for them to be fearless. If there is a robbery, we will use a Juara fleet to stop the car. If we need to set up a road block and issue summons under 'reasonable suspicion', we can double-park an entire row of Juaras to narrow down the three-lane highway to one lane. "

"It's more effective and safer than setting up traffic cones".

UMNO Youth, however, is not as enthusiastic about this move. "With the new cars cops will run Mat Rempits off the roads for sure!"

"We have observed that on a typical week, a single police car runs over an average of 5 Mat Rempits. Having a total of almost 4000 patrol cars would mean having 20,000 less Mat Rempits every week. This will severely reduce the number of votes that we'll be getting by the 2008 General Elections!".

Tan Sri Musa Hassan, however, was quick to reassure the UMNO Youth movement: "You might get lesser votes from Mat Rempits, but don't forget that we still have postal votes. Rileks, brader."

(We were not able to reach Proton to respond to comments that this move was made to make up for poor earnings this year. We also do not know their telephone number.)

as reported by Jae M.

From the editor...

2006-10-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

Greetings readers. Here are a few answers to questions that you have sent us.

a) Who are the members of the Karipanas Crew?

Please refer to my Welcome Post. And yes, Im serious.

b) Arent you guys afraid of getting in trouble?

No.

c) Who are these crab creatures?

They are crabs, but bigger. And with an evil agenda.

d) Are you a boy or a girl?

The important thing is I am not a crab.

As you can see, we work hard to please you readers.

The first announcement is that there will be an international news column, even though we say we specialize in local news (as stated in our side bar) we lie all the time.

Secondly, we have set up a poll at the side bar, and we hope you participate and vote. Multiple voting is allowed, because we also cater for readers with multiple personalities.

Recently there has been a lot going on in the news about "rempit raids". I personally detest these sub-humans, and for the first time in my life I agree with the government and the police. Since they are now on the "hate-list" I presume killing them will not result in any legal consequences.

Anyone who brings me the head of a "mat rempit" will be rewarded handsomely. Maybe a writer to use as a pet, or slave. Or table. Your choice. Limbs are also acceptable. When else can you release the psycho-killer inside you? Happy reading.

the editor

"all that is required for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing..."

LOCAL NEWS- New Ways For Police To Fight Crime

2006-10-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

GEORGE TOWN- Local curry producers have been mobilized to help the police fight crime.

Drug mules use an ingenious stealth technique to bring their goods across the border.

"We shove it in our ass."

Says one drug mule candidly.

Luckily however the local police are using a "local" technique to uncover the crime. One Zambian was forced to eat spiced curry, bananas, and other equally starchy foodstuffs until he naturally relieved himself and along with other disgusting paraphernalia 37 tubes of heroin was found.

Local curry producers are told to create "fiery concoctions of doom" to help the police in their efforts. One Kariappan, a chef in a local restaurant, said that he had never put so much chili in his dishes before. "No human can take that much spice without exploding in their pants." he says.

The police have had a track record for coming up with innovative methods to fight crime. Business areas around police stations are used to "unique" requests from these commanders of justice.

" If the police ask you for anything, you just give it to them." says Chin Teck Onn, an owner of a dog pound here in George Town. "Even if it is for a dog "who is probably in league with Satan."

picture- dog who is probably in league with Satan.

Chin says that he is not surprised with the way the police work anymore. "I am used to it. I have been here for 30 years, and I dont look amazed anymore when they buy pliers, scorpions and sharpened ice picks."

"But the screams. I just cannot stand the screams."

As reported by Edie J.

FEATURED- CNN Interview with The Prime Minister

2006-10-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

Interview on CNN with Prime Minister of Moongonosea

The country Moongonosea is relatively unknown to other living breathing beings on earth. This is due to the fact that back then, somebody forgot to draw them on the map. This was typical behavior of the map draw-ers back then, being self-absorbed arrogant white men who were usually drunk or massacring people in the countries they were invading.

The country is currently lobbying aggressively to be included in the world map.

Robbie Neilson, a correspondent with CNN in an interview with Muchakaloonaiapanakla Goarkdkakhaks the newly elected Prime Minister of Mongonosea.

picture- a fax sent by the state Department of the Moongonesea, of the whereabouts of the country.

- What do you see as your greatest challenge in assuming the post of Prime Minister?

- The greatest challenge is in convincing people that we, the government always do everything in their best interest. Mongonoseans are very whiny, complaining people. They always criticize everything we do.

Whenever we issue a statement, they want proof of this, and that. It is ridiculous. They should be good citizens and believe in the government, always.

- Isnt that normal behavior for concerned citizens? How else do you maintain check and balance in your country if your citizens cannot question your motives and actions?

- If they are concerned, they should concentrate on building a better Mongonosea, work together with us, hand in hand.

- But then, how will they be sure that the government is always doing things that are good for them, or being fair?

- Because we are the government.

-But governments arent always right, they can make mistakes because they are run by humans who are susceptible to error. Shouldnt that be taken into account?

- We always make sure that our officials are not corrupt.

-But how can you always make sure, if people arent allowed to point it out? Apparently you even put people who do so in jail.

- We can make sure for ourselves. As I said we always do things for the best interest of our people. And we put them in jail, because they are a danger to our country.

- But what do you mean creating danger, since what they are doing is in the interest of their fellow citizens?

-Because there would be protests, and people would not put their trust with the government, and live in peace and harmony as they should.

- But arent protests a natural mechanism of a democracy, so as to ensure that the government is checked from abusing its power?

- Why should they do such things. We will always do what is best for them, and only that.

-But how can a citizen ensure that if he is not given the power to question his government?

- We have a motto "Greatness, Wellness, and Happiness". We will follow through with this motto.

-Ignoring the fact that that doesnt make any sense, what do you say to allegations from the opposition party that you are favoring your race, the Mojo-mojos in the distribution of wealth and opportunities in this country?

-The Mojo-mojos are the poorest ethnic group, we are helping the poor. It is not racist.

-But, according to statistics, the Ilaka-laka are the poorest ethnic group in your country.

- That might be true. But back then we were the poorest.

- Back then?

- After our independence from white men.

- Alright. But since that is different now, shouldnt there be more help for the poor Ilaka-laka's?-

- Yes, but you see they arent real citizens of this country. The white men bought them over in boats to work our coal mines, and then when the white men left we were stuck with them. So we let them stay.

- They arent registered as real citizens?

- Yes they are.

-But you just said that they arent real citizens?

-I said that they werent here from the beginning. My ancestors were.

-This is starting to get quite confusing sir. So, they are citizens but they dont get extra help because they werent here from the beginning?

- Exactly.

- But then isnt that quite unfair? As long as they are here, recognized as citizens, shouldnt they get equal rights?

-Everyone gets equal rights here in Mongonosea. Noone is marginalized. We let them celebrate their little religious celebrations. We visit each other and eat with each other.

-How does that relate to equal rights? That only means that they are allowed to celebrate their holidays. What of the idea of equal treatment in government subsidies, and welfare programs?

-We also allow equal treatment there too.

-But you just admitted that most of the money for your developmental policies go to the Mojo-mojos. And your economic and educational policies only favor the Mojo-mojos.

- Because the Mojo-mojos are still struggling. We need to help them.

- But your policies also largely help rich Mojo-mojos, who are already wealthy.

- This is because there is a need to make sure that there is the Mojo-mojos earn a large part of wealth in this country, to rival the Chanuagas, the richest ethnic group.

-Why the Mojo-mojos?

-Because this is their land. Our land, my ancestors land.

-Just for arguments sake, according to historical data, your ancestors took over land from another tribe, the Asliuans. Then shouldnt, by first come first serve basis, they be the main owners of wealth?

- That is too long ago.

-But you just said that was why your ethnic tribe was superior to the other ones.

-That is different, we were owning the land when they came here, and we let them stay.

-Sir, (LARGE SIGH) wont this differential treatment one day cause your citizens to feel discontent? Anger perhaps?

-They shouldnt feel that way. They know we have to do these things for the interest of our people.

-But why is it in their interest, when, as a citizen you are given less opportunities based on their race? How can it be in their benefit?

- Everything we do, we do it for our people. Our motto is "Together forever, Mission and Vision and Excellence Everywhere, for year 3010."

-What the fuck is that even supposed to mean you crazy git! Youre not answering the fucking question! ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- source- CNN (Censored News Network)

FRONTPAGE- The government is transparent on Equity

2006-10-16T08:16:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently the Deputy Prime Minister stated that the government would release its methodology of estimating the current equity ownership of Bumiputeras.

“The statistics are not modified for the interest of any community. If it is necessary and there are doubts, we will release the data,” he said.

We have received, via a government informant (who shall remain anonymous) certain documents pertaining to the data.

Alas, the crab creatures strike again.

as reported by Joe Lax

RAMBLINGS-Increase in price of Rubber

2006-10-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

Those of you who follow the commodities market (so easily misinterpreted as the commode market) will be aware that the price of Rubber is at a record high. At Rm 8 a kg there is a noticeable Urban-Rural migration pattern as people rush back to the plantations to tap rubber.

This of course will have a ripple effect as more openings in the “pay them as little as possible and who cares if they starve” category of jobs in the big cities.

In addition, all the people who “balik kampung” to work will be eating up the fresh fruits and veggies and thus limiting the amount that can be sent to towns, thereby increasing the price of fibre, which will lead to an increase in the cost of living etc etc.

However, the big question that is ranging through the perverted minds of accountants and economic experts is… how will this affect the price of condoms?

After all, if the price goes up, youngsters might not buy ‘em, this might lead to unprotected sex which may lead to a population explosion which might cause soaring prices of everything else…

So… what price rubber? (You’ll only get that joke if you go for OLD style humour)

The choice to use latex depends on ones moralistic and religious beliefs. The Karipanas Crew does not have an official position on the use of condoms.

as reported by The Rambler

Irrelevant Quote

2006-10-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

Life ISN'T like a bowl of cherries or peaches. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorow.

From the editor

2006-10-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers,

Today is slow news day, and we have only managed to churn out two posts. A lack of relevant local news on Sunday is one reason (we do not like repeating material unless there is a significant development, e.g. no more AP stories unless a swamp creature eats Dr Muhammad Abdul Ghani. Or he eats his son. Or something to that effect.).

Another reason is that the writers are lazy bastards.

We encourage submissions to this blog, as a means to create discourse with our readers. It can be snap-shots, taken with your handy camera phones, or articles that you found funny/interesting/disturbing.

Another announcement is that as per request of one of the readers, we will accept suggestions on issues that you, the reader, think is worth investigating. Our in-house spies (who are also professional trapeze artists) will look into the matter for you.

And please survey the contents on our sidebar which has been painstakingly put together by one of the members of our crew, who is suffering from carpal tunnel syndrome now due to his hard work on our blog. This is due to monkeys who keep on messing up the html.

To new readers, please read the rules in my welcome post. Profanity is allowed, we consider it a beautiful way of expressing yourself.

Happy reading, and we hope the news was good for you.

the editor.

LOCAL NEWS- We support Fauzi, says religious leader.

2006-10-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Takaful Malaysia's Syariah Department head Fauzi Mustaffar sent an e-mail to his staff earlier this month prohibiting them from extending greetings in conjunction with festivals such as Deepavali, Durga Pooja and Laksmi Pooja.

Since then he has been criticized publicly by numerous religious figures and public officials. Some have even called for his resignation.

However in this mass wave of protest, there are those who support his stance. A representative of the faith "Temple of Correct Dining-ware" or better known as "The Use the Right Dinner Fork You Heathen Bastards Religious Order" stated today that Fauzi's views are admirable.

picture- symbol of the "Temple of Correct Dining-ware"

"We preach the same thing in our faith. Our followers are forbidden from wishing holiday greetings to people of other less believable religions." He says that it signifies tolerance of their "false gods".

The religion also explicitly forbids the buying of holiday greeting cards. "Wishing a person joy and happiness while he celebrates his religion, means that you recognize that his demonic practice can bring joy and happiness. Therefore it means that you believe in that false god."

He says that even if that is not the intention, it would be an act supporting the deliverance of the misguided heathen to hell. "Which would be just as bad."he says sternly.

Among greetings that are forbidden are "Merry Christmas", "Selamat Hari Raya" (Happy Hari Raya) and "Selamat Hari Buruh" (Happy Labor Day). "Some of the more orthodox among us do not even wish infidels "good morning" as this would mean that they believe anything good could come out of their ridiculous religion."

"But I do not go so far as that. We still want to get along with everyone. We dont want to them to think we dont like them or anything like that." he says.

For more information on this religion, readers may consult the back of the boxes of cutlery and silverware under the headline "instructions".

LOCAL NEWS- IIlegals must go home

2006-10-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- Home Affairs Minister Datuk Seri Radzi Sheikh Ahmad has announced that illegal immigrants should return to their respective countries during the Hari Raya and Deepavali celebrations, before the authorities launch a nationwide crackdown.

This however should not be misconstrued as a grant of amnesty. "If they get caught leaving the country, its tough luck." he states.

Despite legal restrictions facing them either way several illegal immigrants have found a way out of this conundrum.

"We are going to pretend to be electric appliances." says one Bunga Hariyanto from Indonesia.

The illegal "aliens" in Klang Valley have decided to mail themselves home, as it seems to them that this is the only viable option.

picture- the new way to travel

"If we stay, we get arrested. If we leave, we also get arrested. This is the only way we can get back without being caught."

They are currently scouring the city for large boxes and smaller ones for their children. "An LG refrigerator box can fit all three of us" says Heri Adikesuma, pointing to his petite wife, and 3- year-old child. "It is a tight fit, but we all can wrap our legs behind our necks, like scarves."

picture- the position the family will be in when mailed home

Their baby, 7-month-year old Krista, will be sent back posing as a blender.

as reported by Joseph Lax

Welcome message from the editor

2006-10-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome, readers of karipanas.

I would like to thank all of the visitors to this website for taking time out of your busy schedules to come here. Our reporters work hard and they are not paid for their blood, sweat and tears. This is because it is enough for them to know that they are getting important information across to Malaysians everywhere.

(They are also mostly refugees from war-stricken countries who are locked up under my basement. One, is a talking monkey.)

Everyone is welcome to comment on our articles, and make suggestions about how to make this newsblog better. We are always looking to improve. If the comments are offensive, to race or religion, we will send ninjas to hunt you down and kill you.

There is a chatbox cleverly embedded at our sidebar, and we hope that you announce your visit in that manner.

Even if our blog tracker tells us that "x" amount of people have visited this site, we need to know whether it was a human being or those damn crab creatures surfing the net for crab porn. (DAMN YOU CRAB PERVERTS! DAMN YOU!)

Thats all for now, and I hope that you continue to read karipanas, if only for your own mental health. We only give you news that is good for you.

the editor

LOCAL NEWS- Klang Municipal Council, Family First

2006-10-14T03:39:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- It was announced today that Datuk Zakaria Md Deros, his son Zainuri and daughter-in-law Roselinda Abdul Jamil have been appointed councillors in the Klang Municipal Council.

These appointments have been greeted with approval by the Malaysian public. "It is in line with our policy of "family first", says one happy Klang resident, Chan Yee Ling.

"Obviously with all the family in one place, it will make sure that they will always have time to spend with one another." says her husband Martin Liew.

The Klang Municipal council has implemented this policy in the past; Selangor state assembly speaker Tan Sri Onn Ismail had his daughter, Senator Datin Paduka Nor Hayati, her husband Suffian and son-in-law Faizal Abdullah as fellow councillors.

Klang residents hope that the practice will be taken a step further.

Not only are they lobbying that their children should be appointed as councillors, they are also nominating Roselinda Abdul Jamil's Indonesian maid, Suriyanti, and Hassan, the family's pet iguana.

picture- iguana, future member of Klang Municipal Council

This would be the first nomination of an animal to a political post, and it is considered to be a great victory for the animal community because they have been largely under-represented.

Though there have been reports of the nominations of monkeys to political positions in Malaysia, this cannot be corroborated with hard evidence.

as reported by Jade L.

FRONTPAGE- Illegitimate use of jedi powers

2006-10-14T02:48:00.000-07:00

picture- have malaysian jedi's turned to the "dark side"?

KUALA LUMPUR- The local Jedi Council here in Malaysia have issued a public statement warning users of Jedi powers without proper authorization that they will be punished by "the force".

"It is utterly unforgivable for a Jedi to use Jedi mind tricks for political gain," says Muthu Balavijendran, leader of the Jedi Council of Malaysia.

This announcement was made in response to reports of political authorities being able to "change" the minds of prominent think tanks "without any pressure". Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak said that Asli president Mirzan Mahathir had retracted their findings on Bumiputera equity ownership "voluntarily".

The leader of the Jedi Council had felt an imbalance "in the force" during Mizan's public apology.

picture-unrelated to post. jedi squirrels.

"It is clear that Jedi powers were used." he says. "Obviously there had been no pressure on that poor man, he was powerless against that Jedi mind trick where you sort of wave the hand and then you agree with everything the Jedi says. Like that part in Star Wars where Obi Wan wants to get a flying space thing, and the owner sort of like just gives it to him."

He states that he was referring to the new Star Wars trilogy and "not the old one with Harrison Ford".

When asked what action will be taken against rogue Jedi's the president said that this was a decision that the council had to make with due caution. Apparently without proper care, disobedient Jedi's may turn "to the dark side".

"We are worried that these Jedi's might already have."

Reports of the misuse of Jedi powers may be forwarded to the Jedi Council Headquarters which is located in a playground at SK Wangsamaju.

"If its recess time, they can find us at the canteen." says the Jedi Master.

FEATURED- World Mental Health Day- Dont kill yourself.

2006-10-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

Today is World Mental Health Day.

In conjunction with this date, governments and NGO's worldwide promote awareness on issues such as suicide and chronic depression.

Malaysians generally do not want to discuss issues such as these. It is a matter that is unpopular in public discourse, and the attitude towards it is generally apathetic.

This reluctance prevails despite an escalating number of suicides from year to year; in fact suicide is the second leading cause of death after cardiovascular diseases. 'We seem to be in a national denial,' says Professor Hussain Habil, the president of the Malaysian Psychiatric Association.

13 out of 100,000 people in Malaysia commit suicide on a yearly basis.

Our in-house psychiatrist, (who is also a magic performer for birthday parties) has suggested a few ways for self-treatment should an individual wish to end his/her life.

1. If you want to kill yourself because you think that you have a bad life- review pictures of people in Africa. They will always make you feel privileged and that you should feel thankful that your life is not one tormented by genocide, starvation or random adoptions by famous people.

Alternatively, review pictures of people in Singapore. You will always feel good about yourself.

2. If you want to kill yourself because your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife left you, write down ten things you have always hated about him/her.

Everyone has character flaws and physical defects, so rejoice because now you can look for someone better than the ugly cow/beast-thing/swamp-monster that left you.

Did your ex have some embarrassing secrets/herpes? Get it off your chest, tell your best gossip mongering untrustworthy with secrets loud-mouthed friend.

3. If you want to kill yourself because your business is failing, or other monetary catastrophies keep in mind that most major successes today failed a million times; some were even homeless.
(read about Damien Rice and Jewel)

They managed to get where they are today because they continued to live and fight on another day.

Since this was quite serious heres a picture of a ridiculous man to offset the effects.

picture- ridiculous man

4. If you want to kill yourself because you are in a cult that tells you to do so, join another cult. We recommend the cult "mismatched cheese warriors".

It preaches terrorizing the lives of people who use camembert cheese in a reckless manner (e.g. eating it with whole wheat bread instead of croissants) . Its a more fulfilling and delicious way of life.

5. If you want to kill yourself because you feel lonely and you dont have any real friends, hey, we dont either! Friends are a drag, they always need you to do stuff for them and things like that. We highly recommend a friend-less lifestyle.

Alternatively, you can ditch the people who dont care about you, and go out and meet new people. According to statistics, there are a gazillion living breathing humans out there who are also into this unhealthy needing friends lifestyle.

6. If you want to kill yourself because you are a political leader who swindled the money of his people, cheated in elections, and sent innocent people who have spoken out against you in jail, GO FOR IT!

Happy World Mental Health Day.

LOCAL NEWS- Breakthrough with English problem

2006-10-13T00:50:00.000-07:00

picture-previous teaching material

KUALA LUMPUR- A local corporation has discovered a way to help with the lack of English language proficiency among students here in Malaysia.

The company will be sponsoring 60 copies of the a local newspaper daily to various schools. According to experts this "hits the nail on the head" in solving the problem.

"Its ingenious", says one Dr Alberta of the Research Institute of Misunderstood Languages (RILM). "We thought the problem was with the teaching methods, but now we finally see the light!"

In past years students have not had access to proper reading material. "We usually give them the backs of cereal boxes to read." says one teacher in Johor Bahru. "Or we make them decipher ancient Aryan texts."

"We thought that reading in English was not that important to learn the language itself."

picture- backs of cereal boxes only thing students read

Since the corporation will only be sponsoring 60 copies per school, not all students will have access to the precious goods.

However the teachers have been innovative in making sure that all students will benefit from this measure.

"We are going to cut the newspapers into little pieces, and give each student one piece (coupon-size) to read," says one school headmaster proudly.

Students have been enthusiastic about this new development.

"Its a big opportunity to see what this "English" looks like on paper." says one Khoo Teck Khay. "We have never really seen it before." pipes up friend, MaryAnn Jevaratnam.

When asked if it has helped with their language skills they eagerly nod. When also asked if they like the new method they responded with more eager nods.

When finally asked if they would like to donate their kidneys they continued to nod. Other questions such as "do you like eating garden slugs," and "have you ever killed anyone by extracting their eyeballs with your bare teeth," also received the same response.

Eventually the students had to be sent to a chiropractor to reset their necks.

as reported by Edie J.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT- How to identify "Bogus Doctors".

2006-10-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

Director-general of Health Tan Sri Dr Ismail Merican today stated that he believes there are many illegal centres and clinics operating nationwide. One such clinic was recently discovered in Shah Alam.

The bogus doctor had already performed several complicated medical procedures on unsuspecting Malaysians, including removal of tumours, kidney stones and ovarian cysts.

The Karipanas Crew cares for the welfare of its readers, and here we provide you a few ways to make sure your doctor is authentic.

1. Is your doctor nice and friendly?

- This probably means that he is a fraud. Real doctors are not nice. They are trained to look at patients as whiny insects. They do not care for your yelps of pain or cries of anguish when they poke you with needles and other equally sharp and painful instruments. Real doctors are also half-reptile.

2. Does your doctor have family members?

- This should be regarded as a red flag. Doctors do not breed like mammals; they release spores from their bodies and various insects settle on their surfaces, and spread the pollen on to other doctors. Or they have sex with themselves, like bacteria you see on Discovery channel.

They do not need to marry or have a mate. If there is a picture of a happy family displayed on the wall, these people are more likely kidnap victims. It would be prudent to call the local authorities.

3. Does your doctor refer to you by your name when giving instructions the the nurse?

- Obviously a dangerous sign. A real doctor would use "it", "that thing" or "disgusting meaty insect". (refer above- doctors are half-reptile) Authentic doctors would also be able to transmit orders to the nurses via telepathy using gills located under their armpits. They can locate their nurses by sonar.

4. Does your doctor have a sense of style?
- Real doctors are color blind and are not familiar with the human concept of fashion. They usually obtain their clothes from dead patients.

5. Have you ever seen your doctor "go home", or refer to another residential address?
- Doctors nest in dark damp areas of their clinics. They shun the sunlight and detest warmth. If exposed to the sun they may melt, or sprout tentacles like that "species" alien and start eating random people.

For safety purposes, please make sure that your doctor is certified. If you find that he is in fact a masquerading bastard in a white coat, gather an angry mob and stab at him with various sharp instruments.

These guideline are mere suggestions, we strongly advise you to contact your local authorities for more information. Their advice may be more valid, ours simply more satisfying.

SIGHTINGS- Proud to be Malaysian

2006-10-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Other people need cell phones, "just for an emergency". We on the other hand don't... our phones work fine even during natural disasters!

Of course, when theres no disaster, our phone lines, power supply etc aren't worth a damn, but hey, you can't have everything!

as reported by Rambler

PROPS- Dr Lim Teck Ghee

2006-10-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

Economist Dr Lim Teck Ghee stands by findings and says he cannot accept backdown by Asli president, Mirzan Mahathir.

“It is the fundamental right of the Malaysian public to question all government statistics and policies, more so when these are not transparent or defensible,” he said.

Dr Lim said he could not accept the ASLI president's (Mizan Mahathir) backdown over the issue. Mizan Mahathir had stated publicly that the methodology used to base the findings had been flawed.

“I think it is better for people to do things based on principle rather than on any other agenda,” he said.

**The Karipanas Crew regrets to inform you that we cannot find any humor in this news report. According to our in-house experts this is due to the fact that it is "too damn respectable".

LOCAL NEWS- ASLI apologizes

2006-10-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR-The Asian Strategy and Leadership Institute (ASLI) has issued a public statement admitting that the recent survey conducted by this prominent think-tank on Bumiputera equity ownership may have been flawed.

This report strikes a sensitive nerve in Malaysian society as the New Economic Policy was constructed to achieve 30% Bumiputera equity ownership, igniting a public debate on whether affirmative action measures should desist after reaching its target.

ASLI president Mirzan Mahathir stated that its conclusions; namely that Bumiputera equity ownership in public listed companies are at 45 percent, cannot be "vigorously justified".

"Asli deeply regrets the hurt and confusion felt by all Malaysians caused by the center's report."

Despite his obvious sincerity and commitment to the nations interest many Malaysians have been lethargic in responding to his public apology. Only a smattering few have responded via sms saying "Its okay,' and a desolate number of one saying "I forgive you."

In a survey conducted by our in-house think-tank on whether Malaysians will ever truly forgive ASLI for this erroneous report;

42 percent say: Maybe, time will tell.

36 percent say: No, its over between us.

234 percent say: what report?

71 percent say: Give me that banana.

(survey participants: one orangutan with multiple personalities.)

picture-survey participant

*The karipanas crew would like to state that our conclusions cannot be vigorously justified. We would like to apologize for any pain suffered by Malaysians as a result of this report.

as reported by Edie J.

Quotes- Datuk Muhammad Abdul Ghani: Nominated Role Model Father of The Year by The Karipanas Crew

2006-10-10T18:20:00.001-07:00

"He (his son) is not clever at doing it ... to be a fraudster you need skills. Fraudsters should always be a notch above their victims. If one were smart, one wouldn’t clone all the APs in a week. There should at least be a three-month interval. He didn’t learn from me or I could have given him some tips,"

"I am more concerned about what is happening to my company than what is happening to my son."

(Datuk Muhammad Abd Ghani, responding to the press on the matter of the AP scandal. He has claimed complete ignorance of the matter and is placing the blame on his son.)

Contending for this award, the crew has also nominated "Half-eaten bag of Corntos (Chicken Flavour)". The votes are in, and we think this will be a close fight. Results will be announced at the end of the year, or when we finish eating the second nominee.

WHO WILL WIN?

DATUK GHANI vs. HALF-EATEN BAG OF CORNTOS (chicken flavour)

FRONTPAGE- The Haze- The real cause

2006-10-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

KUALA LUMPUR- The haze in Malaysia has turned into an annual event. Indonesia has been held responsible for the health hazard creeping into the borders of of its neighboring countries. The patience of its fellow ASEAN members is wearing thin.

Public animosity has risen due to fact that Indonesia is seen as lethargic in dealing with the problem despite having ratified the trans boundary agreement on haze.

It has been concluded by several research groups however that the Indonesian government is not completely responsible for this reoccurring crises.

Apparently the main cause for the forest fires are smoking monkeys.

picture-smoking monkey

"We have been trying to get them to quit for the longest time," says forest ranger Hamidoon Bambangsila. "They just rip off nicotine patches, and they never commit to twelve-step programs we try to get them into."

The monkeys cause the forest fires by carelessly dropping cigarettes without properly extinguishing them. "We've had various campaigns to educate them about the importance of disposing cigarettes in a safe way, but they just wont listen."

Recently the monkeys have also started smoking marijuana, stolen from dealers in the city area. "Now its even harder to control them. How are you going to talk sense into stoned monkeys?" says Hamidoon.

picture-stoned monkey

When asked if they have consulted experts on solving this problem the forest ranger lets out an exasperated sigh. "We did. They said "They are monkeys. What do you expect?" Until this monkey smoking epidemic is solved, the haze will continue to be a yearly event.

as reported by- Jade L.

LOCAL NEWS- Kerepek says, give us a chance

2006-10-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

picture- sad kerepek

KUALA LUMPUR- The Prime Minister's appeal to the people to "give local products a chance" has been received with eager applause by local manufacturers and entrepreneurs.

And not less so, by the products themselves.

In an appeal to gather sympathy for local products alike, one "Kerepek Pisang" has stepped forward to champion the cause of fried local delicacies.

"Malaysians have changed in the past few years, they have gradually turned away from consuming my peers. They are lured by the colorful packaging of international brands, Twisties, Pringles and that dastardly enticing Mr. Potato."

picture- kerepek gone bad

He states that everyday bundles of "Kerepek Pisang" lay to waste in storage, till they reach their due dates and are discarded.

"Without any purpose to fulfill, "kerepek" rejected by society have to turn to a life of crime."

He states that the local crime rate has risen due to this very factor. "Think of this, every time you choose Mr. Potato over us, one "kerepek" is forced to steal, rob or even become prostitutes in order to survive."

His admission explains why a large number of crimes have yet to be solved here. "Who would suspect a "kerepek"?

In his final statement he asks Malaysians to "have a heart" and consume "kerepek pisang" everywhere. "At first I thought that a life of crime would be exciting, instead of the normal life of an average "kerepek". Now the cheap thrills and money mean nothing to me. I want to be eaten."

He is currently working as a bouncer for a prominent club in Jalan Telawi. "Its too late for me now. I am a kerepek that has already "masuk angin". I am nothing but a thug."

LOCAL NEWS- Cloning, Malaysia is the new frontier.

2006-10-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

picture- failed clone experiments released to the wild after mass labs closing down

09-October-2006

KUALA LUMPUR-The announcement of cloned APs in Malaysia has confounded scientists everywhere.

"This is a breakthrough we would never have expected from such a small country." says Dr Iago, Head of Research in GratuisCorp a multinational corporation specializing in genome studies."I cant even find the country on the bloody map. When I did, I realized it was covered by a coffee stain, which inhibited me from locating it."

A member of the Senate who has been identified as the pioneer of this breakthrough in science, refuses to take credit for it and attributes the success to his son. This has been assumed to be a classic display of Asian modesty.

Scientists from around the world have continued to send in messages of congratulations mixed with statements of utter bewilderment.

"Cloning is still in its infant stages, no one attempt has been completely successful." says Dr Radhika, who heads a research facility in Holland. "Dolly was a mess, and the facade in South Korea was just shameful. Billions of dollars have been spent in these failed experiments, and its just amazing that a country with a GDP of my annual salary to have done this."

Some scientists have even responded by committing "harakiri" or simply hanging themselves in shame.

"Its just indecent of you people." says one scientist (who refuses to be identified) tearfully. "Its embarassing for people in our field, to have someone without a proper educational background to achieve what you have achieved."

"Youre a third world country. Shouldnt you be concentrating on feeding hungry people or something? Where is all the money coming from?"

In a fit of contempt numerous research labs have simply halted their experiments and refuse to continue until their demands have been met.

"Politicians should stick to their jobs, and let us do ours. There are so many of you people with ribs sticking out he shouldnt be gallivanting around making scientific breakthroughs. I see you people on Discovery channel. Youre a mess." says Dr Hallenschaeur, a prominent scientist for Delante Inc, a genome research facility.

He stated that "brown" people were in the same plight everywhere, "Africa or whatever your country is called, its the same thing."

The United States State Department has issued a statement of congratulations stating that "Its okay, as long as you guys arent making bombs. Clone all you want."

reported by Jade L.

FEATURED: Happy Invaders

2006-10-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

09 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- The aliens are coming and they are happy.

"We are pleased with the Malaysian governments efforts to maintain the purity of the Malay language." says Bob the alien spokesperson. "The fact of the matter is that it has been a hard deal for us in deciding where to invade, but a nation of squishies (the term which the aliens use to refer to human beings) that maintain their old form of communication really appeals to us."

The reason being, as stated by Bob, that it would make communication between invader and invadee easier. The aliens had given up studying human languages because of the constant mutations in them initiated by people all over the world.

(examples given were "lol", "fa-shizzle ma nizzle", and "biatch"; "the english language is barely recognizable from its true form" he states )

But the Malaysian governments actions have bought them a ray of hope.

"If they are starting to clamp down on business posters, and freaking toll cards, soon it will be television shows, drama, any form of expression that abuses the language, and soon people will forget that they had that freedom." this, he believes is the ideal situation.

"We can just refer to our old texts and communicate with them with the language already in our databanks, instead of spending time on more research."

"We need to understand the people we are about to massacre, because we might need important information, like where is the nearest public toilet, what good movies are on right now, where to get the best deals for hardware."

When asked why aliens need to invade and attack humans, he said simply "to eat them".

by Lacks Joe

the alien; as reproduced by our sketch artist

Taiko says: Send them to jail

2006-10-08T14:14:00.000-07:00

08 October 2006

KUALA LUMPUR- Recently local politicians announced that NS dodgers (the multitude of youths who refuse to attend compulsory national service after school) would be punished by jail terms or hefty fines.

"As the law stands, those who fail to attend National Service without valid reason can be sentenced to a fine of up to RM3,000 or six months jail, or both," NS Training Council chairman Tan Sri Lee Lam Thye.

In an unprecedented move of unity, the local mafia, petty crooks and scores of unaffiliated gangsters have issued a press statement agreeing and supporting the goverments decision.

One "taiko" commented (we cannot publish his name due to anonymity contracts signed before hand.) that teaching new recruits was getting tougher these days because "the experienced ones are in prison".

The level of sophistication and professionalism in crime has "taken a downturn" these days, says one crime boss. "The new recruits, especially the ones in school are all messy. They watch television and they think they can already break into a car and steal the cd-player."

"Now, they can meet the professionals and learn."

Various efforts have been made by these lords of the underworld to ensure proper training but police crackdowns have taken their very best teachers from them. "One of my people (name not stated) already had a textbook going, it had diagrams and everything, but then he went and got caught."
laments one lord of the underworld.

Petty criminal "Jo" (last name not stated) said that it would be easier for him to teach his child about the profession.

"I was never that good, but now I can give him the very best." In a fit of emotion he stated his hopes that his child would be better at it than "he ever was".

Asking whether he would feel compassion for his child enduring a jail-term and subsequently pay for the fine, he answered in a fit of laughter. "Even if I did, I wouldnt have the money to pay for it. Thats what they (the crime-bosses) can do for their kids. Rich criminals will have to bail their kids out. My kid will have to do time, and for once being poor is the advantage. He will have to serve time."

reported by Edie J.

picture: what the criminals would look like if they were cowboys.